New Service Dog Needed

The complex got a new Pest Control company. The last company knew not to knock on my door because of PTSD. Management is EXCELLENT understanding and accommodating my PTSD, including calling me before sending maintenance over. The knock on my door, a simple freaking knock on my door, brought back a myriad of horrific terrors. Just like that.

A single sound, smell, touch can fuel PTSD just like that. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and I can't stop catastrophising. I want Xanax. I seriously want Xanax.

My Jireh's bark is vicious, which comforts me knowing she scares people away. I am in the process of, well, I have been seriously considering setting up a GoFund me page to start raising money for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. Then, I had second thoughts, thinking when Jireh and Addy pass away, I will just stay in bed, writing, praying, and reading.

Before this, I contacted a breeder from my home town who I instantly connected to after seeing videos of her puppies, environment, and hearing Christian music in the background. She answered every question to my liking (tests goldens require, number of times they breed a female - I HATE WHEN PEOPLE BREED FEMALES MANY TIMES! POOR DOGS!, etc.). She truly cares for the dogs. That makes me feel like charging $1800 per puppy is reasonable. When she told me her husband is a Pastor, so she couldn't negotiate the price... I knew if God provides me the money, this family deserves the money.

So after I was just sent into A MAJOR PTSD MELTDOWN, I know I need a puppy. My vet will cover expenses (except for medications) after the puppy turns 6 mths old, which is how I afford to keep Jireh as a service dog. I will just have to pay for initial shots and get the puppy fixed. So here goes... watch how God works as I ask strangers (readers of my social media) to help me raise $2200 for a puppy who will help me keep my independence, helping me when I fall, when I have anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and even the times I get so depression, I feel I have nothing to live for. Watch God perform His miracles!

Invisible Illness

Found this wonderful site, Mad in America (http://www.madinamerica.com/) which is written by medical experts, specifically those in the psychology field, about the misuse of diagnoses and medications. Story after story of how patients' lives were completely altered by the medical community. That is a danger with invisible disabilities- even medical professionals cannot diagnose invisible illnesses with certainty. Face it, even though clinicians use the DSM as guidelines for identifying symptoms, psychology in itself is subjective. Disorders rely on patient's reports, and who can measure one feelings compared to others? How does one even identify the norm? Depression,for instance, is frequently measured by The Beck Depression Inventory, where the individual rates himself on a scale of 1 -10. Questions ask things related to sleep, appetite, happiness and sadness.  At one period of my life, I would go 48 hours without sleep. I remember having a sense of accomplishment when I slept for two hours straight. Lately, I sleep anywhere from ten to twelve hours a night. Eight hours would seem excessive a few years ago, but it is not enough now. How do you measure things like sleep and mood? Results determine diagnosis labels, and ultimately medication. Think about the huge room for error!

This website is an eye opener to the power given to medical professionals.

Do I truly have Depression? Anxiety? PTSD? Attention Deficit Disorder? Agoraphobia?

Do I need to be on medication? Which one(s)? How much?

What if they're wrong? What if I'm wrong?

Agoraphobia Poem

Staying under the covers

Away from the others

About time for church 

I plot and I search.

Safer to stay

in bed for the day.

I should go... instead-

I remain in my head.