Monday, February 19, 2018
Sunday, February 18, 2018
I am very excited to introduce my first guest blogger - Shelly Weiss. Shelly Weiss is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor/Consultant who was born with Cerebral Palsy. She has more than 30 years working in the disability community, including keynote presentations all over the country. Shelly shared with me a wonderful experience she had at the Bohemian Hotel Celebration and I asked her if she would share it with all of you. [ 606 more words ]
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Of course, my first response is to fight back. I can hold my own in an argument, largely because the little girl in me has learned to keep walls up, not emotionally investing in people as I stay at home with writing, books, and God's Word. This has been my chosen lifestyle for most of my adult life, until my dad died a few months ago. My mother and brothers are extremely toxic to me, thus I assumed if my own blood can treat me so terribly, I have no interest in socializing.
My purpose here is to glorify God. He has gifted me with writing talent, Biblical understanding, and Spiritual guidance. Also, the older I get, the less ability I have to get out due to worsening of multiple chronic illnesses (both physical and mental). Inevitably, when I force myself to socialize, I poop my pants (Crohn's Disease), fall (Cerebral Palsy), and end potential relationships (PTSD, Major Depression, Agoraphobia).
God has convinced me it's His will I spend my days writing, reading, and worshipping while enjoying His undeniable peaceful presence. And I love that lifestyle. I am immensely grateful He has made this possible for me.
Even though I gave up toxic relationships for lent, political actions including making changes to the Americans with Disabilities Act had me glued to social media. Well, I can officially say Facebook is dangerous to my health. Without the Lord reminding me "By this all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another" - John 13:35, I stopped in my tracks, filled with shame and repentance from my thoughts, actions, and comments.
Satan knows each of our vulnerabilities. One of mine is injustice and prejudice, especially against people with disabilities. I was close to a meltdown yesterday... a full-blown meltdown. The things I said to people were NOT filled with love. And my thoughts were pure MEAN!
When did I forget God will always be the King of the world? (Natalie Grant).
I shut off Facebook, and remembered Joshua 1:8 - "Do not let this Book of Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.".
I remember the people bashing me, and ask God for His power to "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:36.
I vowed to "Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." - Psalm 34:14, knowing the Lord of peace himself will give me peace at all times and in every way (2 Thessalonians 3:16).
And with that, I learned to avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly (2 Timothy 2:16).
No longer will I engage in ignorant discussions. Instead, I call my Congressmen, express my concerns, and leave the rest to God.
This will save both my time and sanity.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
*I am using this letter to a friend to explain my release from family drama. Just because your parents are your parents, if it is a toxic relationship, you need to let them go.
No one and nothing is worth your sanity.
By the way, there has been a lapse in my writing the past few days because of toxic relationships. By tending to toxic relationships, I have neglected the friends, work and quiet time that fulfills my quality of life.
Went to Walmart and got generic food... my fridge is full. It's beyond comforting to look in my pantry and find food. It's like a life raft. I agreed to write for a travel blog on how hotels are accommodating to people with disabilities. I need to catch up my own blogs after getting behind from crashing over the weekend.
Relatives are calling me and I finally got to the point of being honest when they ask where I have been for 30 years. They tell me my mom always said "Shelly isn't speaking to me", so last night, I told my cousin everything. Everything. From when mom butt called me and I overheard her saying how horrible I am, to trying to commit me, to sitting there when Mikie went to punch me, to not letting me stay with my dad on his death bed. So, yes, she was right saying "Shelly isn't speaking to me". And I explained why.
And my cousin CRIED, saying she had no idea, and how have I survived? And I said I kept going back to her until New Year's Eve, when I wrote her off forever. And I have never felt freer.
I have you and wonderful people in my life. And I have never felt more loved, or healthier.
We have to let go of the past for our own sanity. And God blesses us by filling our opened heart with people who love and treat us as we deserve.
Thank you for showing me the love of Christ. I love you, and trust Jesus more than ever.
Monday, February 12, 2018
There is no way to predict when a Crohn's attack will occur, nor how long it will last. Causes include spicy foods, lettuce, peanuts, and strangely for me, frappicinos (I call them “crappicinios"). Surgically removing the blocked area is common, but since the blockage can impact another part of the intestine, I always refuse surgery. The small intestine is 20 feet long, so if I had the blockage removed every time I get sick, I won't have a small intestine and would need a drainage bag. You can read more information on Healthline and searching for Crohn's Disease.
