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Monday, September 18, 2017

Heart Stuff

Emotional Rant-
Life goes on, right? My best guy friend was supposed to come up this past weekend, but he has acquired new responsibilities and I didn't hear from him until yesterday when I texted where was he. We finally talked, and after much heartbreak, we agreed it was time to end our friendship. Yes, the same guy who promised to be there when Jireh died just 3 days prior. I don't blame him. I see this as part of God's plan. One day, I will understand but right now... it really, really hurts. I have been praying about going back to BSF, and I feel God telling me no. It's strange to think I am not supposed to go to a Bible Study, meeting other Christians, yet He keeps giving me reasons not to go- He wants my writing about Him a priority; my health problems limit how long I can be away from home; the thought of filling out "emergency contact" and hearing about other's talk about their families; and my desire to interpret Scripture through the Holy Spirit.

His answer becomes clearer every time I pray. I am scared. The guy friend was my main support. I wanted to meet other people to help if I get in trouble, especially with holidays coming. I miss his company.

And I think maybe that is part of the reason we parted... I am finally strong enough in my faith and far enough in my Spiritual walk to know God wants to be all of this and more for me.

Most of you will likely pity me... please don't. I am so honored God created me to have such a personal relationship with Him that I feel His presence and trust Him. And I know my relationship with Jesus will never end.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Anxiety Help?

Article claims song calms anxiety here.

Sure hope so as my anxiety meds are no longer working. Comment below if it helps you.

Blogging Business

The number of people reading my blog posts has multiplied by TEN! WOO HOO! My goal for this week is MARKETING, MARKETING,  MARKETING. Hard work and persistence pays off. Focusing on your brand is key as you form online communities with others who share your passions. For example, I will be connecting with other brain geeks, psychotherapists, writers, and Bible scholars. Mental health and physical rehabilitation white papers intended for professional submission, as well as material from two of my book manuscripts will also be peppered throughout. 
Back to my cave I go, being a recluse. My happy place. 
By the way, I am LOVING Instagram's new story features. Add me, and click on my story as I post throughout the day. My IG is Shellyedsfsu.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Tallahassee

I love Tallahassee.
I found this in last year's journal:

Bam! Got kitty litter before people came out at 5am. Heard football player talking about upcoming game. He goes to FSU full time, then practice, then works all night. Then I saw a nurse who works 2 full time jobs to care for her kids. The moon over canopy trees warms my heart. I am safe. People go the other way when Jireh has her vest on. She walks bolder... "No one better mess with my mom!". I got this... ummm... God's got this.

And this is from 2013 when I lived in Central Florida-

Though nobody asks me, I miss Tallahassee.
I get homesick sometimes, when it comes to my mind.
Oh, sure, I’ll move back… within the next year, in fact.
My heart was left there, where I soar through the air.
Dreams come alive – in this place where I thrive.
Doak, Bills, FSU…how my heart misses you.
‘Til days of my old, my heart beats Garnet & Gold.
Absence leaves a deep hole, ’Cause I’m a true Seminole.

----
It's good to be home.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Arrogance

I was told to put more substance in my blog posts instead of mere poems. Lately, I've been hesitant to write for fear of coming off as arrogant. I likely will in this post. Maybe it is healthy self-esteem I'm experiencing and I'm so unfamiliar with excelling at something, that I shrug it off as arrogance. 

My writing seems mediocre to me. When people respond to my emails complimenting my word flow, I'm taken back. I just write! I have a friend who has an amazing vocabulary and talking with him awakens my brain as he invokes such deep thought when we talk. And reading his emails brings me back to college writing classes when I savored the written word like a fine wine. He says he wishes he could write like me, when I am jealous of his relationship with words. Anyway, it is hard for me to write when I feel my writing is blah. Then I see the "Dolphin Tale" movie which totally stole my "Dillon the Dolphin" story and Perez Hilton wrote a Children's book and I arrogantly think, "I can do better than THAT", and I think maybe I need to push my  writing. Or maybe it's conceit.

Counseling, on the other hand, I tend to be OVERCONFIDENT. I know clinical psychology like the back of my hand, psychopathology is my second language, and empathy is God's gift to me. I thrive on helping individuals who have seemingly impossible life crises as the Holy Spirit gives me words of comfort and healing to give them. I guess having a life crisis and having my church join alliances with my enemy in trying to have me committed makes me determined to prove not all Christians sweep problems under the rug in denial. I am still very bitter with my former church and wouldn't wish that type of (ahem) "guidance" on my worst enemy. People need compassion, love, and understanding. I provide these things when counseling the wounded. I am an incredible counselor. Arrogance.

Finally, the Bible. I know the Bible because I know my Jesus. I have spent infinite hours studying scripture, praying and being with Christ. After this 20 year pattern, I know Him in an extraordinary way. It's hard to remain silent in Bible studies. Why? Arrogance. So I refrain from writing blog entries when I have such a chip on my shoulder. 

Truth is, I have no reason for arrogance, just as I have no reason to deny my gifts. They are God's.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

1 Corinthians 4:6 "... Do not go beyond what is written.” Then you will not be puffed up in being a follower of one of us over against the other. 7 For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Prayer Poem

Trying to follow You, Wanting to follow through-
Path is wild with vines, from avoiding so many times.
Depression is under control, but anxiety has taken hold.
Must chose to do what's right, Lord, shine on my path Your light.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

What An Inspiration

There are individuals who leave you speechless by their character. Individuals who are so positive, you reevaluate the world when you are alone. These individuals are extremely rare. One of them, well, two of them, just left my home after a year of no contact.

I am being vague for privacy reasons, and only speak of HER... we were friends until I hurt her. Instead of lashing out at me, she simply walked away because it was the healthy thing for her to do.

The next time I heard from her was a couple years later, DURING A HURRICANE CURFEW, asking if I needed help... and they brought me food. My closest friends didn't check on me, but she did.

I didn't hear from her again until the other night when another hurricane hit. "Shelly, this is ----. Do you need help?". And she checked on me a few times until the hurricane was over.

The couple just left after helping me with my dog. I am incredibly inspired by her. Not many people successfully stay in Tallahassee after college graduation because interns work for dirt cheap. Jobs are hard to come by. After 20 years of trying, I was finally able to move back after living on SSDI and writing. I am thankful to live paycheck to paycheck... until now.

My friend bought a house. She is fulfilling her goals, living her self-determined quality of life. My goals are different: I don't want a house, I want a RV and a boat. My friend has worked hard to become a success. Not just financially, but socially, educationally, etc..

Wow. What an exceptional couple... what an inspiration.