One Step Before the Other

Didn't want to get out of bed as depression has fully materialized.  All of my mental illnesses have taken up residence, along with Crohn's Disease. It hurts to live. Reality is sinking in.  Before turning to Jesus, the world took over my thought process. Catastrophic “what if’s” swooping in. I can't do this.

Seeking  comfort from friends by reading Facebook status updates only made things worse. For example, I checked on a friend who's facing the anniversary of her mother's death… oh, she's fine… she's counting down to a luxurious vacation. So many negative thoughts revolve around my mind, I decide to take Jireh for a walk before starting my day.

Remembering God challenges me to bring my grievances to Him as He says in Isaiah 1:18, “Come, let us reason together…” I start by complaining about my financial situation, and feel God remind me, Shelly, why are you doubting me? Don't you remember all the times I took care of you by paying off your car, taking care of your student loans, moving you into a nice apartment when you had nothing and was living out of your car… what about when you quit your counseling job due to having a mental breakdown? How quickly you forget! Trust me, My child. As far as you judging your friend’s trip while mourning her mother's death, aren't you being hypocritical as you get angry when people don't understand why you have unexplainable peace when going through major trials? And about your bitterness that you cannot afford luxurious vacations… I have commanded you to set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18. Instead of focusing on temporary things, I want you to finish the work I for which I created you.  As I have said in Colossians 3:23,24 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”.

Of course,  He was right, as always. I watched Jireh spying on squirrels in the magnificent Tallahassee trees, noting God also provided the means for me to relocate to my favorite city. Admiring my neighborhood walk,  I thanked God for my home, then for Jireh being happy and healthy. Now you know why I didn't allow you to get a new puppy… you would have had to give him up. 

He continued by bringing numerous situations to mind, changing my ungrateful,  bratty attitude to showing me tangible ways He is in control. Trust me, Shelly. You are ready for the next step. Now is the time to put into practice all I have taught you. 

I realized I have spent so many years talking and planning how to use God's gifts to me, I haven't followed through until completion. Now is the time. Face it, I don’t have much more time on this earth. I want my life to count.

New Service Dog Needed

The complex got a new Pest Control company. The last company knew not to knock on my door because of PTSD. Management is EXCELLENT understanding and accommodating my PTSD, including calling me before sending maintenance over. The knock on my door, a simple freaking knock on my door, brought back a myriad of horrific terrors. Just like that.

A single sound, smell, touch can fuel PTSD just like that. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and I can't stop catastrophising. I want Xanax. I seriously want Xanax.

My Jireh's bark is vicious, which comforts me knowing she scares people away. I am in the process of, well, I have been seriously considering setting up a GoFund me page to start raising money for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. Then, I had second thoughts, thinking when Jireh and Addy pass away, I will just stay in bed, writing, praying, and reading.

Before this, I contacted a breeder from my home town who I instantly connected to after seeing videos of her puppies, environment, and hearing Christian music in the background. She answered every question to my liking (tests goldens require, number of times they breed a female - I HATE WHEN PEOPLE BREED FEMALES MANY TIMES! POOR DOGS!, etc.). She truly cares for the dogs. That makes me feel like charging $1800 per puppy is reasonable. When she told me her husband is a Pastor, so she couldn't negotiate the price... I knew if God provides me the money, this family deserves the money.

So after I was just sent into A MAJOR PTSD MELTDOWN, I know I need a puppy. My vet will cover expenses (except for medications) after the puppy turns 6 mths old, which is how I afford to keep Jireh as a service dog. I will just have to pay for initial shots and get the puppy fixed. So here goes... watch how God works as I ask strangers (readers of my social media) to help me raise $2200 for a puppy who will help me keep my independence, helping me when I fall, when I have anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and even the times I get so depression, I feel I have nothing to live for. Watch God perform His miracles!

Blessings Can Hurt

Full panic mode. Everything is coming together for me to get a Golden puppy before Christmas. I don't want to commit to living another 14 years. 

Since 1995, I have been responsible for at least one pet. I have deeply loved each and every one of them. 

They have kept me going through several suicidal phases because they needed me. No one person depends on me for survival. I've fought to survive so I could give them the best quality of life possible.

