Preparing for Cuts in Social Security

Thankfully,  my friends are coming to my aide and helping me survive the Social Security cut in my check for June. There have been a few people who have told me they are facing the same problem- the State will no longer cover Medicare Part B, and they are deducting previous Medicare payments from their June checks. I have a feeling this is about to happen to many people and they are not preparing because they didn't read the letter from Social Security. By the grace of God, I had notification this was happening, so I submitted my appeal and have friends who are helping me pay June's bills.

I have times of severe anxiety, where I lay on the floor, clutching a pillow, not knowing what is going to happen to me. I am writing like a maniac, several projects,  so I can generate income through writing. Thankfully, I have time to write in the comfort of my own home before I am homeless. All I can do is take one hour at a time.

Of course, there are people telling me if I get a job, this wouldn't be an issue. I sent him this video and comment:

I have 3 graduate degrees and had a mental breakdown. Now, my mental health issues keep me homebound. I am glad you are able to work. Please don't discount those of us who want to work,  yet are medically unable to do so.  And, yes, I know Nick. Please don't compare people with disabilities.  We are all different.

Major Clinical Depression

Service Dog

So I haven't been pushing my Gofundme page for a new service dog because the vet said Jireh has a good 4 more years of working for me. Yesterday, Jireh was sick so I made her lay down all day.

Well, I fell on my ribs and in severe pain. I was told to lay around as much as I can so my ribs will heal. I have a high pain tolerance, and let me tell you... I am in SEVERE PAIN! I can't drive to FSU so this really awesome guy came to my place so I can rest while he and his friend excercised Ji. They wore her out!

So I need to push my request for donations to get a new 8 - 10 week old golden retriever to start training. If I lost Jireh, I will lose my independence. I need to train a puppy while Jireh is still able to help me. Please donate whatever you can. Thanks.

Copy link into your browser. 

https://www.gofundme.com/help-disabled-lady-stay-independent

Your support would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!

Cerebral Palsy Impacting Secondary Conditions

New YouTube Video

In this video, I discuss the need for a new service dog puppy to train before Jireh retires,  the impact cerebral palsy has on my stamina and other age related topics. Click the link.
https://youtu.be/QVrdhGSObPQ

New Service Dog Needed

The complex got a new Pest Control company. The last company knew not to knock on my door because of PTSD. Management is EXCELLENT understanding and accommodating my PTSD, including calling me before sending maintenance over. The knock on my door, a simple freaking knock on my door, brought back a myriad of horrific terrors. Just like that.

A single sound, smell, touch can fuel PTSD just like that. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and I can't stop catastrophising. I want Xanax. I seriously want Xanax.

My Jireh's bark is vicious, which comforts me knowing she scares people away. I am in the process of, well, I have been seriously considering setting up a GoFund me page to start raising money for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. Then, I had second thoughts, thinking when Jireh and Addy pass away, I will just stay in bed, writing, praying, and reading.

Before this, I contacted a breeder from my home town who I instantly connected to after seeing videos of her puppies, environment, and hearing Christian music in the background. She answered every question to my liking (tests goldens require, number of times they breed a female - I HATE WHEN PEOPLE BREED FEMALES MANY TIMES! POOR DOGS!, etc.). She truly cares for the dogs. That makes me feel like charging $1800 per puppy is reasonable. When she told me her husband is a Pastor, so she couldn't negotiate the price... I knew if God provides me the money, this family deserves the money.

So after I was just sent into A MAJOR PTSD MELTDOWN, I know I need a puppy. My vet will cover expenses (except for medications) after the puppy turns 6 mths old, which is how I afford to keep Jireh as a service dog. I will just have to pay for initial shots and get the puppy fixed. So here goes... watch how God works as I ask strangers (readers of my social media) to help me raise $2200 for a puppy who will help me keep my independence, helping me when I fall, when I have anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and even the times I get so depression, I feel I have nothing to live for. Watch God perform His miracles!

Cerebral Palsy and Kashmere Skin Care

As a woman with Cerebral Palsy, I know how difficult everyday skin care can be. I am sharing my secrets in my YouTube video  along with a discount for products. 

When I feel pretty, my outlook is pretty.

If the video link doesn't work, paste this in your browser
-  //youtu.be/Y5gRiCV0k-Y

Here is the discount code for Kashmere Kollection's.

All I Can Do with Disabilities

Watching figure skating reminds me of better days between my mother and me. We had tickets to watch the Figure Skating Tour with Kristy Yamuguchi, Scott Hamilton, Tara Lapinski, etc. to which I was beyond ecstatic! I still remember the sound of blades cutting through the arena ice, as the skaters glided smoothly on ice, dancing to classical music. Forever to be a favorite life memory.

The most memorable part happened a few days before the show, when my mother and told my aunt and grandmother she “was taking me to ice skating”. Note- we have lived in Florida since I was 4 years old.  My aunt and grandmother hesitantly asked my mother if she really thought that was a good idea as it had been years since mother had ice skated. They didn't question MY ABILITY to ice skate as I was expected to do anything I set my mind to… whether it be water skiing, snow skiing, mountain climbing, roller skating, and, evidently, figure skating.

I consider my Cerebral Palsy to be a little above moderate in terms of physical impairment. Fortunately, my stubbornness has always surpassed my limitations. Every individual is different in terms of abilities and potential. Labels (a.k.a. medical diagnoses) too often becomes more of a handicap than the disability itself!

At age 48, I find myself searching online and in society what to expect as my body is suffering from the repercussions of my brain damage on my muscles and organs. I wonder if sleeping 12 hours per day is due to aging with C.P.? How about the tightness in my chest after brief physical exertion?  Or difficulties opening jars, carrying coffee, and tightening my gas cap?

