Thankful for my Friends

See video... Thankful for my Friends https://youtu.be/Kflr3Hq1BLY

Good Company

My Crohn’s Disease has me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Thankful I get to stay home and work. The car tire I waited until I got my SSDI to buy turned into hearing the $60 bill turned into $175, needing two tires. AND my other two tires are so old, the rubber can separate any time, thus I was instructed not to drive until I get 2 more tires. Yet, it is miraculous my tires did not blow out when driving 80 mph on my recent road trip. My AC needs coolant yet I am safe in my own place. There are a few other serious problems going on that appear catastrophic, needing urgent attention.

Depression and anxiety should be on full throttle. I admit, for a few hours, I was freaking out.

Then I went to Jesus in prayer. He showed me (again!) how perspective is everything. Enjoying God's presence instead of focusing on my current circumstances has me writing and studying Scripture has me at peace. I read my friend's blog about how she was having such a bad day, until she realized God is walking with her, showing His love, mercy and grace. She quotes several verses which turn her heart to focus on the eternal. Jessie at www.thehopefilledlife.blogspot.com is such encouragement to me as she finds joy even in the hard times because she has Jesus with her wherever she goes. She admits to her frustrations, yet like David writes in Psalms, her sorrow always turns to joy as she connects with Him. I love being around her because she overflows with the love and character of Jesus. It's so refreshing to be around her! My friend, Karen, is the same way.  Karen and I have a contest over who has the most debilitating medical issues. She has serious hidden health conditions, yet she tells me she feels inadequate to write a book on faith because she doesn’t have significant problems. Um, yes she does but because she is indwelt by the Spirit of Jesus, she is so grateful to have His presence in her life.

I love hanging out with positive people, like Jesse and Karen, because they show me how irrelevant my problems are in the scheme of things. Most of all, I love spending entire days having quiet times with Jesus. I mean, come on! How can I be discouraged when I get to spend the day with my Savior?

Originally posted here
http://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/04/good-company/

Stars, Family, and a Tire

Jesus has me crying! He loves me sooo much, He brought me home safely. This morning, I went to check my car to see if I had any cash to pay a $27 bill due in 2 weeks. It seems my electric company AND PayPal made multiple charges "by accident" *Karen is my witness... it was NOT my fault. PayPal is reimbursing my bank, but the electric company said they could only credit my electric account. So my balance is under $500 and my $745 rent check hasn't posted yet. I cancelled everything so I will only have one overdraft fee. THE DEVIL AIN'T GONNA STEAL MY JOY! So I find EXACTLY $27 cash to pay my bill. *You tell me that's not God!!! I also found a flat tire with an inch hole in it. GOD PROTECTED ME FROM A TIRE BLOW OUT ON THE ROAD! I WAS GOING 85 MPH YESTERDAY! See, God AIN'T letting me go to heaven until it's HIS timing.

I called roadside assistance, and Sue... (I don't know about car stuff... my daddy took care of my car). Even though Sue and Jim are on vacation, they dropped everything to take care of me like family. They told the mechanic what to do, Sue offered to pay him, but he refused to charge me. Sue and I prayed over the phone, both of us crying, thanking Jesus. I can imagine my Heavenly Father with my daddy smiling down at Sue and Jim.

Oh, I told the mechanic I just got home from meeting Reba. He thought that was cool. I said, "Sunday, I met a Country star, and today, I met you... a Rock star.".

Christmas Survival

Thanks for all the encouragement in getting through Christmas! Spent 3 hours with Cathy, and had just enough alcohol to make me sleep the rest of the day. Each year will get easier. Merry Christmas - I am so thankful for my friends. The best part- I was a little drunk so Cathy ran Jireh to wear her out, then covered me up with a blanket when she left.

I have only been that drunk once before. Okay,  twice. I don't like it. I like the sleeping part, especially without Xanax. But I don't like being drunk. I knew I was safe with Cathy. Not the most Christian way to celebrate Christmas, still, thankful I did it without pills or suicidal thoughts.

I hope my transparency with mental illness over the years has helped people understand it is neurochemical and not a sign of weakness. Thankfully, I have true friends who support me, and so I will keep sharing my journey. I could never do this life without Christ.

Godly Friends

Think about this... wow. Gives me chills. I am so thankful for Cathy and Karen, who walk the path, His path, with me... and understand me...and KNOW Him, the way that I know Him. And love Him, the way that I love Him. And experience and interact with Him, here and now... reading His Word as a spring of living water refreshing the soul.

Truly, "to live is Christ, and to die is gain".

Liking Myself Brings Peace

Ten solid hours of sleep with NO medicine. I got a lavender scented beads eye mask with my diffuser filled with lavender oil. Storms all around me, yet such refreshing peace. Liking myself means so much more than worrying about who likes me. Having a few close friends who love me for me is priceless. Busy day ahead. I am ready.

