The Truth Hurts

When people - my closest friends- don't actually reach out to me when I post something that triggers my PTSD, that tells me a- you are too busy with your own life, and while you care, you have other priorities right now, or b. you don't know what to say, so you'll just pray about it. Both cases tell me our closeness has run it's course. When I didn't hear back from people, I texted them on the phone. And I saw who was still by my side by who responded. Cathy is going through something now and we just FaceTime, sometimes with 10 minutes of silence. Sometimes, that means MORE than anything! Just be present. If you can't make time, it’s okay. I understand life takes precedence over friends. Yet as the Phil Collins song says, "you have no right, to ask me how I feel" after being absent when I needed you most. So as All American Rejects sing, "Move Along". Let me go! Someone's niece was abducted the day we were supposed to talk... she didn’t call, and it wasn't a date set in stone so I didn’t think too much about it. THAT SAME EVENING AFTER MEETING WITH THE COPS, she called to explain why she didn't call! That shows me how she values me. That is the kind of "close friends" I want. Otherwise,  you pray for me, I will pray for you... and move along.

But after I move along, you will find your name is off the access to my life and has been replaced by a wall.

Me holding on to people who have more important things in their lives is a burden to them, and heartbreak for me.

Friends for a Loner

So excited about a Girl's Weekend coming later in the month!

I often say I don't have many close friends... I do have friends who share specific interests. An upcoming weekend would be boring to most... but it is PERFECT for me!

My friend, Karen and I both have the Holy Spirit speak to us through Scripture  (and life), and both of us are writers. So we are shutting ourselves in a cottage together with no distractions, except Christian music. Sounds so BORING, yet it is a DREAM GETAWAY for me!

Isn't it cool we all have different friends for different interests? Sue and I are silly, laughing, joking, doing my hair. I have my Turtle Friend, Michele, writer friends who go to weekend poetry readings, Jennifer who loves goldens, my friend, Brian and I talk about philosophy and Existentialism, Dr. Gorman and I discuss neurobiology... I love it!

We are texting each other as I write this, planning like little girls going to a sleepover.

"We can write ideas and revelations from Jesus.  Maybe even an hour or two of writing per day to get us in the habit?"

And:

"I need to get away!! I'm sooooo looking forward to this time w you and the Lord!! We can eat simply and have more time for praise Prayer and worship.".

I am so excited! Maybe I am not a complete loner afterall.

Heart Stuff

Emotional Rant-
Life goes on, right? My best guy friend was supposed to come up this past weekend, but he has acquired new responsibilities and I didn't hear from him until yesterday when I texted where was he. We finally talked, and after much heartbreak, we agreed it was time to end our friendship. Yes, the same guy who promised to be there when Jireh died just 3 days prior. I don't blame him. I see this as part of God's plan. One day, I will understand but right now... it really, really hurts. I have been praying about going back to BSF, and I feel God telling me no. It's strange to think I am not supposed to go to a Bible Study, meeting other Christians, yet He keeps giving me reasons not to go- He wants my writing about Him a priority; my health problems limit how long I can be away from home; the thought of filling out "emergency contact" and hearing about other's talk about their families; and my desire to interpret Scripture through the Holy Spirit.

His answer becomes clearer every time I pray. I am scared. The guy friend was my main support. I wanted to meet other people to help if I get in trouble, especially with holidays coming. I miss his company.

And I think maybe that is part of the reason we parted... I am finally strong enough in my faith and far enough in my Spiritual walk to know God wants to be all of this and more for me.

Most of you will likely pity me... please don't. I am so honored God created me to have such a personal relationship with Him that I feel His presence and trust Him. And I know my relationship with Jesus will never end.

Hurricane

So the hurricane is coming right towards Tallahassee, and one of the FEW bad things about Tallahassee is the power goes out easily and stays out for weeks. I have serious respiratory problems. Plus, the joys of menopausal hot flashes.

Needless to say, I am highly concerned. I know beggers can't be choosers. I know I could go to a shelter or nursing home. I am dead serious when I say I would end up in jail or psych ward. The other day when Jireh was sick and I was waiting at the pharmacy, I yelled in the phone with 20 people around, "You are making me mad and I am about to go postal!"

Luckily, I saw everybody look at me and had the sense of mind to calm down. There was a reason I was on Xanax. There was a reason I moved to Tallahassee and am so happy. I truly DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE. I have had enough of people in my lifetime, but God commands us to fellowship, and so I write. I Facebook. I Amazon. I avoid strangers. That is how I lived in my car. I won't lose water so I can read in my tub of cold water and put ice water on Ji.