Currently, my kitty cat is eleven and my service dog is 7 1/2. My service dog accompanies me EVERYWHERE since I need her when I fall or have severe anxiety. My bond with her is beyond description. I truly forget she is a dog. She's my best friend, protector, and companion. By my calculations, she and my cat should pass away about the same time, and I am convinced I will die from a broken heart. When in a depression, I tell myself once they go to heaven, I can stay in bed until I die.

Since I have been feeling better, I started looking for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. 

A friend just sent me a breeder located in my childhood home town. Someone must know SOMEONE connected with this agency who can help me get a puppy. I don't just "want" a puppy, I NEED one to keep my independence and train before Jireh retires. 

I just called the the breeder/owner ... what a lovely lady! She knows other breeders who are having litters of Goldens, too. I asked her a few questions, such as testing hips, eyes, and how many litters they allow a female to have... she knows her stuff. She truly cares for the dogs. It seems the average cost of a puppy is $1800. Sounds like a lot until I consider the quality of life the puppy will bring me. I could do a GoFund me page. 

Everything is falling into place. My life is drastically improving while toxins are falling at the waste side. It's humbling. It's exciting. And it's scary. And it hurts. 

I know from experience God won't let me go to heaven before He is ready for me. All indications is that won't be for a long time.

PLEASE PRAY THIS BE GOD'S WILL.

Cerebral Palsy and Related Health Issues

Additional health issues related to cerebral palsy,  including mental illness and addiction on my YouTube channel here

https://youtu.be/mqOn4DcvfQQ

Cerebral Palsy and Anxiety

Here is my first video blog. Check out the impact of having a panic attack in addition to Cerebral Palsy at my YouTube channel. Cerebral Palsy and Anxiety Video

Diffusers

I quit using my diffuser after reading the scents are not good for cats... now I have had a 12 hour migraine. Broke down and took 2 of my last 4 Excedrine for Migraines! And Kashmere is coming out with the ULTIMATE DIFFUSER! I even tried putting lavender oil on my eye mask. It's not the same. The oils definitely calm my anxiety, take away migraines and clear up congestion.

The more I researched, the more convinced I am it's not worth the risk. Then I read Kashmere's blog on diffusers .

I am so confused. I won't base my decision on that one website. Diffusers definitely help me, but not willing to potentially hurt my kitty...

To be continued!

Any experience would be appreciated if you'll share...

Alternative Remedies for Ailments

I used to take 4 Excedrine for migraines per day due to severe migraines. Two months ago, I got a diffuser with Lavender essential oil scent and haven't taken Excedrine since. Sometimes, I put a couple drops of the oil on my eye mask when I feel the migraine coming on, and it works wonders. I never believed in homeopathic remedies. The diffuser relaxes my muscles, calms my anxiety and helps me sleep through the night.

The diffuser helps not only with general health issues, such as using peppermint oil for congestion,  I have seen great improvements in my anxiety, cerebral palsy, and even Crohn's Disease.

When/if I go back into private practice, I will definitely use a diffuser in my office. Now I know why Spas use diffusers.

During the Christmas holidays, my depression spiked, so I bought a salt lamp. What could it hurt, right? From what I researched, salt lamps change the environment by some scientific ways that are over my head (No pun).

Call it the placebo effect, call it science... whatever it is, my depression has definitely lessened since I started using the salt lamp. Of course, everyone is different so you may not feel the same benefits from homeopathic remedies. In fact, I have heard essential oils are harmful to pets, even coming from diffusers. Then I have read the benefits pets get, even people who put drops on dogs pads to decrease anxiety when traveling. My cat and dog have not displayed any significant changes from my diffuser or salt lamp.

At any rate, I no longer take medicine for migraines and have significantly decreased my anxiety medication. That in itself makes me feel better.

Please leave me a comment if you have experience with diffusers or salt lamps.

Why I Don't Like Suicidal Hotlines

Yesterday, I woke up feeling the depression had slightly lifted. Knowing depression can hit you at anytime, I didn't tell people because I don't want them thinking I am all better, placing social expectations on me.

