Thursday, August 31, 2017

Praying as Escape

Whenever I get really frazzled, I turn to medications. I was about to take a lot of meds to sleep all day, to escape... I read my Scripture for today- 1 Peter 4:7 "...therefore, be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. " I feel God telling me to PRAY instead of escaping by sleeping.

Please pray. Today started off horrifying. Thank you.


Jireh was up all night scratching. I put Addy's hot spot meds on her, praying it's okay for dogs. The ingredients matched. Now she's getting a rash on top of her head. I will take her to the vet when I get paid tomorrow. I am numb.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

It's Happening Again

Jireh finished her antibiotics but she is still itching. I just found this. Please pray Jireh heals soon...

Joel Osteen Scandal

There is major controversy over Joel Osteen and the Houston Storm.

Joel Osteen corrected his mistake. Move on. I still don't follow him because I don't agree with claiming the best so God gives you the best. Anyone who believes life should be that way for Christians has not followed the life of Jesus. Jesus suffered for us...and we have some audacity to expect a lavish lifestyle because we have faith. And thank God for mercy... Joel made a mistake... he fixed it. I thank God Jesus forgives me for my mistakes. And Jesus suffered for me, so I will suffer for Him.

You've heard/read in James "Faith without works is dead".... I could be wrong,  yet to me that means praying and "claiming" is not enough WHEN GOD GIVES US RESOURCES TO DO MORE.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Missing in Action

I know, I know... I haven't blogged... my life is (as everyone else's) filled with ups and downs. Normally, I can focus on God with unwavering faith... but this month GOT ME! The final straw was my best friend/assistance dog developed a nasty skin AND ear infection that made her miserable.

When my babies are sick, I go into BASIC SURVIVAL MODE.

Many kudos to mothers of two legged babies. My heart could not handle it.

Yesterday, Jireh started feeling better..So I told God how I need Him to give me the strength to persevere because I truly am in survival mode since Jireh has been sick... I read James how to consider it pure joy when we face trials... trials lead to perseverance to finish the work He created us to do. I prayed and journal.. got up to get a drink. Jireh was sleeping... she got up, AND BROUGHT ME HER BALL! She led me outside TO PLAY CATCH! SHE'S FEELING BETTER! Thank you, Lord.

So I will be catching up on writing, mainly on paper,  but on this blog as well. I also am interested in reading others blogs, so please leave me a comment if you have a blog I can link on my page.

Thank you.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Face It

I'm getting old. Seriously. My body is exhausted. Cerebral Palsy ages my body quicker than those not having a disability. My friends are not use to my limitations, and neither am I. Yet I notice the gradual decline. Remember, I have 6 or 7 disabilities, and I have always fought them.

This is not to be a pity post... more of an educational informative (is that redundant?) so other's know possibilities of what aging can bring.

It's hard to catch my breath. Sometimes, when I don't sit down and rest, my throat fills with phelm, making my choke. Sometimes my food won't go down because of the blockage.

My vision is going, and I can't read without glasses.

I no longer have control over Crohn's. Since my diagnosis in 11th grade, I could feel it coming and get to the restroom. Not anymore.

Walking is harder - no stamina.

Depression stays longer, and goes deeper. I've spent much time in the pit.  It's harder to get out.

Memory is bad. I forget how old I am, what friends I have walked away from,  and am losing things.

I could continue, but it would take too much time. I've been organizing so I know where to find things, and this has me drained.

Thank goodness I have a career in writing with intensive knowledge of Psychology and the Bible!

I sometimes think my death is getting close because I am facing possible colon cancer. This gives me a sense of energy to write, write, write so my life glorifies God. He is my strength.

Do what you can when you can. Life can pass by without your realization.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Art Accessibility

I've been escaping through art lately and letting my mind run free in pictures. I found this site  and thought you may like a "mental vacation". It's inspiring how people use their health conditions to express the un-expressible.

Here's a description about the art:
Artsy’s mission is to make all the world’s art accessible to anyone with an Internet connection. Artsy are a resource for art collecting and education.

Artsy's Artsy’s mission is to make all the world’s art accessible to anyone with an Internet connection. Artsy are a resource for art collecting and education.

