Christian Spirituality

I read an article on "Spiritual but not Religious" that fascinated me. After spending my life attending church, having others tell me their interpretation of God's Word, I now prefer to read it myself and let the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. Maybe that's why I gladly spend an average of four hours per day studying the Bible. Maybe that's why I chose to be a hermit. I feel Jesus with me when I am alone, as opposed to when I am socializing... after long periods with other people, I miss Him. The world comes between us, and I am unable to hear from Him and write for Him.

Since my dad died 2 months ago, I keep getting kicked down again and again. I became SEVERELY DEPRESSED again, and had to stay off social media along with turning my phone off. Retreating is where I find peace.

Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing how thankful we are to be able to understand one another's perceptions. We are both at the same level of Spiritual maturity after infinite hours of Quiet Time. She walks along with me because she has been through the journey  (which continues until we go to heaven) of a personal relationship with Christ.

The way I explained it to her is driving to Atlanta (which is where she was heading when we talked). I cannot expect to be as far as she was by getting on the road after she has been driving 6 hours. No, I have to take the time to follow the same path in which she has already invested. When you reach that level of spiritual maturity where a friend "gets it", it is priceless.

So I guess, to me... religion equals set rules and rituals, which are the building blocks of spirituality. Once I followed the rules and rituals, I was able to discern what was coming from my Heavenly Father versus what was coming from the world.

And for that, I am thankful.

Happily Ever After in Isolation

Don't let anyone tell you "you need to get out more", because some of us just weren't wired that way. After isolating all weekend, I fought my gut feelings and went out. It set me back immensely,

The following was written after I spent several days in isolation:

I’ve moved back to the place I left my heart 20 years ago… I left tourists and Mickey Mouse and ‘the fun life’ for intellectuals, poetry readings and ambitions. Here, few people who know me are still around, allowing me to live the reclusive, isolative life I’ve longed for…AND I LOVE IT!

I can be alone with thoughts, writing, Bible and furry kids… I sleep through the night now, no longer am dependent on pills, and better control my feelings and emotions. No longer do I feel like I am living for others, or doing life as society expects… I live authentically. I no longer settle. Instead of seeking to escape my reality, I embrace my reality. I am thankful for the small things and trust God for my needs. He shows up in undeniable ways now that I am still and quiet. I am in the world but not of the world.

And while my faith is stronger than ever, I no longer attend church. I’ve experienced abuse in the church, the idolization of clergy rather than worshipping God. My practice now is to spend an average of 3-4 hours per day in the Word. No distractions from man, just me leaning on the Holy Spirit to speak the Truth to me. 

Basically, I am closer to God than ever before, yet do not attend church. And I feel more complete living in isolation than I did surrounded by friends.

I am happier than ever. Happily ever AFTER!

What I Do All Day

Most mornings, I wake up with severe anxiety after several nightmares due to PTSD. Fortunately, I no longer suffer from seizures and night terrors like I did for 4 years following Benzodiazepines withdrawals. As I write this at 8:30 am, I am having my usual chest pain, but my anxiety has lowered after Bible study. More specifically, after time with Jesus.

I don't like leaving my home because of agoraphobia. The most peaceful time of my day is after I pick up Jireh's poop every morning. Since I only go outside as little as possible, I walk the field to pick up everything she did the day before.

And I want Jireh to interact with others, so I try weekly to take her to Michael's and FSU. Throughout the day, I play with Addy and Jireh inside.

My favorite activity is studying the Bible, praying and worship because at those times, it is well with my soul.

I'm in the process of writing several books and looking for freelance writing column jobs since my income was recently cut by 20% - hence, my anxiety.

And I am in bed by 7pm. I want to SLEEP because that is the one time my anxiety isn't at the back of my mind.

So for those who feel sorry for my isolation and want me to get out more
... I am good, in my temporary home.

World Mental Health Day

I lost my 2 closest friends when my dad died... pushed them both away. The 2 people I talked to daily... we have stopped talking. Let me just say YOU NEVER DEFEND MY RELATIVE'S ACTIONS!

Mental illness sucks. It truly alters your thoughts and reactions. I am guarded again  only around people for Jireh. That girl is the only thing that gets me out of bed. After my  girl's weekend, I am making no plans until after the holidays. The dreaded holidays.