Wednesday, May 30, 2012

NOT FOR THE WEAK AT HEART!- God truly is using Jen to keep me alive. The back up person freaked out when I told him I was suicidal and had a plan. Jen is AMAZING with keeping me going. And no worries, my psychiatrist is monitoring me too. All this is showing me the need to GET PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE!  MANY lives would be saved. I am not ashamed at my condition and have even spoke to Pastor Joel Hunter about God and suicide. Keeping silent will kill you.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

God Showed Up At AT&T

God Showed Up In AT&T

Today was Jen’s birthday. Because of me, she will never forget it.
The reaction from the new medication is still hitting (even though I stopped taking it) and no depression has been worse than this one. The medication I was switched to had a bad reaction and I went into a psychotic state three days ago. All I wanted, the one thing in the whole wide world I wanted, was my mom. I contacted my friends, begged them to find my mom, which does not sound strange if you don’t know me. Those of you who do know me are no doubt reacting as my friends had in discouraging me from trying to find her. She has done nothing but hurt me my entire life, as my friends correctly pointed out. They practically begged me not to contact her.

Jennifer (as usual) tried rationalizing with me. I know my mom won’t change. I know my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and is incapable of changing. I know she will always put me down and I will never be good enough. My reasoning to Jen was as followed:

I know what and who my mom is. Expecting her to be different is like you expecting me to walk or talk differently after time has passed. It won’t happen. BUT I WANT MY MOM! It’s like a battered woman going back to an abusive marriage. I know what it involves, but it is all I have now and I am willing to take whatever I can get.

After much discourse between friends, someone found my mom for me… she refused to call me. An email was all I received:

Professionals have told me if you perceive me as such a horrible mother and am the trigger for your depression, drugs and suicide attempts I need to stay out of your life. You can leave a message.

My friends were right.
Contacting her sent me into an immediate suicidal mode. Thankfully, I have this promise with Jennifer and friends… if I ever contemplate suicide, I will contact one of them. Fortunately, I had no money, so I had no means of… you know.

I thought about rat poison. I was serious. I wanted to die. The promise “God would never leave me nor forsake me”, for the first time in my life, I felt He broke His promise. I texted  something completely out of character for me, yet I meant it with every fiber of my being:

“I am no longer excited to see Jesus. In fact, I hope there is no heaven, no hell. I hope we just die.”  I told one of them I can’t make it through another holiday, and I was done. My biggest heartbreak would be missing Addy and Jireh growing up. Jireh is still a puppy!!! But I am lonely and exhausted and empty and tired… and I was left by God, just like I was left by my Mom.

That was last night. I was suicidal last night! Point being I WAS TOTALLY HONEST ABOUT HOW I WAS FEELING! I DON’T PLAY GAMES.

Going to the hospital was not an option as all they would do is pump me with pills. I don’t want pills. I wanted someone to listen to me, to sit with me, to care for me, to love me, to make me feel like I matter. Jennifer is out of town again so I hit the bottom of the pit. I was going to get rat poisoning (which, by the way, doesn’t kill people). I had even asked someone if I could borrow their gun, and they completely missed my suicidal intent. I reached out to sooo many people… no one (but Jennifer) either had the time or took me seriously. No one. I didn’t hint around either, I made it clear to people I was suicidal. But no one had time or the guts to just sit with me.

I was APPALLED! I thought of how many people commit suicide and how few the number is compared to how ignorant and uneducated this world is. I thought about how sad it is, the people I thought were ‘experts’ in suicide called Jen – who HAS HAD NO MENTAL HEALTH TRAINING- asking her what to do! Poor Jen, today is her birthday, so I knew I couldn’t end my life today.

MEANWHILE, my cell phone was shut off for non-payment. I thought to myself, “I have nothing to lose, I may as well go to AT&T and see if they will take off this 2nd phone off my account that was accidently put on there last year (which is why my cell phone has been $165mth. and no one will change it). So I did and the guy was nice and had me laughing and said if I can come up with $165 within 30 days (plus my normal $120 monthly bill), they will reinstate my phone UNTIL FRIDAY 6/1, take off the 2nd phone, AND my monthly bill will be $65 mth.

While he explained it to me on paper, I thought, “I don’t know how this is going to happen since my bank account is already in the black…. But this is a miracle. This is God!”

So my cell phone was reinstated. I called Jen. I told her God showed up at AT&T and I was out of crisis mode

She cried. After a few seconds of silence, she said, “This is the best birthday present I could have ever asked for.”

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Psychotic Scare

UPDATE- CONTACTED MY DOCTOR WHO SAID DO NOT TAKE THAT MEDICATION. Evidently, he had been calling me last week but I gave him the wrong number! HE WANTED ME TO STOP TAKING VIIBRYD A WEEK AND A HALF AGO BUT COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF ME! SO BASICALLY, THE MEDICATION MADE ME PSYCHOTIC! I'm fine now. Thanks for the calls. Sally, Jen, Stacie, Rob, Teresa, Sherry, THANK YOU for not leaving my side and calling me. THANK YOU! The psychiatrist wants me to see my psychologist NOW may even waive the fee because I have been so suicidal. THANK GOD we figured out it was a bad reaction to the medication! I am hugging Jireh sooo tight! No one will ever take my dog from me!