The Truth Hurts

When people - my closest friends- don't actually reach out to me when I post something that triggers my PTSD, that tells me a- you are too busy with your own life, and while you care, you have other priorities right now, or b. you don't know what to say, so you'll just pray about it. Both cases tell me our closeness has run it's course. When I didn't hear back from people, I texted them on the phone. And I saw who was still by my side by who responded. Cathy is going through something now and we just FaceTime, sometimes with 10 minutes of silence. Sometimes, that means MORE than anything! Just be present. If you can't make time, it’s okay. I understand life takes precedence over friends. Yet as the Phil Collins song says, "you have no right, to ask me how I feel" after being absent when I needed you most. So as All American Rejects sing, "Move Along". Let me go! Someone's niece was abducted the day we were supposed to talk... she didn’t call, and it wasn't a date set in stone so I didn’t think too much about it. THAT SAME EVENING AFTER MEETING WITH THE COPS, she called to explain why she didn't call! That shows me how she values me. That is the kind of "close friends" I want. Otherwise,  you pray for me, I will pray for you... and move along.

But after I move along, you will find your name is off the access to my life and has been replaced by a wall.

Me holding on to people who have more important things in their lives is a burden to them, and heartbreak for me.

Forgetting

Staying positive by reaching out to safe people. Holiday season is an uphill battle, as usual. But my writing retreat with my friend last month was my Christmas. We celebrated and worshipped Jesus without worldly interruptions.

In my Timeline yesterday, a photo of the book I wrote about losing a parent to cancer appeared. I had forgotten I wrote it. You would think my dad's dying from cancer would have reminded me.

My memory is so bad, I recently posted a video on Facebook and said if I am such a burden (as I have constantly been told), I understood why people walk away. Well, stupid me didn't consider not everyone watched the video. So no response to me meant the end of friendships.

IT IS ALL A MESS.

I am sorry.

Hope Returns

So sorry to have confused everyone. I made the mistake of listening to mom telling me how vile I am and was in an extremely dark place. I was told no one likes me and I am crazy. Yesterday, I hung out with a new friend and had the BEST time! My mom is wrong. I am a good,  likeable person. After all, I was created in the image of Christ, who died for me. I must be worthwhile. The enemy wants me to isolate and even kill myself, convincing me no one would care. Even if that were true, God created me for a reason. And I haven't completed my purpose.

My new friend is amazing. I told her how I sabotage friendships and hurt people to hide in a corner like a little girl, and it would be best if we did not hang out. She is a strong Christian and refused to take that as an answer. So reluctantly,  I agreed to go to her home to watch the FSU game. It was wonderful. So engaging discussing FSU football with her and her husband. Then she showed me her backyard. PARADISE! A WRITER'S DREAM! We actually went kayaking! And we laughed. And we talked. And on my way home, my shattered heart was filled with hope.

Hope I CAN let go of the past. As my friend reminded me, I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Time to Pack!

It's finally here... a much needed getaway with my dear friend. The timing could not be more perfect. I need to fellowship with her, pour over the Bible, cry, laugh, maybe even yell. All the pent up emotions need to come out, be dissected, and put on paper for the book we are writing. I need to be face down, on the floor with worship music playing, begging the Holy Spirit to renew my strength, declutter my mind, and create in me a pure heart again. I need Him to renew my hope. I need to hug my friend and feel loved and valued as she reminds me of the limitless number of Bible verses she has memorized. I need to escape this world, emptying myself of me so I can be filled with Jesus.

It's finally here.

Christmas in October

Christmas is next weekend for me because Karen and I are celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. Nothing from the outside world. We are staying in our PJ's, worship music playlists, and we each have been compiling Bible verses for each other.  Just her and me. That will be my Christmas. I get so jealous everyone has family for holidays... well, I am making next weekend my Christmas. On the actual Christmas and Thanksgiving days, I take sleeping pills to escape the holidays. Yet this way, I am celebrating the TRUE MEANING of Christmas.

Friends Means More Than Football

Getting excited about a trip my friend set up for us weekend after next... you'll never guess where...GAINESVILLE! It's the midpoint between the two of us. She told me we won't go to University of Florida. I said BECAUSE SHE WENT TO THAT SCHOOL, I WANT to go. I want a tour of all her memories. I want her to take me back to her college years so I can know her better. The University is part of her. And I love her. I want to visit what helped shaped HER.

An anchor just talked about how his alumnus, University of Miami had the greatest win of ten years last night. He didn't bash the loser, (which happened to be FSU), he merely expressed the passion for his school. As a FSU grad, I found that classy and respectful.

As for my weekend in Gainesville, I am so honored she is taking time out of her busy life just for me. Now, I have to find something to wear since 75% of my wardrobe is garnet and gold. I definitely won't be borrowing her Gator clothes. I do have limits.

