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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Self-Care When Possible

Taking care of oneself is not easy when having mental health issues because you have no energy or interest. When I feel good, I like to tan because I look so much better.

As mentioned, I got a check from my publisher. I did get 2 Christmas presents for myself... I look so much better tan, and on Black Friday, this self-tanner (normally $50 plus tax and shipping), was $23! And I locked in to automatically get it monthly, so that price will stay the same every month!

I am feeling better about myself as my face and neck are tan enough to make me look healthy without foundation. Proves when you (well, I) am able to take care of myself, it helps me feel better.

Then I walked into the crowded post office where the postal workers all greeted me, asking where have I been?! When selling handmade Christmas cards, I went in there several times per week and joked with all of them. Yesterday, I realized I have made another friend as she told me she had missed me, and we started talking about meeting for drinks, her birthday, and would I come to her party? Meanwhile, Jireh was getting lots of love.

I won't change my stance on socializing. But it's nice having options. It's nice taking care of my appearance. It's nice making my apartment my own. (My sheets had holes and rips all over. I found a sale on $60 sheets for $15). My bedding is now ocean themed with dolphins, sea horses, and anchors. God is providing.

So I guess it's not "self-care", it's "God-care" because HE cares.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Suicide Aftermath

Today is the anniversary of a friend's suicide. I understand the pain he must've felt. I'm jealous he is no longer in pain. I'm sure many people are missing him today, but otherwise, his family has adjusted to life without him... and he is at peace. I have no family, but I do have friends who would be heartbroken.

My closest friends would understand. 


I miss you, Isaac. Glad you found peace finally. I'm jealous you are in heaven and I am stuck in this world. Hopefully, not too much longer.

A text from my close friend-

Giving and God's Plan

I admit I have been feeling sorry for myself because I have nothing to look forward to this Christmas, especially compared to last Christmas, which was a dream come true. I wallowed in depression, went through periods of bitterness, sadness... even hatred. It seems God had His own plans...

What a surprise when I found a photo in my timeline of the lady who helped me at the store a year ago when I was shopping for my Christmas Trip to Central Florida. I saw her again for the second time yesterday. She has a daughter with Cerebral Palsy. Since I got the check from my publisher, I wanted to give back in honor of all who gave to me last Christmas. So I bought her a diffuser since it helps relax my muscles, and am giving her my weighted blanket (has bad memories attached to it).

Last Christmas, my friends gave me an all-expensed paid trip to a 5-star hotel! IT WAS TRULY MAGICAL as I have no family and live at the poverty level.

My publisher paid me for the first time in 6 months. I became eligible for $15 month in food stamps and got a retroactive amount, so I have food. I'm safe, warm and my pets are healthy. I have no plans for Christmas and won't go anywhere. I'm working on monetizing my blog and writing a few books. I am determined to get out of poverty, and use my talents to glorify God.

My friend said it sounds like this will be a great Christmas for me as I told him other "surprise" gifts for people who hardly know me. Told him it feels so good to give to others for a change. No feeling like a moocher this year. No feeling like a burden. No. I am sharing the love of Jesus.

That's the Christmas Spirit.

Mark 11- 
The Widow’s Offering
41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

New International Version (NIV) - from Bible Gateway

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Do You Want to Grow?

As we become adults, we are free to make our own unique perceptions of what we were raised to be fact. We can do an intensive questioning over what we believe and why we believe it. Frequently, the answer is because others planted certain beliefs, even lifestyles, in our minds.

Thankfully, I am approaching the holidays differently this year, and I believe this is why my depression has lifted the past several days. Christmas will not be like I was raised... Christmas will be like I design.

Sometimes, we get stuck in the traditions of others, and if those individuals leave our lives, we are lost. We may unknowingly stay victims of the past. After all, those traditions are all we know. Not only do we remain in miserable circumstances, we don't realize we can change the situation.

Change is unfamiliar and scary. Yet change is required for growth.

There was a man in the Bible who had been disabled close to 40 years. Jesus asked him, "Do you want to be healed?". Think about it. For the man to be healed, his comfort zone would be taken away, he would be expected to change, facing the unknown. He would be required to grow to the next step.

And so I ask you... Do you want to grow?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Why I Don't Like Suicidal Hotlines

Yesterday, I woke up feeling the depression had slightly lifted. Knowing depression can hit you at anytime, I didn't tell people because I don't want them thinking I am all better, placing social expectations on me.

I texted a few close friends who know my cycle, and told them details, including my Thanksgiving suicide attempt. They said they had no idea I was so depressed and they would have hospitalized me. My response, "That's why I only told (my best friend)!".

Depressed individuals need someone they fully trust. I completely trust this friend and tell her EVERY THOUGHT... every plan. And by being able to share my darkest days, she has saved my life, rather GOD has used her as a vessel to save my life.

Listen, coming from a fellow psychotherapist and clinically depressed individual, I tell people BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT TELLING PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL. The average person just wants you safe, so, with good intentions, they drop you off at a mental hospital, thinking professionals will help. Those professionals pump you with drugs, watch you for 2 weeks, and for me, that started my Xanax addiction.

In conclusion, I cringe when people tell suicidal people to speak out for help. It's not that easy. You need discernment.

Imagine a child victim of incest "reaching out" to an unknown child molester.
Or a drug addict "reaching out" to an unknown drug dealer.

No. Sometimes, it's best not reaching out for help.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Poem ÷ Welcomed Nuisance

Waking to the symphony of rain,
Hidden like the darkness in my brain.
Am unwelcomed nuisance to most,
This uninvited, dominating host.
Keeping potential visitors away...
I beg, "Stay, rain... please, please, stay.
Insulate me from the others-
Releasing me from all that smothers".

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

There's Hope in Depression

It's going to be alright. The dark abyss may be infinite, yet Jesus takes my hand and leads me out into the light. There may be no speck of light in sight, but Jesus will come for me. And He will fill me with joy and strength to follow Him. He will wipe away all the pain, not just wrapping my wounds, but healing them, and using them to show the world how powerful my God is!
Satan will not win. My God reigns, and He is fighting this battle for me.