Okay- still no updates... here's why: In a severe depression this past week

Maybe tomorrow...

I'll Be Back

I promise... I'm coming back soon. Plan to get caught up this weekend. Until then, check out my intro on my other blog.  Thanks for your patience... I'll be back!

Step Away From the Pit of Depression

A personal account of a depressive episode... how to FIGHT depression...or at least try.

I am on the edge of the black hole... hoping to write myself away from it today, Change my perspective somehow. I DON'T WANT THIS MENTAL ILLNESS TO DEFEAT ME! I have to rely on Jesus to get me through these times. Darkness seems to dominate my days lately. Losing (my former best friend) is a big reason for the recent darkness, I know. I'm back to feeling completely alone in this world and not trusting what people say. She helped raised Jireh!! How could she just walk away? I maintained contact with my brother for years simply for the sake of my niece… I bit my tongue and licked my wounds and went back into the ring for because I wanted my niece in my life. Now that she is old enough to email and has my email information, my brother and I have ceased what little relationship we had. We wished each other well and went opposite ways. If my niece wants to contact me, she knows where I am. The last time I saw my former best friend (FBF), I was bawling because she was loving on Jireh, and I knew it would be for the last time. I mustered, “She loves you so much…”

Any other relationship, I would have just accepted it was over and left. But I’ve tried several times to reconcile with the FBF for the sake of Jireh. The last time was a week ago, when I left a voice mail apologizing, asking if there was anyway we could talk and both Jireh and I miss her in my life. There was no response.

This is when I started spiraling down… this past week… thinking, thinking, THINKING myself into a frenzy. The bitterness returned, the cynicism, defensiveness, the person I was last winter, during the lowest, scariest point of my life. I vowed the same vows, ‘no one will ever hurt me again’, blah, blah, blah. This turned into self-pity, how I am ultimately alone (Existential theory enter here) until I was confined to bed for most of yesterday.

I slept restlessly, having the hole in my gut return. Lord, why won’t you just take me home? I thought (and felt) Job’s cry in 7:16: I despise my life… let me alone: my days have no meaning.

But the morning has brought a fresh perspective (which I pray I keep);

1.    When I was ready to give up… I was planning to leave Jireh to the FBF, believing Jireh would be happier with her. I realize this is not true! If she could let go of Jireh as she did, I am soooo thankful I did not leave Jireh with her. I put Jireh first. Jireh gets me up everyday, gets me outside the house, gets me to the dog park where I am forced to socialize… I mean, Jireh makes me fight every force in my body to make sure she has a quality of life. Jireh is with me 90% of the time and I love her and talk to her and play with her… Jireh has a good life. I’m not sure she would if I left her with someone else.

2.    Addy the cat is the same way. We sleep together. We work together. She is at my side whenever I am on my laptop. Addy gets the most expensive cat food before I get milk. I make sure Addy has a quality of life. if I wasn’t here, I am not sure that would happen.

3.    Once again, there are soooo many people in this world! Why do we let our heart’s break over one or two relationships that didn’t work out! I definitely am not flippantly saying, ’let go and move on’… it’s way too hard for that. But don’t allow your destiny to be determined by one or two people who hurt you.

4.    Relationships are hard, as you know. Tread carefully. But if someone lays out their cards up front (disclosing something as personal as depression), be prepared. Know what you are getting into. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

5.    This goes along with number #4: “Forever” is a very long time. KNOW AND MEAN what you are saying when you use words like “I’ll always…” and/or “I’ll never…”.  Words and broken promises hurt.

All this to say we cannot abandoned socializing. God created us for relationships. We can’t give in to the strong desire to live as a recluse and isolate our lives away. 

You and I are meant to be here until God takes us home. We all have roles that cannot be passed off to others before it is our time to leave this earth. Even if you feel you have no family or close friends who would be permanently impacted by your absence, there are roles which only you can fulfill. That is why God still has you here.

Finally, don’t let your guard down when you or someone else seems to pull out of a deep depression. Until much time has passed, one significant setback can bring you/them right back to the edge of the pit. It is at this time, you must review the five points above, and get on your knees and pray hard before Jesus.

