Not Trusting Doctors

Today I'm feeling the intense desire to isolate. Monday was extremely emotional as it was the last day I saw my doctor after close to 18 mths. I don't trust doctors. I don't trust myself. Medication scares me. When I was in college, I was put on Xanax because I had a friend tell me "it was good stuff". That was in 1993_ and I saw many doctors the next 20 years, all of who prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety. Xanax should only be used for temporary crisis and/or emergency situations. Most of those years, I only took pills on major holidays. One prescription would last me two years yet every time I went to the doctor, I was given prescriptions. Thank God I didn't fill them.

But 2010, life became unbearable, and my only relief was Xanax. Taking it every day, I developed a tolerance, needing more and more to affect me. Very soon, my life was in a fugue. Granted, circumstances were truly life threatening aside from the Xanax... Any one would have a nervous breakdown with the experiences at the time. I lost all my friends, trusted no body, had no money, no safe place to sleep... Truly as close to hell as I have ever experienced. I remember begging God to please let me die! I couldn't escape! I çouldn't get out of my life. Living scared me... It was like a monster chasing me nonstop. Breathing was increasingly laborious, paranoia was legitimate (even proven), it was an endless, uphill race. I needed a rest and there was none. As if I was a felon on the run, there was no respite available... except for Xanax, which put me in a deep sleep where I could finally feel safe.

The doctor's solution for my mental state was Xanax, and it worked. Looking back, it was instrumental in keeping me alive! My hours were consistently in survival mode.

Glory to God, my life is better than it ever has been. I moved to a different city, have wonderful new friends, secure housing... Happy. And a major  reason is because my doctor got me off those destructive pills. Life is good.

My fear is a new doctor will put my on addictive mind altering drugs. Alcoholics can stay away from bars, recovering prescription pill addicts can't stay away from doctors.

I'm not worried about my ailments slowing me down... I'm worried about the doctors who treat my ailments.