Suicide Ends and Continues

Blogging about Suicide

Between writing, blogging, promoting and organizing, I never look through Facebook anymore. I am in this writing groove and have learned how to market my work, so I turn my phone on silent now to avoid distractions.

I wanted to share something MAJOR- When my mom triggered me into suicidal thoughts, I was telling Jen I am mad at God because He won't let me come home, and quoted all these scriptures where He says He is not like my earthly parents, when I listed ways He is. I put my Bible on the shelf because He (like mom) won't talk to me face to face, so I wasn't going to read the Bible anymore. I studied suicide in Grad school. I have to take professional courses on suicide prevention yearly to maintain my counseling license because suicide is so common. It makes me so mad 14 year old kids commit suicide. I have tried so many times and failed. I give up trying. Jen said the PERFECT response: "God is NOT like your relatives. God won't let you commit suicide because you make the world a better place, where your relatives don't care if you die". She got me.

Christians and Suicide

For people who question my faith when I get depressed, Isaac was one of my top 3 favorite pastors. My friends from Bible Study told me I wasn't trusting God when I was suicidal. Isaac was their pastor, too. The "church" thinks prayer can fix anything, so many of us suffer in silence. On Thanksgiving, I was feeling suicidal and called the only member of my relatives I had contact with. The person who accepted Jesus with me in 1983, and got Baptized in the same water as me. Out of despair and hopelessness, I asked if he would miss me if I died. He yelled at me for making him miss his daughter's reaction to Santa on TV. Then he asked if I was going to church. The ultimate sting was when He asked if I am a Christian.  No wonder Christians commit suicide. Either they keep their mental illness hidden, or members of the "church" push them over the cliff. If you are suicidal, be very cautious with who you tell. My relatives are all dead to me now. I worship Jesus, not "the church". I have a chemical imbalance, not a lack of faith.

Suicide Aftermath

Today is the anniversary of a friend's suicide. I understand the pain he must've felt. I'm jealous he is no longer in pain. I'm sure many people are missing him today, but otherwise, his family has adjusted to life without him... and he is at peace. I have no family, but I do have friends who would be heartbroken.

My closest friends would understand. 

I miss you, Isaac. Glad you found peace finally. I'm jealous you are in heaven and I am stuck in this world. Hopefully, not too much longer.

A text from my close friend-

Why I Don't Like Suicidal Hotlines

Yesterday, I woke up feeling the depression had slightly lifted. Knowing depression can hit you at anytime, I didn't tell people because I don't want them thinking I am all better, placing social expectations on me.

I texted a few close friends who know my cycle, and told them details, including my Thanksgiving suicide attempt. They said they had no idea I was so depressed and they would have hospitalized me. My response, "That's why I only told (my best friend)!".

Depressed individuals need someone they fully trust. I completely trust this friend and tell her EVERY THOUGHT... every plan. And by being able to share my darkest days, she has saved my life, rather GOD has used her as a vessel to save my life.

Listen, coming from a fellow psychotherapist and clinically depressed individual, I tell people BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT TELLING PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL. The average person just wants you safe, so, with good intentions, they drop you off at a mental hospital, thinking professionals will help. Those professionals pump you with drugs, watch you for 2 weeks, and for me, that started my Xanax addiction.

In conclusion, I cringe when people tell suicidal people to speak out for help. It's not that easy. You need discernment.

Imagine a child victim of incest "reaching out" to an unknown child molester.
Or a drug addict "reaching out" to an unknown drug dealer.

No. Sometimes, it's best not reaching out for help.

Hope Returns

So sorry to have confused everyone. I made the mistake of listening to mom telling me how vile I am and was in an extremely dark place. I was told no one likes me and I am crazy. Yesterday, I hung out with a new friend and had the BEST time! My mom is wrong. I am a good,  likeable person. After all, I was created in the image of Christ, who died for me. I must be worthwhile. The enemy wants me to isolate and even kill myself, convincing me no one would care. Even if that were true, God created me for a reason. And I haven't completed my purpose.

My new friend is amazing. I told her how I sabotage friendships and hurt people to hide in a corner like a little girl, and it would be best if we did not hang out. She is a strong Christian and refused to take that as an answer. So reluctantly,  I agreed to go to her home to watch the FSU game. It was wonderful. So engaging discussing FSU football with her and her husband. Then she showed me her backyard. PARADISE! A WRITER'S DREAM! We actually went kayaking! And we laughed. And we talked. And on my way home, my shattered heart was filled with hope.

Hope I CAN let go of the past. As my friend reminded me, I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Blessings of Mental Illnesses

My 8:30am discussion lasted nearly 2 hours, yet I am still tingling. I am Spiritually spent...I need a cigarette.

I slept the rest of the day. This weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!

Basically, we talked about my depression, and even my recent suicidal thoughts. I told her I see my clinical depression as an indicator of my deep desire to go to heaven and be with Jesus. We discussed Mandissa, Plumb, and other Christian singers who suffer from deep depression and anxiety. Then, my friend shared something that showed me... she truly understood. A wave of relief, comfort and love washed over me. FINALLY! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD I WANT TO GO HOME! When I was able to compose myself to speak, I said I felt so validated as a Christian... my faith wasn't being questioned because of my mental illnesses, instead, I realized the importance of fellowship with other Christians who UNDERSTAND. She said THIS is why I must write about it to show other Christians depression and suicidal thoughts are not flaws in faith. There's no need to feel guilty for not trusting God more. Instead, use the feelings of despair to crawl to Him on your knees. He's always waiting... and I am never a burden.

