Blessings Can Hurt

Full panic mode. Everything is coming together for me to get a Golden puppy before Christmas. I don't want to commit to living another 14 years. 

Since 1995, I have been responsible for at least one pet. I have deeply loved each and every one of them. 

They have kept me going through several suicidal phases because they needed me. No one person depends on me for survival. I've fought to survive so I could give them the best quality of life possible.

Currently, my kitty cat is eleven and my service dog is 7 1/2. My service dog accompanies me EVERYWHERE since I need her when I fall or have severe anxiety. My bond with her is beyond description. I truly forget she is a dog. She's my best friend, protector, and companion. By my calculations, she and my cat should pass away about the same time, and I am convinced I will die from a broken heart. When in a depression, I tell myself once they go to heaven, I can stay in bed until I die.

Since I have been feeling better, I started looking for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. 

A friend just sent me a breeder located in my childhood home town. Someone must know SOMEONE connected with this agency who can help me get a puppy. I don't just "want" a puppy, I NEED one to keep my independence and train before Jireh retires. 

I just called the the breeder/owner ... what a lovely lady! She knows other breeders who are having litters of Goldens, too. I asked her a few questions, such as testing hips, eyes, and how many litters they allow a female to have... she knows her stuff. She truly cares for the dogs. It seems the average cost of a puppy is $1800. Sounds like a lot until I consider the quality of life the puppy will bring me. I could do a GoFund me page. 

Everything is falling into place. My life is drastically improving while toxins are falling at the waste side. It's humbling. It's exciting. And it's scary. And it hurts. 

I know from experience God won't let me go to heaven before He is ready for me. All indications is that won't be for a long time.

PLEASE PRAY THIS BE GOD'S WILL.

My Jireh - (from previous blog)

Shared with my friend telling him I pray all the time I die before Jireh because I will go mentally insane without her. Looking at this picture, he said, "You know dogs were on earth with Jesus. Think about Jesus petting dogs... "
I said, "I bet Noah knew how special dogs are and decided to name them God backwards... Dog. And I bet when Jesus sees Jireh, He will hug her and say, "Good job taking care of My Shelly..."

Job Description

Jireh goes back to the vet this morning. Watching her in such misery yesterday was excruciating. I can't bare to recount the details. My baby was sick, and I went from feeling helpless to.... well, feeling responsible. My thoughts lingered on Jireh deserves a better mom. And thoughts ran off from there. Earlier, a friend offered to Skype with me so I didn’t feel alone. After saying I didn't want to talk, my friend offered to just be there, making sure I am okay. That meant so much.

With prayers asking for focus, I was able to spend time doing Bible study. Admittedly, I had some difficulty believing. No, I take that back. I fully believe God’s Word. I am afraid of His plan.

This morning, I told Jesus I can't handle seeing my dog in such misery. I wondered how my mom handled the uncertanties of my health issues.  God took care of me. He had His own plan.

Truth is Jireh is God's dog... He is allowing me to take care of her. My job is to take care of her until The Father wants her back. I can't handle this, but it's God's job.

Taking care of me is also His job. My job is to follow Jesus. I have to get back to work.

Numb

Jireh was up all night scratching. I put Addy's hot spot meds on her, praying it's okay for dogs. The ingredients matched. Now she's getting a rash on top of her head. I will take her to the vet when I get paid tomorrow. I am numb.

It's Happening Again

Jireh finished her antibiotics but she is still itching. I just found this. Please pray Jireh heals soon...

Missing in Action

I know, I know... I haven't blogged... my life is (as everyone else's) filled with ups and downs. Normally, I can focus on God with unwavering faith... but this month GOT ME! The final straw was my best friend/assistance dog developed a nasty skin AND ear infection that made her miserable.

When my babies are sick, I go into BASIC SURVIVAL MODE.

Many kudos to mothers of two legged babies. My heart could not handle it.

Yesterday, Jireh started feeling better..So I told God how I need Him to give me the strength to persevere because I truly am in survival mode since Jireh has been sick... I read James how to consider it pure joy when we face trials... trials lead to perseverance to finish the work He created us to do. I prayed and journal.. got up to get a drink. Jireh was sleeping... she got up, AND BROUGHT ME HER BALL! She led me outside TO PLAY CATCH! SHE'S FEELING BETTER! Thank you, Lord.

So I will be catching up on writing, mainly on paper,  but on this blog as well. I also am interested in reading others blogs, so please leave me a comment if you have a blog I can link on my page.

Thank you.

It Hurts

Life... it hurts.

It hurts every turn I make. I'm scared to look anywhere for fear I will hurt some more. I don't know what to do.

There is a wonderful blessing that lifted my spirits a bit. My health has greatly declined, and I recently got some potentially devastating news. I worry when I die, there will be no one to take care of my Addy and Jireh. My prayers were answered when a friend texted me this morning to let me know she would keep them both together. What a relief! Knowing what a big responsibility that is, I definitely felt appreciative, loved, and understood.

I'm holding on to that to refuse to give up.

Favorite Picture of Jireh

One of my all time favorites.

Love

Took Jireh to FSU Puppy Event.