God Showed Up At AT&T

God Showed Up In AT&T

Today was Jen’s birthday. Because of me, she will never forget it.

The reaction from the new medication is still hitting (even though I stopped taking it) and no depression has been worse than this one. The medication I was switched to had a bad reaction and I went into a psychotic state three days ago. All I wanted, the one thing in the whole wide world I wanted, was my mom. I contacted my friends, begged them to find my mom, which does not sound strange if you don’t know me. Those of you who do know me are no doubt reacting as my friends had in discouraging me from trying to find her. She has done nothing but hurt me my entire life, as my friends correctly pointed out. They practically begged me not to contact her.

Jennifer (as usual) tried rationalizing with me. I know my mom won’t change. I know my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and is incapable of changing. I know she will always put me down and I will never be good enough. My reasoning to Jen was as followed:

I know what and who my mom is. Expecting her to be different is like you expecting me to walk or talk differently after time has passed. It won’t happen. BUT I WANT MY MOM! It’s like a battered woman going back to an abusive marriage. I know what it involves, but it is all I have now and I am willing to take whatever I can get.

After much discourse between friends, someone found my mom for me… she refused to call me. An email was all I received:

Professionals have told me if you perceive me as such a horrible mother and am the trigger for your depression, drugs and suicide attempts I need to stay out of your life. You can leave a message.

My friends were right.
Contacting her sent me into an immediate suicidal mode. Thankfully, I have this promise with Jennifer and friends… if I ever contemplate suicide, I will contact one of them. Fortunately, I had no money, so I had no means of… you know.

I thought about rat poison. I was serious. I wanted to die. The promise “God would never leave me nor forsake me”, for the first time in my life, I felt He broke His promise. I texted  something completely out of character for me, yet I meant it with every fiber of my being:

“I am no longer excited to see Jesus. In fact, I hope there is no heaven, no hell. I hope we just die.”  I told one of them I can’t make it through another holiday, and I was done. My biggest heartbreak would be missing Addy and Jireh growing up. Jireh is still a puppy!!! But I am lonely and exhausted and empty and tired… and I was left by God, just like I was left by my Mom.

That was last night. I was suicidal last night! Point being I WAS TOTALLY HONEST ABOUT HOW I WAS FEELING! I DON’T PLAY GAMES.

Going to the hospital was not an option as all they would do is pump me with pills. I don’t want pills. I wanted someone to listen to me, to sit with me, to care for me, to love me, to make me feel like I matter. Jennifer is out of town again so I hit the bottom of the pit. I was going to get rat poisoning (which, by the way, doesn’t kill people). I had even asked someone if I could borrow their gun, and they completely missed my suicidal intent. I reached out to sooo many people… no one (but Jennifer) either had the time or took me seriously. No one. I didn’t hint around either, I made it clear to people I was suicidal. But no one had time or the guts to just sit with me.

I was APPALLED! I thought of how many people commit suicide and how few the number is compared to how ignorant and uneducated this world is. I thought about how sad it is, the people I thought were ‘experts’ in suicide called Jen – who HAS HAD NO MENTAL HEALTH TRAINING- asking her what to do! Poor Jen, today is her birthday, so I knew I couldn’t end my life today.

MEANWHILE, my cell phone was shut off for non-payment. I thought to myself, “I have nothing to lose, I may as well go to AT&T and see if they will take off this 2^nd phone off my account that was accidently put on there last year (which is why my cell phone has been $165mth. and no one will change it). So I did and the guy was nice and had me laughing and said if I can come up with $165 within 30 days (plus my normal $120 monthly bill), they will reinstate my phone UNTIL FRIDAY 6/1, take off the 2^nd phone, AND my monthly bill will be $65 mth.

While he explained it to me on paper, I thought, “I don’t know how this is going to happen since my bank account is already in the black…. But this is a miracle. This is God!”

So my cell phone was reinstated. I called Jen. I told her God showed up at AT&T and I was out of crisis mode

She cried. After a few seconds of silence, she said, “This is the best birthday present I could have ever asked for.”