Happily Ever After in Isolation

Don't let anyone tell you "you need to get out more", because some of us just weren't wired that way. After isolating all weekend, I fought my gut feelings and went out. It set me back immensely,

The following was written after I spent several days in isolation:

I’ve moved back to the place I left my heart 20 years ago… I left tourists and Mickey Mouse and ‘the fun life’ for intellectuals, poetry readings and ambitions. Here, few people who know me are still around, allowing me to live the reclusive, isolative life I’ve longed for…AND I LOVE IT!

I can be alone with thoughts, writing, Bible and furry kids… I sleep through the night now, no longer am dependent on pills, and better control my feelings and emotions. No longer do I feel like I am living for others, or doing life as society expects… I live authentically. I no longer settle. Instead of seeking to escape my reality, I embrace my reality. I am thankful for the small things and trust God for my needs. He shows up in undeniable ways now that I am still and quiet. I am in the world but not of the world.

And while my faith is stronger than ever, I no longer attend church. I’ve experienced abuse in the church, the idolization of clergy rather than worshipping God. My practice now is to spend an average of 3-4 hours per day in the Word. No distractions from man, just me leaning on the Holy Spirit to speak the Truth to me. 

Basically, I am closer to God than ever before, yet do not attend church. And I feel more complete living in isolation than I did surrounded by friends.

I am happier than ever. Happily ever AFTER!

Friends for a Loner

So excited about a Girl's Weekend coming later in the month!

I often say I don't have many close friends... I do have friends who share specific interests. An upcoming weekend would be boring to most... but it is PERFECT for me!

My friend, Karen and I both have the Holy Spirit speak to us through Scripture  (and life), and both of us are writers. So we are shutting ourselves in a cottage together with no distractions, except Christian music. Sounds so BORING, yet it is a DREAM GETAWAY for me!

Isn't it cool we all have different friends for different interests? Sue and I are silly, laughing, joking, doing my hair. I have my Turtle Friend, Michele, writer friends who go to weekend poetry readings, Jennifer who loves goldens, my friend, Brian and I talk about philosophy and Existentialism, Dr. Gorman and I discuss neurobiology... I love it!

We are texting each other as I write this, planning like little girls going to a sleepover.

"We can write ideas and revelations from Jesus.  Maybe even an hour or two of writing per day to get us in the habit?"

And:

"I need to get away!! I'm sooooo looking forward to this time w you and the Lord!! We can eat simply and have more time for praise Prayer and worship.".

I am so excited! Maybe I am not a complete loner afterall.

Living Proof

My reality.

Heart Stuff

Emotional Rant-
Life goes on, right? My best guy friend was supposed to come up this past weekend, but he has acquired new responsibilities and I didn't hear from him until yesterday when I texted where was he. We finally talked, and after much heartbreak, we agreed it was time to end our friendship. Yes, the same guy who promised to be there when Jireh died just 3 days prior. I don't blame him. I see this as part of God's plan. One day, I will understand but right now... it really, really hurts. I have been praying about going back to BSF, and I feel God telling me no. It's strange to think I am not supposed to go to a Bible Study, meeting other Christians, yet He keeps giving me reasons not to go- He wants my writing about Him a priority; my health problems limit how long I can be away from home; the thought of filling out "emergency contact" and hearing about other's talk about their families; and my desire to interpret Scripture through the Holy Spirit.

His answer becomes clearer every time I pray. I am scared. The guy friend was my main support. I wanted to meet other people to help if I get in trouble, especially with holidays coming. I miss his company.

And I think maybe that is part of the reason we parted... I am finally strong enough in my faith and far enough in my Spiritual walk to know God wants to be all of this and more for me.

Most of you will likely pity me... please don't. I am so honored God created me to have such a personal relationship with Him that I feel His presence and trust Him. And I know my relationship with Jesus will never end.

Hurricane

So the hurricane is coming right towards Tallahassee, and one of the FEW bad things about Tallahassee is the power goes out easily and stays out for weeks. I have serious respiratory problems. Plus, the joys of menopausal hot flashes.

Needless to say, I am highly concerned. I know beggers can't be choosers. I know I could go to a shelter or nursing home. I am dead serious when I say I would end up in jail or psych ward. The other day when Jireh was sick and I was waiting at the pharmacy, I yelled in the phone with 20 people around, "You are making me mad and I am about to go postal!"

Luckily, I saw everybody look at me and had the sense of mind to calm down. There was a reason I was on Xanax. There was a reason I moved to Tallahassee and am so happy. I truly DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE. I have had enough of people in my lifetime, but God commands us to fellowship, and so I write. I Facebook. I Amazon. I avoid strangers. That is how I lived in my car. I won't lose water so I can read in my tub of cold water and put ice water on Ji.

Update

Been doing a lot of processing, coming up with new story plots and writing poetry. Definitely in a deep clinical depression, yet there is no one I would want to leave Addy and Jireh to. And so I sleep a lot, read the Bible, and contemplate my place in this world. Sadly, I don't think I have a place in this world,  at least not society.

There's a society in my mind where things are fair, God is revered and people are loving.  Whose to say this 48 year old can't go back to her world of pretend?

To be honest, the world in my head is closer to reality than the world I have been living in! I've seen a few people's true colors this past summer, and they are not who I thought they were. I've been living in the bubble of denial.

Having mental illness is bad enough, but expecting people to understand illnesses that differ from one person to the next is beyond practical. I have work to do... work educating people on mental illnesses. Work explaining depression doesn't impact one's level of faith if they claim to be a Christian.

And a couple other books and articles. I need to be with other writers and people with mental illnesses. Online! Thank goodness, I can do all this online... but I am here, behind my keyboard, making residence in my head.

People Come and Go

Article on Sinead O'Connor here.

I feel for her. I truly do. People don't handle mental illness the way you think they should because they can't read your mind (trust me... you don't want to read my mind!). I tell myself what a burden I am and my relatives are right... I think I lost another close friend. So I decided 2 hours ago to know people are just passing through at this moment and keep everything on the surface. Then, I reached out to 3 local friends, and am making plans for the beach, a literature reading, and writing at Starbucks. They are in my life right now. And if I just have Addy and Jireh for Christmas,  that's okay.