It's All God

I am the queen of thank you notes. I have always written notes for every act toward me. So many have showed unending kindness, I feel words on paper is demeaning compared to the love shown me. So I have been waiting to think of a comparable action which to respond. This morning, I read Psalms 54:4 - "Surely God is my help, my Lord is the one who sustains me.".

Wow. Thanking my friends for their immerse kindness is not as intimidating when I realize God is the source of every good thing!

Palm Trees and Blanket

Remember how scared I was yesterday? I received a palm tree blanket from Gidget at 3:30. Palm trees are my reminder from God that He loves me. So I thanked Gidget, went to bed with my fresh smelling blanket and fell asleep. I woke up at 7:30, phone lit up (ringer silenced) with Gidget calling to check on me. Tried staying awake to watch Scandal, wrapped in blanket... didn't make it. Just woke up (NO MIGRAINE!) feeling great!! God ALWAYS takes care of me. Always. I get sidetracked by the world, my faith wavers, yet He always brings me back. When we belong to Him, no matter the situation, He's got us.

I'm Scared

Anxiety is really intense this morning. I'm scared. Not sure what I am scared of. Since I don't know what the source of my fear is, I don't want to leave my bed. This has happened before, where I am scared to leave my bedroom. My bedroom! I run to the bathroom and back.

My hope is this doesn't last. The thing about mental illness is you never know when symptoms will hit... or when they will go away.

I texted a few friends early this morning. One of them texted me this quote and said she will call me this afternoon.

That helped.

Friends for a Loner

So excited about a Girl's Weekend coming later in the month!

I often say I don't have many close friends... I do have friends who share specific interests. An upcoming weekend would be boring to most... but it is PERFECT for me!

My friend, Karen and I both have the Holy Spirit speak to us through Scripture  (and life), and both of us are writers. So we are shutting ourselves in a cottage together with no distractions, except Christian music. Sounds so BORING, yet it is a DREAM GETAWAY for me!

Isn't it cool we all have different friends for different interests? Sue and I are silly, laughing, joking, doing my hair. I have my Turtle Friend, Michele, writer friends who go to weekend poetry readings, Jennifer who loves goldens, my friend, Brian and I talk about philosophy and Existentialism, Dr. Gorman and I discuss neurobiology... I love it!

We are texting each other as I write this, planning like little girls going to a sleepover.

"We can write ideas and revelations from Jesus.  Maybe even an hour or two of writing per day to get us in the habit?"

And:

"I need to get away!! I'm sooooo looking forward to this time w you and the Lord!! We can eat simply and have more time for praise Prayer and worship.".

I am so excited! Maybe I am not a complete loner afterall.

The Air I Breathe

I was so afraid my power would go out in the hurricane since the eye was directed right to me. With respiratory problems, I was especially scared. But God had me... I never lost power. As Job 33:4 says, the Lord Almighty is my breath of life. With friends texting me throughout the night, praying with me while they were in the worst part of the storm, I was never alone. My God, You are the air I breathe.

True Friends

Okay. Had quality time with God. Feeling much better. I am so sorry I got irritable when people were loving on me and checking on me. Forgive me. I am learning. I have the best friends ever. Thank for understanding when I get in self-preservation mode. Last night, 3 close friends and I were in a private chat group and every time I woke up, we checked in with each other. And they were getting hit in Kissimmee!!!

I will never forget last night. I am not alone.

Job Description

Jireh goes back to the vet this morning. Watching her in such misery yesterday was excruciating. I can't bare to recount the details. My baby was sick, and I went from feeling helpless to.... well, feeling responsible. My thoughts lingered on Jireh deserves a better mom. And thoughts ran off from there. Earlier, a friend offered to Skype with me so I didn’t feel alone. After saying I didn't want to talk, my friend offered to just be there, making sure I am okay. That meant so much.

With prayers asking for focus, I was able to spend time doing Bible study. Admittedly, I had some difficulty believing. No, I take that back. I fully believe God’s Word. I am afraid of His plan.

This morning, I told Jesus I can't handle seeing my dog in such misery. I wondered how my mom handled the uncertanties of my health issues.  God took care of me. He had His own plan.

Truth is Jireh is God's dog... He is allowing me to take care of her. My job is to take care of her until The Father wants her back. I can't handle this, but it's God's job.

Taking care of me is also His job. My job is to follow Jesus. I have to get back to work.

It Hurts

Life... it hurts.

It hurts every turn I make. I'm scared to look anywhere for fear I will hurt some more. I don't know what to do.

There is a wonderful blessing that lifted my spirits a bit. My health has greatly declined, and I recently got some potentially devastating news. I worry when I die, there will be no one to take care of my Addy and Jireh. My prayers were answered when a friend texted me this morning to let me know she would keep them both together. What a relief! Knowing what a big responsibility that is, I definitely felt appreciative, loved, and understood.

I'm holding on to that to refuse to give up.