Better!

I feel better!

After a week of having hopeless, desperate thoughts, I got up, took my dog (Jireh) for a long walk, and chased squirrels with Jireh. (Don’t worry, I won’t let her catch the poor squirrels, we just chase them.)

Last night, a friend came and ran Jireh after she had been at my bedside practically all week. I had even sent Jen this picture earlier in the day of Jireh lying on my hip, looking so pitiful. I felt so sad. I told Jen, “Jireh knows I want to die… and she doesn’t know how to help.” Jen told me to tell Jireh she feels the same way. Rob kept asking what he could do. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I COULD DO, so I had no idea how anyone could help. There was no money for me to go back and see if the new medication was the culprit. And so a week went by, Jen and Teresa sat with me one night in attempts to help, Rob emailed concern…. I wrote, a lot. And I thought a lot. But I slept the most. I was beginning to think this was the beginning of another bout of years of suffering. I never became suicidal, I just prayed for God to take me home.

So what changed?

Jireh went running with a friend. I saw Jireh go from my sad, helpless best friend to a happy, energetic dog who was ecstatic to see me when she got home. She wagged and wagged and gave me high-fives and loved me. That made me happy. Jireh had a respite from being by my side to being a playful dog. And then she came home to me.

And it got me thinking…

Life isn’t about being a priority in anyone’s life. When I go in my dark places, I tell myself no one would miss me, and Addy & Jireh would be happier with a non-depressed owner. I am realizing social relationships aren’t that black and white.

Rob told me every time Jireh gets closer to home, she runs faster as if she can’t wait to get to me. Jen tells me when she drives Jireh home, Jireh gets excited when they pull into my neighborhood. Yes, Jireh has fun away from me, her life is exciting when I’m not around, but ultimately, she loves coming home to me, sharing her day with me. She would be fine if I wasn’t in her life, but a huge part would be missing: Me.

People are replaceable. I could find someone to replace Jen – someone who helps me grocery shop and with laundry and endless dark conversations. I could survive without Jen in my life. But it would be lacking, lacking the priceless gift that only Jen can provide. The laughs and jokes and tears and, well, friendship. We have a connection that greatly adds to the quality of my life.

If I wasn’t here, I would take that gift from my pets, friends, and all those who lives I impact.

So if you are depressed and feeling people would be better off without you, or if you think people would get on with their life after you are gone… you may or may not be correct. But don’t you see – you’ll be taking away a piece of their quality of life. We all add to each other’s experiences, and your absense would create a missing link making the experience incomplete!

I know, when you’re in the depths of despair, none of this matters. But take it from me… YOU matter. You have to fight. You have to be the piece in puzzles that complete lives. Hang on. I won’t lie to you. Life sucks. But it can get better over night. YOU HAVE TO HANG ON!