I texted a few close friends who know my cycle, and told them details, including my Thanksgiving suicide attempt. They said they had no idea I was so depressed and they would have hospitalized me. My response, "That's why I only told (my best friend)!".

Depressed individuals need someone they fully trust. I completely trust this friend and tell her EVERY THOUGHT... every plan. And by being able to share my darkest days, she has saved my life, rather GOD has used her as a vessel to save my life.

Listen, coming from a fellow psychotherapist and clinically depressed individual, I tell people BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT TELLING PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL. The average person just wants you safe, so, with good intentions, they drop you off at a mental hospital, thinking professionals will help. Those professionals pump you with drugs, watch you for 2 weeks, and for me, that started my Xanax addiction.

In conclusion, I cringe when people tell suicidal people to speak out for help. It's not that easy. You need discernment.

Imagine a child victim of incest "reaching out" to an unknown child molester.
Or a drug addict "reaching out" to an unknown drug dealer.

No. Sometimes, it's best not reaching out for help.

Severe Depression

None of this helps if your family has disowned you. I am past the point of wanting to go anywhere and talk to anyone. My psychiatrist upped my meds because I am falling so far into the darkness, I don't know if I will find my way out... even when the holidays are over.

Article from Counseling Today

December Depression

I've cancelled all my plans indefinitely, staying away from social media holiday posts and stopped answering my phone. What little energy I have goes to promoting and submitting my writing, and playing with Addy and Jireh.

I spend my days staring into space, wondering if the depression will lift after the holidays, and pleading to God for relief.

No more whining to my friends. No one can help me anyway. No one understands.

Depression and Anxiety

Naomi Judd was on the Today Show talking about depression and anxiety.

Please watch this. This is such a precise definition of depression and anxiety. I can't wait to read the book. A friend came up Saturday because I am in a severe depression. I told a few people who I thought were "safe" that I attempted suicide on Thanksgiving. One person told me I do all this for drama, and I should have taken more pills. Awful things were said to me, which I am saving for my book. Right now, I can't get off the couch. And every day that passes, I lose money by not writing. Depression and anxiety are REAL.

Aging with Disabilities

EXACTLY! And the uncertainty of how my abilities will be in the future, the near future, is a great source of anxiety, then Crohn's,  then depression... it all spirals down for me. This is why I am so hypersensitive about my fear of bothering people. I have no family to care for me. But I remind myself I have Jesus... and He is Jehovah Jireh.

Read this article on cerebral palsy

Anxiety Update

A reader responded to one of last year's entries on anxiety and Benzodiazepines. *By the way, I am looking for health blogs so please let me know if you have a related blog so we can connect. Thank you!

Here is my update on anxiety:

I know from experience that getting off Benzo's is torture. You are such a strong woman for getting off the meds. Do you have compassionate support system? Your introduction was inviting,  and I wanted to read more about you. I  couldn't find a blog. Do you have one? Currently, I am using a diffuser with Lavender *have always been a skeptic of aromatherapy, but it works! Also, my anxiety has been really bad lately, so I have been reading the Recovery Bible and meditations for the Twelve steps. It helps reading about hurt people helping hurt people.

What I Do All Day

Most mornings, I wake up with severe anxiety after several nightmares due to PTSD. Fortunately, I no longer suffer from seizures and night terrors like I did for 4 years following Benzodiazepines withdrawals. As I write this at 8:30 am, I am having my usual chest pain, but my anxiety has lowered after Bible study. More specifically, after time with Jesus.

I don't like leaving my home because of agoraphobia. The most peaceful time of my day is after I pick up Jireh's poop every morning. Since I only go outside as little as possible, I walk the field to pick up everything she did the day before.

And I want Jireh to interact with others, so I try weekly to take her to Michael's and FSU. Throughout the day, I play with Addy and Jireh inside.

My favorite activity is studying the Bible, praying and worship because at those times, it is well with my soul.

I'm in the process of writing several books and looking for freelance writing column jobs since my income was recently cut by 20% - hence, my anxiety.

And I am in bed by 7pm. I want to SLEEP because that is the one time my anxiety isn't at the back of my mind.