For me, there is a direct correlation between stress/emotions and Crohn's. Having commitments stress me out, even commitments I want to attend. Also, there's a few interpersonal conflicts occurring with me as I grow into my next chapter.
More soon. For now, I need a nap.
Don't forget to click on the right hand link of thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com to donate for me to get a needed puppy to train before Jireh retires. Thank you.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
In this video, I discuss the need for a new service dog puppy to train before Jireh retires, the impact cerebral palsy has on my stamina and other age related topics. Click the link.
Friday, February 9, 2018
The complex got a new Pest Control company. The last company knew not to knock on my door because of PTSD. Management is EXCELLENT understanding and accommodating my PTSD, including calling me before sending maintenance over. The knock on my door, a simple freaking knock on my door, brought back a myriad of horrific terrors. Just like that.
A single sound, smell, touch can fuel PTSD just like that. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and I can't stop catastrophising. I want Xanax. I seriously want Xanax.
My Jireh's bark is vicious, which comforts me knowing she scares people away. I am in the process of, well, I have been seriously considering setting up a GoFund me page to start raising money for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. Then, I had second thoughts, thinking when Jireh and Addy pass away, I will just stay in bed, writing, praying, and reading.
Before this, I contacted a breeder from my home town who I instantly connected to after seeing videos of her puppies, environment, and hearing Christian music in the background. She answered every question to my liking (tests goldens require, number of times they breed a female - I HATE WHEN PEOPLE BREED FEMALES MANY TIMES! POOR DOGS!, etc.). She truly cares for the dogs. That makes me feel like charging $1800 per puppy is reasonable. When she told me her husband is a Pastor, so she couldn't negotiate the price... I knew if God provides me the money, this family deserves the money.
So after I was just sent into A MAJOR PTSD MELTDOWN, I know I need a puppy. My vet will cover expenses (except for medications) after the puppy turns 6 mths old, which is how I afford to keep Jireh as a service dog. I will just have to pay for initial shots and get the puppy fixed. So here goes... watch how God works as I ask strangers (readers of my social media) to help me raise $2200 for a puppy who will help me keep my independence, helping me when I fall, when I have anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and even the times I get so depression, I feel I have nothing to live for. Watch God perform His miracles!
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Just like that, Crohn's and depression is back. I realize growing hurts. Growing sucks. Growing is good, except for the goodbyes. And we must say goodbye to grow, and make room for new friends. No one is at fault. We may walk together our entire lives, and suddenly, there's a fork in the road. Do you stay loyal to the person who has been by your side, who knows the girl you have been and treats you accordingly? Or do you stay loyal to yourself, making friends who treat you as the person you are growing to be?
I have to stay loyal to me. I will never forget the memories of the past. I also will not force a friendship on those who censor their traumatic experiences from me for fear they will trigger me. And ESPECIALLY when they lie and tell me they are fine, no, GOOD, after a terrible loss has happened. To me, THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A BURDEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO MASK YOUR FEELINGS.
I will not be a burden. I'm taking the road less traveled, the road of authenticity.
Monday, February 5, 2018
And the Blessings Keep Coming...
My rent goes up next month, so a couple months ago, I thought I would have to move to a cheaper place. Not having the money for initial costs of deposits and such, in addition to loving where I live... the situation seemed hopeless. Since then, God has taught me to EXPECT (not HOPE) He will answer my prayers. I learned being obedient, walking according to His leading, and ASKING were components lacking in my life.
A couple weeks ago, I checked my bank balance to see if I had money for a McDonald's value meal. There was an extra $156 in my account from Social Security! It seems I have been deemed "medically needy", and no longer have Medicare expenses taken from my check. This more than covers my increase in rent!!!!
God then showed me how having $5 value meals in lieu of groceries was NOT good stewardship. So I started ordering cereal, coffee, peanut butter, kitty litter, toilet paper etc. off Amazon where they are a minimum of 50% cheaper if you can find them as "add on items". I also order protein shake powder and mix it with water to get the proper nutrition. My diet and spending significantly changed for the better ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL, NOT MY WILL.
My favorite band, Def Leppard, started selling concert tickets the day I got my SSDI. I had assumed this must be a sign that God wanted me to make a financial exception and put tickets on my emergency credit card. I mean, it's DEF LEPPARD! Sure, I have seen them 6 times before, but IT'S MY FAVORITE BAND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
Well, the day came when tickets went on sale. On the way to buy Jireh's monthly medication, I get a text on my phone saying tickets JUST went on sale. So I made a mental note to order the ticket right after running errands.
