God Always Listens

When feeling bad, you can ALWAYS go to God... He will never turn His face away. He will listen. I pray to be more like Him:

For he has not despised or scorned
    the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
    but has listened to his cry for help.
-- Psalm 22:24

People Need to Man Up Regarding Mental Health Issues in Friends

I am cheating because I am under a deadline from my editor… What follows below is a comment and my response to a lady suffering from mental health issues. I needed to read this because other than the comment I posted on yesterday’s blog, I received no response of substance. I cannot tell you how hurt I was, how disposable I felt, and how I would not be missed. I prayed all night, God, help me live for you and not for man. Help me remember this world is only temporarily, and one day, I will be face to face with Jesus… this will be a distant memory… but right now, I am in so much pain at the lack of support in this world for people with mental health issues.

hAlso read your blog post, and want everyone to know, that I am living proof that you are trying. You reached out to me. Thank you for that. Some things have not changed. We are both Aug babies. We are both looking at cloudy futures, (lol, or so we think.) ha ha

You are struggling, dealing with hard things, sensitive to the max.

I love that you tell the truth no matter what especially about your feelings. I'm just like you when I get hurt. I feel anger and pain, and want to withdraw. When I withdraw, I feel sadder, and lonely. God is my ALL. His touch is what I yearn most for. Looking back is wonderful for making me feel better. So many times He led me through very deep, dark valleys. His word and my experience proves He will again. I vowed not to worry about the future, trusting God for it. Some days I am set off by anger over things I have no control over, and then I crawl to God on my face, and He pours out comfort like no other. I've had thoughts too, like I don't want to be here anymore, but remind myself that I am here for a reason. I am important enough for Jesus to have died for. Who am I to throw my gift of faith back? Take things in my own foolish hands, and continue on a path that would lead to utter ruin. No Way. Today is a good day for me. I have milk. I never stopped loving you Shelly, and most amazing of all, you did not fall through my Swiss cheese brain. You made my day accepting my friend request. I am so glad you are here. ♥

My response:

THANK YOU! I so needed to hear this! I'm sure it was from God... People can't handle mental illness and it is such a shame. Suicide will continue in this world until people stop being so selfish about themselves and reach out with love and compassion! Thank God, I have my dog and cat, and I also have a best friend who NEVER runs away when I am feeling my worse. Jen cries with me, prays with me and loves me like no one has before.  I swear I would have committed suicide if it wasn't for her in my life. I pray you have someone like that in your life. I try giving other people a chance but they just can't handle what I have to give... therefore, they miss out on the good times too. I am not giving up. I am not sharing my pain like I did before, except through my writing because there are people out there like me and you who need to know it's okay to feel like you are ready to die but with the right people, you can hang in there and draw on God's strength to be who God created you/me/them to be. My friend, Rob, reminded me I just have to be careful with what I say to whom, which is such a shame. As I told Pastor Steve Brown (who I do share with and he admits he prays I will have a radical change in my life), "If you are ready to die and go to heaven, DON'T TELL ANYONE!" FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, DON'T REACH OUT FOR HELP. My plan is to change this. My call is to lobby for mental health issues and once I get out of poverty, I am moving to Tallahassee to do just that. Until then, as Job from the Bible says, "I will not keep silent!". I am spreading my word through my writing.

Please Don't Send Me Away

People don’t understand the pressure I am under. One of my most prominent qualities is I am extremely transparent, so much so that I am now in a quandary. I shouldn’t be sharing this! I vowed I would keep my mouth shut after my last psychiatrist visit… and here I am sharing something so personal on the Internet!

I had admitted to my psychologist that I was having suicidal thoughts, which caused a fight between me and my best male friend. I told the psychologist I was writing him off because he didn’t know how to handle my thoughts and potential desires. She focused on the suicidal thoughts, told my psychiatrist, and all hell broke loose. He wanted to admit me to an inpatient program for 6 months. To say I was scared is a vast understatement. I swore I would socialize. I swore I wouldn’t isolate. I swore I needed to be with Jireh and Addy, I needed to write and finish my book series and light was at the end of the tunnel as I soon would be earning money and get out of poverty and move to Tallahassee and be healthy again. Please don’t send me away…please!

After all, that’s what my mom and former church tried to do… send me away to an impatient treatment program. Were they right? Am I that sick?