So for those who feel sorry for my isolation and want me to get out more
... I am good, in my temporary home.

Blessings of Mental Illnesses

My 8:30am discussion lasted nearly 2 hours, yet I am still tingling. I am Spiritually spent...I need a cigarette.

I slept the rest of the day. This weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!

Basically, we talked about my depression, and even my recent suicidal thoughts. I told her I see my clinical depression as an indicator of my deep desire to go to heaven and be with Jesus. We discussed Mandissa, Plumb, and other Christian singers who suffer from deep depression and anxiety. Then, my friend shared something that showed me... she truly understood. A wave of relief, comfort and love washed over me. FINALLY! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD I WANT TO GO HOME! When I was able to compose myself to speak, I said I felt so validated as a Christian... my faith wasn't being questioned because of my mental illnesses, instead, I realized the importance of fellowship with other Christians who UNDERSTAND. She said THIS is why I must write about it to show other Christians depression and suicidal thoughts are not flaws in faith. There's no need to feel guilty for not trusting God more. Instead, use the feelings of despair to crawl to Him on your knees. He's always waiting... and I am never a burden.

Full Time Writer

 I found a healthy escape instead of spiraling down into the pit of self-destruction. Everyone has ways to escape life's realities, when you cannot take any more stress. Since childhood, writing has been my escape. I've been gifted with a creative imagination, in fact, it's been a main survival tool.

Being a writer can be solace for my mental health. When my muse is flowing, there's a vivid fantasy land going on inside my head. My dream is to live on a boat, alone with my cat and golden retriever, on the ocean away from civilization. I've lived alone since I was 22 and have had to fight staying in my home all day. Writing, reading, praying, Bible study... those are my daily needs.

As a therapist AND as a member of God's family, I know how isolating is frowned upon. I get sick of hearing about the need to get out, socialize, blah, blah, blah. Leave me alone with the ponders in my head!

Recently, my health has declined significantly as I experience middle age. I fall a lot, can't control my bowels, have severe panic attacks, etc. After much prayer, I believe God is telling me it's okay to isolate, to live like a Baptist nun, on one condition: I share His love with others.

He has blessed me with an insatiable thirst for His Word, along with an understanding of how to apply Scripture to life today. The more quiet time I spend with Him, the more writing I share from His insights, the less time I have to worry. He moved me away from my childhood home. I started over in my college city, made new friends, and have a whole wonderful life! I still cannot grasp THIS IS REAL. I'M A FULL TIME WRITER. I no longer have guilt for being a hermit.

The funny thing is, my friends support me for who I am instead of pressuring me to "get out more". Even the writer's group I joined tell me come to meetings whenever I want. We keep in touch on Facebook.

So today I am working on my Christian Fiction manuscript where Gabriel Byrne is the protagonist. Basically, I'm daydreaming about being in private practice, using my expertise in psychology as research, advocating for disabilities... in Nantucket... I'm working. Alone.

Life is better than I've ever dreamed or imagined. I truly never wanted to marry or have kids. My heart's desire has been being like Emily Dickinson - a reclusive writer. God has given me the desires of my heart... and so much more.

Introduction to Me

Added a video into of me...
https://youtu.be/iMiTOvX_4fE

I'm Scared

Anxiety is really intense this morning. I'm scared. Not sure what I am scared of. Since I don't know what the source of my fear is, I don't want to leave my bed. This has happened before, where I am scared to leave my bedroom. My bedroom! I run to the bathroom and back.

My hope is this doesn't last. The thing about mental illness is you never know when symptoms will hit... or when they will go away.

I texted a few friends early this morning. One of them texted me this quote and said she will call me this afternoon.

That helped.

Anxiety Help?

Article claims song calms anxiety here.

Sure hope so as my anxiety meds are no longer working. Comment below if it helps you.

Praying as Escape

Whenever I get really frazzled, I turn to medications. I was about to take a lot of meds to sleep all day, to escape... I read my Scripture for today- 1 Peter 4:7 "...therefore, be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. " I feel God telling me to PRAY instead of escaping by sleeping.

Please pray. Today started off horrifying. Thank you.