Toxic Relationships

*I am using this letter to a friend to explain my release from family drama. Just because your parents are your parents, if it is a toxic relationship, you need to let them go.

No one and nothing is worth your sanity.

By the way, there has been a lapse in my writing the past few days because of toxic relationships. By tending to toxic relationships, I have neglected the friends, work and quiet time that fulfills my quality of life.

Went to Walmart and got generic food... my fridge is full. It's beyond comforting to look in my pantry and find food. It's like a life raft. I agreed to write for a travel blog on how hotels are accommodating to people with disabilities. I need to catch up my own blogs after getting behind from crashing over the weekend. 

Relatives are calling me and I finally got to the point of being honest when they ask where I have been for 30 years. They tell me my mom always said "Shelly isn't speaking to me", so last night, I told my cousin everything. Everything. From when mom butt called me and I overheard her saying how horrible I am, to trying to commit me, to sitting there when Mikie went to punch me, to not letting me stay with my dad on his death bed. So, yes, she was right saying "Shelly isn't speaking to me". And I explained why.

And my cousin CRIED, saying she had no idea, and how have I survived? And I said I kept going back to her until New Year's Eve, when I wrote her off forever. And I have never felt freer.

I have you and wonderful people in my life. And I have never felt more loved, or healthier.

We have to let go of the past for our own sanity. And God blesses us by filling our opened heart with people who love and treat us as we deserve.

Thank you for showing me the love of Christ. I love you, and trust Jesus more than ever.

Cerebral Palsy and Kashmere Skin Care

As a woman with Cerebral Palsy, I know how difficult everyday skin care can be. I am sharing my secrets in my YouTube video  along with a discount for products. 

When I feel pretty, my outlook is pretty.

If the video link doesn't work, paste this in your browser
-  //youtu.be/Y5gRiCV0k-Y

Here is the discount code for Kashmere Kollection's.

Self-Care When Possible

Taking care of oneself is not easy when having mental health issues because you have no energy or interest. When I feel good, I like to tan because I look so much better.

As mentioned, I got a check from my publisher. I did get 2 Christmas presents for myself... I look so much better tan, and on Black Friday, this self-tanner (normally $50 plus tax and shipping), was $23! And I locked in to automatically get it monthly, so that price will stay the same every month!

I am feeling better about myself as my face and neck are tan enough to make me look healthy without foundation. Proves when you (well, I) am able to take care of myself, it helps me feel better.

Then I walked into the crowded post office where the postal workers all greeted me, asking where have I been?! When selling handmade Christmas cards, I went in there several times per week and joked with all of them. Yesterday, I realized I have made another friend as she told me she had missed me, and we started talking about meeting for drinks, her birthday, and would I come to her party? Meanwhile, Jireh was getting lots of love.

I won't change my stance on socializing. But it's nice having options. It's nice taking care of my appearance. It's nice making my apartment my own. (My sheets had holes and rips all over. I found a sale on $60 sheets for $15). My bedding is now ocean themed with dolphins, sea horses, and anchors. God is providing.

So I guess it's not "self-care", it's "God-care" because HE cares.

Liking Myself Brings Peace

Ten solid hours of sleep with NO medicine. I got a lavender scented beads eye mask with my diffuser filled with lavender oil. Storms all around me, yet such refreshing peace. Liking myself means so much more than worrying about who likes me. Having a few close friends who love me for me is priceless. Busy day ahead. I am ready.

Writing, Writing

Yes, I am still writing. Multiple sources are calling my name… I feel God asking me to use the talents and treasures He has given me to touch a variety of audiences. The new season  brings opportunities and promises for a new chapter into a bright future.

There are blogs online of me documenting my struggles with severe depression, suicidal ideations, and paralyzing anxiety. Blogs so real and transparent that I pray certain people never read them as they make me uncomfortable processing them. Some sound like I am about to put a gun to my head as soon as I stop writing the blog entry, and looking back, there were days when that idea wasn’t too foreign or outrageous, to tell the truth. My identity was molded by my mental illness, and it consumed my life starting in 2006 when I had a major job switch and my beloved kitty cat died unexpectantly. 

The past 11 years have been at minimum a seemingly insurmountable challenge to which I spent many days merely existing by staring at the ceiling, laying in bed all day. One could say I wasted my life back then, when in reality, I was saving my life. More about this later. Then there was my professional life prior to my “mental breakdown’ – yeah, that’s what it was…a mental breakdown. Life before that time was completely opposite from the depressed, anxious, agoraphobic bed-ridden body morph I transpired into… I was a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor in Private Practice… the only Med-Waiver mental health therapist in Central Florida. After hanging out my shingle, I had quite a business! I was living the dream. I was reaping the benefits of a hard earned education. Life was good, professionally. 

Personally, not so much. Now, I see I needed the forced respite from mental illnesses to discover who I truly am, and to live authentically. The Bible states “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I may learn your decrees…” … no truer words have been spoken.

I am not looking back anymore. I refuse to allow circumstances to keep me down. The past is the past. When I look in the mirror, I like who I am. I am proud of who I've become. And God isn't finished with me yet. He's the only opinion who matters, and He's okay with me...

Maybe Tomorrow

Really trying to get back to work. I lost my entire childhood family last week so there is a situational depression going on, along with rediscovering myself without outside influence. I am running the gamut of mental illness from self-injury to addiction relapse. I want to get back into the therapist role as I work on my psychology textbook manuscript, but have been verbally vomiting into my Smashbook. Tomorrow is another day.I am
Take care and love (my new tagline)

Wave Bye to Wavering

Do you ever waver between having certain relationships in your life? I confess I have spent most of my life doing this with dysfunctional relatives.

I keep laughing at my friend, Cathy. Yesterday was an annual customer event at her job, so she had a super busy day. I called her crying so hard after hanging up from the most painful phone call of my life. I said, "No matter what I do, they will make me the bad guy.. ". Cathy was tired and angry and had NO FILTER as she yelled, "WHO CARES WHAT YOUR RELATIVES SAY? THEY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY!!!"
I cracked up laughing so hard! She was too tired to sugar coat anything. And she pointed out the obvious - none of my relatives have liked me since I went to college. Why was I so surprised at the phone call? I love Cathy. And another friend always says she feels like she's banging her head against the wall every time I call her crying about my relatives hurting me.
I have decided the word "wavering" is now one of my favorite words. The next time I am wavering, I AM WAVING THE NEGATIVE GOODBYE! NO MORE WAVERING - LET IT GO!