NOTE- If you don't feel right on medication, inform your doctor IMMEDIATELY! My mistake was I did not keep calling him to tell him I was feeling increasingly 'different'.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Self Injurious Behavior

Often you will see scars on depressed individuals, either from burns, cutting or picking. This is a way for the emotionally numb person to actually experience intense feelings. Self injurious behavior can help you express and feel emotions that are otherwise pent up. Unfortunately, people who engage in self injurious behavior feel guilt and shame knowing their actions are uncommon or even unacceptable ways of dealing with stress. Yet self harm is typically used to 'feel something' or distract oneself from their painful numbness. Victims of sexual abuse are known to engage in self injurious behaviors in effort to make their bodies less attractive. Wearing long sweaters and layers of clothing in the heat of summer is usually indicative of individuals hiding lacerations caused by self injurious acts. Since people who self injure tend to hide their scars, it is not true that the injury is done for attention.

For more information on self injurious behavior, please refer to the Cornell Research About Self Injury.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I feel better!
After a week of having hopeless, desperate thoughts, I got up, took my dog (Jireh) for a long walk, and chased squirrels with Jireh. (Don’t worry, I won’t let her catch the poor squirrels, we just chase them.)

Last night, a friend came and ran Jireh after she had been at my bedside practically all week. I had even sent Jen this picture earlier in the day of Jireh lying on my hip, looking so pitiful. I felt so sad. I told Jen, “Jireh knows I want to die… and she doesn’t know how to help.” Jen told me to tell Jireh she feels the same way. Rob kept asking what he could do. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I COULD DO, so I had no idea how anyone could help. There was no money for me to go back and see if the new medication was the culprit. And so a week went by, Jen and Teresa sat with me one night in attempts to help, Rob emailed concern…. I wrote, a lot. And I thought a lot. But I slept the most. I was beginning to think this was the beginning of another bout of years of suffering. I never became suicidal, I just prayed for God to take me home.

So what changed?

Jireh went running with a friend. I saw Jireh go from my sad, helpless best friend to a happy, energetic dog who was ecstatic to see me when she got home. She wagged and wagged and gave me high-fives and loved me. That made me happy. Jireh had a respite from being by my side to being a playful dog. And then she came home to me.

And it got me thinking…

Life isn’t about being a priority in anyone’s life. When I go in my dark places, I tell myself no one would miss me, and Addy & Jireh would be happier with a non-depressed owner. I am realizing social relationships aren’t that black and white.

Rob told me every time Jireh gets closer to home, she runs faster as if she can’t wait to get to me. Jen tells me when she drives Jireh home, Jireh gets excited when they pull into my neighborhood. Yes, Jireh has fun away from me, her life is exciting when I’m not around, but ultimately, she loves coming home to me, sharing her day with me. She would be fine if I wasn’t in her life, but a huge part would be missing: Me.

People are replaceable. I could find someone to replace Jen – someone who helps me grocery shop and with laundry and endless dark conversations. I could survive without Jen in my life. But it would be lacking, lacking the priceless gift that only Jen can provide. The laughs and jokes and tears and, well, friendship. We have a connection that greatly adds to the quality of my life.

If I wasn’t here, I would take that gift from my pets, friends, and all those who lives I impact.

So if you are depressed and feeling people would be better off without you, or if you think people would get on with their life after you are gone… you may or may not be correct. But don’t you see – you’ll be taking away a piece of their quality of life. We all add to each other’s experiences, and your absense would create a missing link making the experience incomplete!

I know, when you’re in the depths of despair, none of this matters. But take it from me… YOU matter. You have to fight. You have to be the piece in puzzles that complete lives. Hang on. I won’t lie to you. Life sucks. But it can get better over night. YOU HAVE TO HANG ON!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Depression Lasts

Depression Lasts

We may feel better for days or months at a time, but that doesn’t mean we are healed. Real clinical depression is a life-long, day-to-day battle. It is an underlining current that is as familiar as one’s heartbeat. It never stops. Sure, the circulation waxes and wanes… sometimes so lightly one must deliberately seek out the stream as it calmly runs its endless course. Then other times, the waves are cyclonic, like tidal waves pushing you over, making it impossible to stand, much less breathe. If we’re lucky enough to have someone who not only cares, but actually understands, there’s few words to communicate how grateful we are for their concern. Yet there is no way to fix us. Many times, just sitting with us without pressuring us to talk will help, but it never “fixes”. There is no immediate ‘fix’.

There are medications, which take four-to-six weeks to kick in, yet when in the depth of severe depression, 60 seconds are torture. All that matters is now, escaping the pain right now. Despite having faith and knowing God performs miracles and He can remove the bitterness, pain, resentment… nothing less than agony, the depression takes over and none of that matters. You would give anything for relief.

Sometimes, when you hurt that deeply, there appears to be only two options: temporarily escaping or permanently escaping, also known as suicide. People say suicide is selfish because of the people you leave behind who suffer. With the exception of children, if someone truly loves you, they shouldn’t want you to be in such pain anymore, and should understand your desire to leave this earth. Their lives go on, they don’t deal with the constant torture that you have welling up inside of you.

Temporary relief includes drugs, alcohol, and a variety of addictions. But they never last. They are substitutes to appease loved ones into avoiding committing suicide, but you wake up and you feel worse than you did when you started. And if someone finds you, now you have to live with the stigma of being ‘a crazy person’. It’s a no-win situation.

Me, I’ve been on all parts of the spectrum: attempts at temporary relief, suicide attempts, reaching out for help, hospitalizations and everything in between. Obviously, I am still here. I will never attempt suicide again because God has shown me it is on HIS time, not mine. He won’t let me come home until He is ready for me, so my attempting to thwart His plan is an all around foolish idea. I am stuck here.

Some days are better than others, especially recently since I started seeing a new psychiatrist and psychologist. I still don’t want to be here, but that is not my choice. It is God’s choice. And as long as I am here, I will do what I can to glorify Him through my honesty and transparence in hopes I can help others who suffer from mental illness.