We are All Human

Those of you who have followed me know I have a long history of sexual abuse dating (no pun) back to the age of 6. People with disabilities are more vulnerable to abuse since they often require personal assistance to change clothes, use the restroom, etc. Plus, being socially segregated from non-disabled individuals doesn't always allow for natural interpersonal development. When I was a high school counselor for students with physical disabilities, the teens claimed to have boyfriends, who, in most cases, didn't even know the student... much like elementary school children. On top of all this, individuals with disabilities experience so much touching through physical therapy, we don't know what parts of our body are "off limits".

Then you add factors such as being unable to speak and cognitive impairments... we are undoubtedly perfect victims for abuse. At age forty eight, I still question what is appropriate in relationships, and so I isolate. Some people are in abusive relationships because they believe they can't get anyone else. And sadly, some must stay with abusers out of financial and/or physical necessity. During my twenties, I settled for a lot of abuse thinking "if he can overlook my disabilities, I can overlook his abuse". I am writing a book about my life, including a chapter on this very topic... the risks I took for the sake of feeling damaged because of my cerebral palsy. The greatest being having unprotected sex with a man who had a sexual disease 'because he loved me enough to be with someone as damaged as me'. (It was quite a scare so be sure to buy my autobiography when I finish it.)

Looking back, I see each of those men as monsters. That is why the firing of Matt Lauer has me... I don't have a word. Due to my chosen limited social interactions, celebrities play a primary role in my life. Second to Gabriel Byrne, Matt Lauer is my favorite male celebrity. How can he be a monster? My heart literally aches.

We are all humans. None of us are flawless. People criticize me for sharing too much personal information when my transparency is what keeps me accountable. Few would be shocked if I was found strung out on Xanax or dead from a drug overdose or jailed for assaulting someone who hurt my cat and dog. I'm human.

Matt Lauer is human. Those who abused me are human. As a society, we have got to be more transparent about our temptations and weaknesses. We cannot turn our head out of personal discomfort. We have to listen and act when people are violated. Regardless of disability, race, position, gender...we are all human.

Aging with Disabilities

EXACTLY! And the uncertainty of how my abilities will be in the future, the near future, is a great source of anxiety, then Crohn's,  then depression... it all spirals down for me. This is why I am so hypersensitive about my fear of bothering people. I have no family to care for me. But I remind myself I have Jesus... and He is Jehovah Jireh.

Read this article on cerebral palsy

Morning Time

He knows how it feels to be alone in a sinful world. Christ was rejected, despised, and deserted by those closest to him. Our pain and distress is NOTHING compared to the abuse and scorn Jesus experienced. Still, he woke up each morning to spend time alone with the Father. Whether they were out to stone Him, seek Him to be healed by His touch, or simply praise Him, Jesus always started the day in quality time with The Father. I want to be just like Jesus.

He wakes me up, morning by morning, like one being taught...  I just wrote about this myself, then read what you wrote... and thought,  "What Beth said!".

Anxiety Update

A reader responded to one of last year's entries on anxiety and Benzodiazepines. *By the way, I am looking for health blogs so please let me know if you have a related blog so we can connect. Thank you!

Here is my update on anxiety:

I know from experience that getting off Benzo's is torture. You are such a strong woman for getting off the meds. Do you have compassionate support system? Your introduction was inviting,  and I wanted to read more about you. I  couldn't find a blog. Do you have one? Currently, I am using a diffuser with Lavender *have always been a skeptic of aromatherapy, but it works! Also, my anxiety has been really bad lately, so I have been reading the Recovery Bible and meditations for the Twelve steps. It helps reading about hurt people helping hurt people.

Handling Hard Times

Thanksgiving is over. Back to semi-normality if you can survive the Christmas season. No, I won't tell you it's about your attitude. I won't tell you to be grateful for what you do have. I won't tell you to get out and socialize. I won't tell you to have more faith.  While those strategies help for some, each of us were creatively, uniquely made. There is no one universal answer to dealing with mental health issues. If there were, there would be no more mental hospitals, psychotropic drugs, or suicides.

When I meet people who start entering the friendship zone, I make it clear upfront I am not good with socializing. I always feel like a burden. I have a lifetime of baggage that is deeply embedded into my perceptions. Isolation is safer for me as I read books about others who have the same issues as me. Relationship issues.

The best way for me to stay healthy is to stay true to my gut feelings rather than going with the flow, following society.

Jesus had 12 disciples who followed him, a few followed Him all the way to the cross. Yet there were also 3 women who followed along, "some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases".  Luke 8:2

Beth Moore suggests the 12 men followed Jesus because they were called, while perhaps the women followed because they were cured.

The women followed Jesus... either because they were so thankful He cured them, or because they had illnesses... or maybe because they loved Him.

Place me in all 3 categories. You see, we have to find coping mechanisms based on our limits, and we know our limitations better than anyone.

And that is why I devour my Bible rather than getting out to socialize.

What Truly Matters

Yep! Look how quicker I rebound now as opposed to 7 years ago. I don't let life keep me down. I may fall, but I get right back up. The past two months have been one heartbreak after another... yet NOT ONCE did I question my relationship with Jesus, and I ALWAYS like who I see in the mirror because I am true to who God created me to be.

Happy LAST Thanksgiving

Yesterday was awful, so I here is last Thanksgiving's post,  which still applies today..
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Happy Thanksgiving! First, I apologize to the Native Americans for how my ancestors treated you and continue to treat you. This is your land, and I never forget that. Second, I thank Jesus for my life... it's not what I wanted, yet it has brought me closer to You. It has made me rely on You for everything from walking to speaking to pooping to breathing to getting out of bed. Thank You, Jesus. You are My Everything. I am thankful for Jireh and Addy who bring happiness to my days, making me laugh and love. I am thankful for my safe home in my favorite city in the world. I am thankful for friends who put up with my moods and my unpredictability. And I am thankful for my relatives... all of them... who have made me one strong, stubborn, determined, independent woman.