I NEVER Learn

BAM! Mother got me AGAIN! I NEVER LEARN! I'm fine. Jireh got me laughing, so I tried calling Cathy, then Jen - who let me vent... and we realized how awesome God's plan is once again. If I didn't have mental illnesses, I never would've went in the psychiatric hospital 3 times right after I got Jireh, and Jen wouldn't have kept Jireh for 3 months when she was a puppy. God used Jen as a vessel to shape Jireh's personality. Also, Jen went on to train her Golden to be a therapy dog after meeting me. She has been working with people with disabilities ever since... Jen and I went our separate ways friendship-wise. We only talk about Jireh. I called today to thank her again for Jireh and told her no matter how bad life gets, I will never take my life AS LONG AS Jireh is alive and well. And I realized our friendship went separate ways because I needed to rely more on God than Jen... Wow.

Depression Cycles

I have been in another depression since I found out my plans are not meant to be. Now I'm to the point where I don't tell people how bad I feel or the thoughts I'm thinking. I journal, pray, and take it one day at a time. Saturday, I took Jireh to the beach, and we had a great time! But within 3 hours of being home, reality smacked me down big time.

Anyway, I found this blog entry from five years ago and thought I'd share. I moved far away from Jen and Rob... I rarely see them. My life is MUCH better now as I live in my favorite city. Yet the depression still drops in from time to time...
----

I feel better!

After a week of having hopeless, desperate thoughts, I got up, took my dog (Jireh) for a long walk, and chased squirrels with Jireh. (Don’t worry, I won’t let her catch the poor squirrels, we just chase them.)

Last night, a friend came and ran Jireh after she had been at my bedside practically all week. I had even sent Jen this picture earlier in the day of Jireh lying on my hip, looking so pitiful. I felt so sad. I told Jen, “Jireh knows I want to die… and she doesn’t know how to help.” Jen told me to tell Jireh she feels the same way. Rob kept asking what he could do. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I COULD DO, so I had no idea how anyone could help. There was no money for me to go back and see if the new medication was the culprit. And so a week went by, Jen and Teresa sat with me one night in attempts to help, Rob emailed concern…. I wrote, a lot. And I thought a lot. But I slept the most. I was beginning to think this was the beginning of another bout of years of suffering. I never became suicidal, I just prayed for God to take me home.

So what changed?

Jireh went running with a friend. I saw Jireh go from my sad, helpless best friend to a happy, energetic dog who was ecstatic to see me when she got home. She wagged and wagged and gave me high-fives and loved me. That made me happy. Jireh had a respite from being by my side to being a playful dog. And then she came home to me.

And it got me thinking…

Life isn’t about being a priority in anyone’s life. When I go in my dark places, I tell myself no one would miss me, and Addy & Jireh would be happier with a non-depressed owner. I am realizing social relationships aren’t that black and white.

Rob told me every time Jireh gets closer to home, she runs faster as if she can’t wait to get to me. Jen tells me when she drives Jireh home, Jireh gets excited when they pull into my neighborhood. Yes, Jireh has fun away from me, her life is exciting when I’m not around, but ultimately, she loves coming home to me, sharing her day with me. She would be fine if I wasn’t in her life, but a huge part would be missing: Me.

People are replaceable. I could find someone to replace Jen – someone who helps me grocery shop and with laundry and endless dark conversations. I could survive without Jen in my life. But it would be lacking, lacking the priceless gift that only Jen can provide. The laughs and jokes and tears and, well, friendship. We have a connection that greatly adds to the quality of my life.

If I wasn’t here, I would take that gift from my pets, friends, and all those who lives I impact.

So if you are depressed and feeling people would be better off without you, or if you think people would get on with their life after you are gone… you may or may not be correct. But don’t you see – you’ll be taking away a piece of their quality of life. We all add to each other’s experiences, and your absense would create a missing link making the experience incomplete!

I know, when you’re in the depths of despair, none of this matters. But take it from me… YOU matter. You have to fight. You have to be the piece in puzzles that complete lives. Hang on. I won’t lie to you. Life sucks. But it can get better over night. YOU HAVE TO HANG ON!

Great Article on Suicide

See link here
This is so true. The thoughts of suicide never goes away. Identify your triggers and take care of yourself... prepare like a hurricane is approaching.

Suicide

Another lost to suicide 😭. When will people learn depression is REAL and you can't just snap out of it? When will people learn when you are depressed, the people who call you weak and less of a Christian push you further over the edge? Multiple people in the Bible were suicidal. Suicide IS NOT selfish for the depressed person... the selfishness comes from so called "friends" who expect you to "just pray" without regarding the excruciating pain and torture you are in.

Artists and intellectuals are at greater risk of committing suicide because they go in the deep places of the mind others close off.

When will we take suicide seriously?

Great Blog

Just found a great blog on suicide and mental illness here.