Both yesterday and today’s social plans changed so I am alone again. I have been productive and writing, yet this new medication makes me feel like I am going crazy. Am I crazy? Are my days of normalcy over? Do I need to be sent away? I cannot rely on the company of other people to heal me. In fact, other than Sally, Jen and Rob, I don’t feel comfortable sharing with other people, thus socializing can be an added stressor. Sally is taking tons of college classes, Jen is on vacation and Rob has a family, so basically, for the next two weeks, I must figure this out on my own.

The one thing that comforts me (other than Jireh and Addy) is reading the Bible. I believe God’s Word to be true and I want to live for Jesus. That’s why I went to church this morning. That’s why I apologized and asked for forgiveness from my nemesis. That’s why I have been going out of my way to love people… Lord, I am trying!

Please don’t send me away.

Oh, How I Delight in Him!

I think this medication makes me high for the first hour or so after I take it... not that I am complaining... It's definitely making me a funner, more optimist & productive person. One downside is I am dizzy. Imagine me with cerebral palsy  (having an uneven gait) walking a 60 pound Golden Retriever while my head is spinning like I have a buzz... stairs included!

Truly, I pray every time I leave the house.  Psalm 37:23-24 

The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him;

though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

 

The majority of us likely wobble through life, more specifically, wobble through our days. Staying in God’s Word shows us the path we should take as Christians who delight in him. Oh, how I delight in Him! Brief side note…. Participating in Communion gets me every time, so much so, that I keep every Communion cup I use. The thought that God, the Creator of the universe, purposely sent His only Son to die on a cross as an unblemished lamb… knowing we had no hope otherwise. God the Father watched His only Son be beaten and abused beyond description, and nailed to a cross to save the very people who were crucifying Him…to save me, who is more sinful than you would believe… who has taken Jesus for granted 98% of the time… who is angry, bitter, deceitful, oh, so very non-Christlike when no one is looking, and even when others ARE… God knew we would behave as we are… yet He still sent Jesus to die… and Jesus obeyed!!!)

Oh, how I delight in Him! Oh, how I praise Him for holding me up even though I stumble and fall.

This past Communion was too much… I can’t hold the bread and/or cup when it is passed so this friend helped me, along with a newly initiated deacon who is special to me, with the man I have served with on the side in case I needed more assistance… I felt God’s love pouring through me. For once, my pride did not cause me to insist on ‘doing this myself’… I needed help taking God’s sacrifice in the literal sense.

We need help taking God’s sacrifice in the Spiritual sense. We need His Word. We need fellow believers. We need prayer. We need His hand. Take His hand, my friend. You will stumble through life, but God the Father has you… He will not let go.

Oh, how I delight in Him.

Who Am I?

Unrecognized reflection stared back at me.

It looked like an erosion of who I should be.

Bags under my eyes, tired and weary-

Who is this girl –anxious and teary?

Fighting the authentic whom the world won’t accept-

Fighting the ‘me’ – whom my family rejects.

But I can’t change, I won’t change – God’s creation I am.

I refuse to give up because of my fam! 

Who Are You?

I took a shower – as a depressive, that’s MAJOR

Individuals need respect for their individual behavior.

The “individual” concept seems not to exist-

‘Going along with the crowd’s” mentality persists.

We are not the same, deep down we stray,

But few are strong enough to act this way.

Be who you are… do you know who you are

Or have you adapted to the world’s definition thus far?

Reading the Bible, hearing God speak so personally to me - words bringing balm to the sensitive parts of my heart - I realize He shares Himself with me in unexplainable and unfathomable ways.... Rather than being thankful for what I have,  I confess I have been quite unsettled... even bitter and angry. Some of it is financial desires, yet, for the most part, there is an emptiness where a family should be. I have been jealous of friends' who have families, working laptops, vacations, smart phones, jobs, financial security, feelings of safety... even a friend getting a tattoo (I've wanted a tat for the past 3 years), but God just reminded me, NOTHING compares to my personal relationship with Him. I would trade my life with Jesus for NOTHING.

On a side note, be thankful for what you have... for the time with in-laws you dread, for the husband who keeps leaving his socks on the ground, for the kids who keep crying, for the laptop that didn't come in your favorite color, for the plane delays, for the (safe) home you can't seem to keep clean, and for the tattoo that really hurt... Learn to be content with what you have, for every good gift comes from God.  All these things are blessings.