That Lure of Xanax

My pharmacy offered me THREE months of Xanax to help get me with the holidays. I said no, thanks.

My friend cried tears of joy when I told him. I cried tears of sorrow because I WANT THEM SO BAD! WHAT WAS I THINKING? 

It's a major step, especially during Christmas. I was first prescribed Xanax in 1993. My first psychiatric hospitalization, a fellow patient told me I should ask for Xanax because it was good stuff. Just like that, I was given Xanax. I only took it during Christmas when I had to be around relatives. In 2008, I began taking it regularly after closing my private practice due to a mental breakdown. Because Xanax is easy to develop a tolerance to, I took more and more since my peers included psychiatrists, so I could get all the pills I wanted. 

To this day, I fantasize about my Xanax days. Taking them give me THE BEST feeling ever! Oh my goodness! It's like being on the edge of general anesthesia... you don't care about ANYTHING! And it kicks in within 20 minutes of taking it. Oh, I miss it. Turning the air conditioner down really low, covering myself in blankets and sleeping. Many of my Christmases were spent in a comatose sleep for 9 hours, I'd wake up, pee, take more Xanax, and be out. All my worries floated away. Gotta tell you,  I long for that kind of Christmas this year.

Things have been going so good for me, I know it's because I am walking in obedience to God. I don't want to mess that up.

What upsets me are people who say, "You quit Xanax years ago. What's the big deal?", ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS MINIMIZE BY THE PEOPLE I STOPPED  XANAX FOR! *incorrect sentence structure, but I am angry. I didn't quit for me; I quit for others.

You never get over the cravings. It has me thinking, since people minimize it, maybe I will minimize it... No big deal... maybe I will call the pharmacy back and rescind my denial.

Hurricane

So the hurricane is coming right towards Tallahassee, and one of the FEW bad things about Tallahassee is the power goes out easily and stays out for weeks. I have serious respiratory problems. Plus, the joys of menopausal hot flashes.

Needless to say, I am highly concerned. I know beggers can't be choosers. I know I could go to a shelter or nursing home. I am dead serious when I say I would end up in jail or psych ward. The other day when Jireh was sick and I was waiting at the pharmacy, I yelled in the phone with 20 people around, "You are making me mad and I am about to go postal!"

Luckily, I saw everybody look at me and had the sense of mind to calm down. There was a reason I was on Xanax. There was a reason I moved to Tallahassee and am so happy. I truly DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE. I have had enough of people in my lifetime, but God commands us to fellowship, and so I write. I Facebook. I Amazon. I avoid strangers. That is how I lived in my car. I won't lose water so I can read in my tub of cold water and put ice water on Ji.

Xanax Cravings

I've been off Xanax for several years, yet I still crave it. Today is one of those days.

People are so cold-hearted.

Having a hard time with life today… Reading positive information like this from Recovery-Road.org:
In the case of benzodiazepines, the nervous system is in a temporary state of being excessively excitable and overly sensitive to stimuli. Unless there are pre-existing or concurrent medical conditions, this will be the only reason for your symptoms. When the recovery process is complete, the symptoms will subside, you will exhale, celebrate and then enjoy doing everything you couldn’t while you waited for the bumpy ride to end.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that as unpleasant and unsettling as it can be for many, withdrawal does not last indefinitely.  Thousands before you have survived this and are now enjoying fully functional lives once more.  This too, shall pass.

Truth

Not Trusting Doctors

Today I'm feeling the intense desire to isolate. Monday was extremely emotional as it was the last day I saw my doctor after close to 18 mths. I don't trust doctors. I don't trust myself. Medication scares me. When I was in college, I was put on Xanax because I had a friend tell me "it was good stuff". That was in 1993_ and I saw many doctors the next 20 years, all of who prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety. Xanax should only be used for temporary crisis and/or emergency situations. Most of those years, I only took pills on major holidays. One prescription would last me two years yet every time I went to the doctor, I was given prescriptions. Thank God I didn't fill them.

But 2010, life became unbearable, and my only relief was Xanax. Taking it every day, I developed a tolerance, needing more and more to affect me. Very soon, my life was in a fugue. Granted, circumstances were truly life threatening aside from the Xanax... Any one would have a nervous breakdown with the experiences at the time. I lost all my friends, trusted no body, had no money, no safe place to sleep... Truly as close to hell as I have ever experienced. I remember begging God to please let me die! I couldn't escape! I çouldn't get out of my life. Living scared me... It was like a monster chasing me nonstop. Breathing was increasingly laborious, paranoia was legitimate (even proven), it was an endless, uphill race. I needed a rest and there was none. As if I was a felon on the run, there was no respite available... except for Xanax, which put me in a deep sleep where I could finally feel safe.

The doctor's solution for my mental state was Xanax, and it worked. Looking back, it was instrumental in keeping me alive! My hours were consistently in survival mode.

Glory to God, my life is better than it ever has been. I moved to a different city, have wonderful new friends, secure housing... Happy. And a major  reason is because my doctor got me off those destructive pills. Life is good.

My fear is a new doctor will put my on addictive mind altering drugs. Alcoholics can stay away from bars, recovering prescription pill addicts can't stay away from doctors.

I'm not worried about my ailments slowing me down... I'm worried about the doctors who treat my ailments.