Depression Lasts

Depression Lasts

We may feel better for days or months at a time, but that doesn’t mean we are healed. Real clinical depression is a life-long, day-to-day battle. It is an underlining current that is as familiar as one’s heartbeat. It never stops. Sure, the circulation waxes and wanes… sometimes so lightly one must deliberately seek out the stream as it calmly runs its endless course. Then other times, the waves are cyclonic, like tidal waves pushing you over, making it impossible to stand, much less breathe. If we’re lucky enough to have someone who not only cares, but actually understands, there’s few words to communicate how grateful we are for their concern. Yet there is no way to fix us. Many times, just sitting with us without pressuring us to talk will help, but it never “fixes”. There is no immediate ‘fix’.

There are medications, which take four-to-six weeks to kick in, yet when in the depth of severe depression, 60 seconds are torture. All that matters is now, escaping the pain right now. Despite having faith and knowing God performs miracles and He can remove the bitterness, pain, resentment… nothing less than agony, the depression takes over and none of that matters. You would give anything for relief.

Sometimes, when you hurt that deeply, there appears to be only two options: temporarily escaping or permanently escaping, also known as suicide. People say suicide is selfish because of the people you leave behind who suffer. With the exception of children, if someone truly loves you, they shouldn’t want you to be in such pain anymore, and should understand your desire to leave this earth. Their lives go on, they don’t deal with the constant torture that you have welling up inside of you.

Temporary relief includes drugs, alcohol, and a variety of addictions. But they never last. They are substitutes to appease loved ones into avoiding committing suicide, but you wake up and you feel worse than you did when you started. And if someone finds you, now you have to live with the stigma of being ‘a crazy person’. It’s a no-win situation.

Me, I’ve been on all parts of the spectrum: attempts at temporary relief, suicide attempts, reaching out for help, hospitalizations and everything in between. Obviously, I am still here. I will never attempt suicide again because God has shown me it is on HIS time, not mine. He won’t let me come home until He is ready for me, so my attempting to thwart His plan is an all around foolish idea. I am stuck here.

Some days are better than others, especially recently since I started seeing a new psychiatrist and psychologist. I still don’t want to be here, but that is not my choice. It is God’s choice. And as long as I am here, I will do what I can to glorify Him through my honesty and transparence in hopes I can help others who suffer from mental illness.