Disability Related Links - Depression, Autism

I've been researching mental health blogs and getting sucked into spending the entire day reading them and now I'm depressed! My intent was to have sites for people to feel 'not alone' and accepted online since there are few places to speak openly about mental illness. There is a limit to 'peer support' evidently, still, I'll continue compiling my list.


I am also working on a Children's book on Autism Spectrum Disorders. Evidently, the new DSM is combining Autism with Aspergers, which I think is a HUGE mistake... but they didn't consult with me. One day they will...

Making & Keeping Friendships

I've been entranced by the writing of a blog writer who has mental illness and provides a unique view into the world of depression and loneliness. Her entry on the difficulty of keeping friends inspired this entry. The first part of this is a response to her entry on friendships:

I am still reading your blog... I have my own work to do, but your words have me nodding my head, saying, "Exactly!!". So few people get/understand mental illness, but you describe it so well. I am sorry for the pain - I understand the pain of depression, loneliness, isolation... and I celebrate you for using what sucks to help other people. The world needs to be educated, and most people are too scared or ignorant to open their minds to mental illness. Your blog entry on "friendship" is just what I need right now. I have lost most significant friendships due to depression really that difficult of a person?" All the promises, all the "I understands"... evidently were insincere on both ends. So, as you write, what exactly is a 'friend' and while it is easy to make friends, keeping them is the challenge. 


What I don’t understand is why we fixate on one specific person, and when the friendship has ended, we behave as if there is no one else with whom to form friendships. We behave as if our hearts will never heal because we falsely assume every other person on the planet will treat us as that person did. This is foolish to transfer one person’s qualities and faults onto everyone else.

Why can’t we see new friendships as refreshing beginnings where we start with a clean slate, bringing in all the lessons learned from our past? A relationship with no score card, no baggage…just the newness of getting to know one another. Try, try, try to push aside the hurt, bitterness and pride of the past and make a new friendship. Share what you feel comfortable sharing, be who you truly are… invest, no matter how scary and anxious it makes you. Invest. Believe this time may be different. And if it isn’t, if you are hurt again, pick yourself up and try again. the world is filled with people. Reach out. Try. Maybe alleviating the loneliness will be worth it.            

Life with Anxiety Disorder

Medical Condition #6 – Anxiety Disorder

For the sake of space and redundancy, I will combine anxiety and PTSD in this final category. There are many forms of anxiety (social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.) and most are characterized by excessive worry about events that are usually unlikely to happen. The anxiety attacks tend to be triggered by past events (hence, soldiers returning from combat have a high likelihood of PTSD, and many would rather not discuss the events). I’ve buried so many events that my personality has been negatively scarred by the events of years ago.

Again, there’s an endless cycle – anxiety leads to depression, leads to paralyzing feelings of staying in bed, leading to more anxiety from missing so much work. The cycle is vicious and merciless.

Speaking of ‘denial’, since I am feeling functional today, I am not going to dwell on the anxiety or other conditions anymore, at least right now. When you can put your dysfunctions aside and live, even ENJOY life… do it. Whatever it takes, live out your life!

Life with Clinical Depression

Medical Condition #5 – Major Clinical Depression actually ties with anxiety for the most debilitating diagnosis that I have been given. I am cautious in what I write since I am in a major depression right now. When my medications are right, I can be successful, having the high quality of life I have worked so hard for, which is why I constantly keep op with the latest in counseling and psychology, determined to keep my licensure.

Cautious because when I am in this deep of a depression, my emotions are fragile, irritability is through the roof, and intolerance overshadows grace. Therefore, in every aspect, I don’t like who I am! I know people who have never been clinically depressed cannot understand, yet I have no patience when I crash like this. Everyone seems to have family and/or friends to CARE, to check on them, to just sit at their bedside and hold their hand… I am sure my perceptions are largely inaccurate, which is why reading about survivors of concentration camps have been somewhat inspiring this week. Most of the homeless people have some type of mental illness, and are also alone. So I am not the only pour soul out there without a family with whom to fight depression and anxiety.

One thing that is hard to remember is depression is not always affected by external factors. People question why an individual remains depressed after obtaining a promotion or getting married. Remember, depression is primarily neurochemical, especially in long-term cases.

My life is so much better than it was a year ago – yet my depression is, well, it is best to keep quiet.