Artsy's Frida Kahlo page, like all of the artist pages, provides visitors with Kahlo's bio, works, exclusive articles, and up-to-date Kahlo exhibition listings. The page also includes related artists and categories, allowing viewers to discover art beyond our Kahlo page.

Frida Kahlo’s life has become as iconic as her work, in no small part because she was her own most popular subject: roughly one third of her entire oeuvre is self-portraits. Her works were intensely personal and political, often reflecting her turbulent personal life, her illness, and her relationship with the revolutionary muralist Diego Rivera. Kahlo dedicated her life and her art to the Mexican Revolution and the simultaneous artistic renaissance it engendered. Her style of painting has been widely categorized; Rivera considered her a realist, while André Breton considered her a Surrealist, and Kahlo eschewed labels entirely. “I paint my own reality,” she wrote. “The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration.” She identified most strongly with Mexican popular and folk art, also evidenced in her habit of dressing elaborately in Tehuana costumes.

It you would like to explore more of these exquisite pieces, here are some links directly to the Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, and André Breton pages on their names.


Sunday, August 13, 2017


Poem - Depression Won't Win

Actively fighting this dark pit,
I WILL defeat it by refusing to quit.
Don't count me out - don't you dare!
I'll be stronger than ever, so watch & prepare!
I'm not done, just changing gears...
I'll rise like a star in upcoming years.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

It Hurts

Life... it hurts.

It hurts every turn I make. I'm scared to look anywhere for fear I will hurt some more. I don't know what to do.

There is a wonderful blessing that lifted my spirits a bit. My health has greatly declined, and I recently got some potentially devastating news. I worry when I die, there will be no one to take care of my Addy and Jireh. My prayers were answered when a friend texted me this morning to let me know she would keep them both together. What a relief! Knowing what a big responsibility that is, I definitely felt appreciative, loved, and understood.

I'm holding on to that to refuse to give up.

Friday, August 11, 2017


Been doing a lot of processing, coming up with new story plots and writing poetry. Definitely in a deep clinical depression, yet there is no one I would want to leave Addy and Jireh to. And so I sleep a lot, read the Bible, and contemplate my place in this world. Sadly, I don't think I have a place in this world,  at least not society.

There's a society in my mind where things are fair, God is revered and people are loving.  Whose to say this 48 year old can't go back to her world of pretend?

To be honest, the world in my head is closer to reality than the world I have been living in! I've seen a few people's true colors this past summer, and they are not who I thought they were. I've been living in the bubble of denial.

Having mental illness is bad enough, but expecting people to understand illnesses that differ from one person to the next is beyond practical. I have work to do... work educating people on mental illnesses. Work explaining depression doesn't impact one's level of faith if they claim to be a Christian.

And a couple other books and articles. I need to be with other writers and people with mental illnesses. Online! Thank goodness, I can do all this online... but I am here, behind my keyboard, making residence in my head.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

God Turns Burdens Into Blessings

A dear friend just told me she is able to be a friend with depression after watching me go through severe depression.

That means so much to me! That shows me my burden is of benefit to others. It makes my depression worth it.

And this friend confronted me on a very uncomfortable topic..  I know that was hard for her. By talking with her, God was talking to me.

Monday, August 7, 2017

People Come and Go

Article on Sinead O'Connor here.

I feel for her. I truly do. People don't handle mental illness the way you think they should because they can't read your mind (trust me... you don't want to read my mind!). I tell myself what a burden I am and my relatives are right... I think I lost another close friend. So I decided 2 hours ago to know people are just passing through at this moment and keep everything on the surface. Then, I reached out to 3 local friends, and am making plans for the beach, a literature reading, and writing at Starbucks. They are in my life right now. And if I just have Addy and Jireh for Christmas,  that's okay.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Unexpected Break

I am so thankful I've been homeless. My friends are feeling bad recent events are causing me to cancel cable, wifi, and a few other things. Someone offered to pawn stuff to help. I am very grateful. Yet my pets have everything they need, my car is fixed, I AM SAFE. So I won't have WiFi for 4 months. I won't have my Coke or Excedrine I take daily for migraines. I have more than most people in the world! I will be back in a few months. This is only temporary. Please don't ask me questions... I hate questions and advice. I have taken care of myself for my whole life. I am fine.

I will keep writing and update a couple times per week when I can get to Wi-fi.

Take care.