Then the vet told me Jireh's check up is in a month. (Since she's a service dog, I only pay for medication, including shots.) That will be an additional expense. I don't even want to consider 'what if something is wrong with her'. Then, a close friend lost 'their' job and we share a phone plan, so I have to cover the entire $210 phone bill. (We both have payment plans for our phones, making the bill high).
No Def Leppard tickets. I even cancelled my monthly order for the diffuser oil that helps with migraines, C.P., anxiety and PTSD.
I kept telling God to tell me what to do, especially financially, and I will do it because I EXPECT HIM TO BE JEHOVAH JIREH - My Provider.
I called At&T to get on the lowest data plan possible, and was switched to another department where the representative said when people call to cancel their accounts, At&t offers them $30 off their monthly bill to stay. Since I have been such a loyal customer, they wanted to keep me on my plan at a $30 cheaper rate!! I couldn't believe it!!! Praise God!
Then, this morning, I went to buy milk for my cereal. Starbucks was right next door. I haven't been to Starbucks in what seems like an eternity. Paying $5 for a cup of coffee is no longer in my budget. I wanted a Butterscotch Latte so bad. I asked God, okay, TOLD God... just one Butterscotch Latte... please?
I didn't get a solid answer. My car headed towards Starbucks. I felt like I was about to get into mischief, thinking, "this is wrong, this is wrong...", when I pulled up to pay for my latte, the cashier told me the lady before me paid for my order!!!!
No words, except HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!
Sunday, February 4, 2018
I always see posts about reaching out for help if you are suicidal, or write "done" if you read this... and my favorite "say Amen if you believe in God". If only things were that simple.
If we are too busy to read the Bible daily, we are too busy for a relationship with Jesus. That was Charles Stanley's message this morning. He addressed loneliness and said if you have the Holy Spirit indwelt in you, you need to reach out to Him when you are lonely. I never feel lonely when I stay inside and off of social media because I enjoy the presence of Jesus. I don't question why God is allowing bad things to happen because the world doesn't revolve around me. The Old Testament is full of examples where the Lord told Israelites their disobedience will impact future generations. A perfect example is when God said women will always have painful childbirth became Eve disobeyed. And because we cannot live perfect, sinless lives, Jesus had to pay the ultimate sacrifice as the only sinless man. If we refuse to accept Jesus as Savior, we will not be filled with the Holy Spirit, our sins will not be forgiven, and we will not live eternally with Christ.
The past few days have shown me how much I have grown. The friends I have had for most of my life are not use to who I am now. When we change, sometimes our family/friends fight our growth, and if we are not careful, they will pull us back to the victim role.
I am no longer a victim. I have fought with God's strength to better myself. I am neither WHO I use to be, nor WHERE I use to be. Sadly, I have outgrown friends I had in my sickness. That is why I never married - I intend to keep growing, and will not be held back by those who do not grow with me.
Words mean little to me now. "I will pray for you" or "read" isn't enough anymore. Neither are good intentions. When a potted plant grows, it must be planted in deeper soil to spread its roots. Otherwise, it will be stunted.
It's time for me to be planted in deeper soil.
Friday, February 2, 2018
The recovering addict isn't always at fault.
I am very mad at a friend and feeling trapped. If I try to talk to her about it, she will accuse me of reverting to my past behavior of getting mad and writing people off. Cathy reminded me of something a close friend did, which had me push her away, and I completely forgot she did that. The past is the past, and I forgive her for that incident. But she continues to do it every time I talk to her. She won't accept me for me, and always asks if I have been taking Xanax, or how am I going to pay my bills, or if I am yelling at people... I now remember why I walked away, and have plans with her to meet another friend... I don't want to be treated like I haven't changed. I have changed, I am a much better person. For once, the problem isn't me. It's not always wise to follow the 12 steps about making amends with the one who you hurt in your addiction. This "making amends" situation falls into the category of "unless it is harmful...". Now I am feeling like if I say anything directly to her, I will be seen as falling back into my old patterns. So I am taking the wimpy passive aggressive approach of not addressing her. I always, ALWAYS, have looked at the person's intentions behind their actions before reacting. Well, that's why I forgave my mom so many times... knowing she had my best interests at heart. Now I see someone else's best interest for me may not be healthiest for me.
Thursday, February 1, 2018