I will forever be grateful for being raised without limitations based on my disabilities for it led to a fulfilling quality of life. Now, my stubborn streak is not enough to defy the results of aging, and that is hard for me to accept. Even more frustrating is my childhood friends expecting me to do all the things I did as a child. I have been told things such as, “You never let your C.P. stop you before… what happened?”.

It's tough not to take such comments personally. I cannot convince them I am the same girl when they are seeing glimpses of a quitter.

All I can do is all I can do… I think I found a new personal quote, and even book title.

Cerebral Palsy Aging

Cerebral Palsy Aging

Click the link above where I describe how cerebral palsy is impacting my health... Useful information for professionals, families and individuals who do not know what to expect. For further information, visit my blogs at The Writing Therapist and The Christian Bohemian

Making Dreams Your Reality... Despite Having a Disability

Response to schools limiting student's vocational goals -
https://youtu.be/_G-ppNLqg3c

Follow my blog at thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com

Cerebral Palsy and Anxiety

Here is my first video blog. Check out the impact of having a panic attack in addition to Cerebral Palsy at my YouTube channel. Cerebral Palsy and Anxiety Video

Aging with Cerebral Palsy

Being a full-time writer has already impacted my health, and I just started a few days ago! There are so many projects on my plate, I have been having chest pain, anxiety, anger outbursts, Crohn’s attacks, and extreme irritability at distractions. I keep a bullet journal recording how I rate in different areas of each day (faith, reading, writing, self-care, etc.) and the numbers are declining.

Aging with Cerebral Palsy is challenging because while the brain damage remains the same, the rest of the body declines faster than individuals without Cerebral Palsy. As quoted in 8 Factors that Affect Life Span in Cerebral Palsy - 

Those with physical impairment can also experience premature aging. Inactivity and lack of exercise can weaken the body and decrease immunity and cognitive function. Some children with Cerebral Palsy will use more energy to move than a child without Cerebral Palsy. The result is excessive wear on internal organs, including the heart.

Cerebral Palsy led to numerous secondary condititions forcing me to shut down my counseling practice. I literally have not had time commitments for 10 years! It's overwhelming. I question my ability to write full time. Cerebral Palsy never goes away. And I am constantly fending off PTSD, Agoraphobia, Major Clinical Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder, Crohn’s Disease, Endometriosis, Drug Addiction or Excoriation.

 I still have bad times that no one knows about. This is so frustrating since Cerebral Palsy didn’t limit me until my middle 30’s. Lately, I have been having chest pain, so much so that I drafted an article about Cerebral Palsy and Costochondritis, wondering if people with Cerebral Palsy are at a higher rate for heart attacks. The night I started the draft, a friend with Cerebral Palsy died from a heart attack.  You can read more about Costochondritis in The Medical Dictionary.com.

You can have a normal childhood with Cerebral Palsy.., yet adulthood becomes more challenging,

Alternative Remedies for Ailments

I used to take 4 Excedrine for migraines per day due to severe migraines. Two months ago, I got a diffuser with Lavender essential oil scent and haven't taken Excedrine since. Sometimes, I put a couple drops of the oil on my eye mask when I feel the migraine coming on, and it works wonders. I never believed in homeopathic remedies. The diffuser relaxes my muscles, calms my anxiety and helps me sleep through the night.

The diffuser helps not only with general health issues, such as using peppermint oil for congestion,  I have seen great improvements in my anxiety, cerebral palsy, and even Crohn's Disease.

When/if I go back into private practice, I will definitely use a diffuser in my office. Now I know why Spas use diffusers.

During the Christmas holidays, my depression spiked, so I bought a salt lamp. What could it hurt, right? From what I researched, salt lamps change the environment by some scientific ways that are over my head (No pun).

Call it the placebo effect, call it science... whatever it is, my depression has definitely lessened since I started using the salt lamp. Of course, everyone is different so you may not feel the same benefits from homeopathic remedies. In fact, I have heard essential oils are harmful to pets, even coming from diffusers. Then I have read the benefits pets get, even people who put drops on dogs pads to decrease anxiety when traveling. My cat and dog have not displayed any significant changes from my diffuser or salt lamp.

At any rate, I no longer take medicine for migraines and have significantly decreased my anxiety medication. That in itself makes me feel better.

Please leave me a comment if you have experience with diffusers or salt lamps.

Disabilities, Sexual Abuse, and Church

After a great Saturday with a friend, and a social detox day yesterday, I woke up clinically depressed. Depression is like that- showing up out of nowhere. Let me add my left side was hurting last night due to Cerebral Palsy,  so I took a couple muscle relaxants before bed. This led to vivid nightmares of the sexual abuse I experienced in 2010… and, I woke up like this. Cerebral Palsy, sexual abuse, PTSD, now severe depression. I don’t dare eat because my Crohn’s will flare up. Welcome to my life.
There are so many directions I could take this entry… since I am still reeling from the Matt Lauer falling from sexual abuse, I will go that way. While it is refreshing to finally see women speaking up, hearing incidents triggers PTSD.  Sexual abuse happens in churches, too. Here is a recount of my experience-

The church conspired with my mom to institutionalize me. Sent the cops to come get me... the cops said "we can't take you... you're smarter than we are!". The bad part was she got all my friends to believe I was an incompetent drug addict. So I pushed everyone away. Meanwhile, my landlord  (who also attended the church), wouldn't fix my heat unless I gave him oral sex. I refused, and reported him to my pastor. My pastor talked to the landlord who admitted everything, saying he was sexually attracted to me and didn't trust himself alone with me. My pastor told me not to worry about it.  I left everything behind and lived in my car at the rest area. I had been going to him for pastoral counseling for Xanax addiction, and he said he was addicted to pornography and told me all about that and sex with his wife... so two different men from my church were being sexually inappropriate with me while conspiring with my mom and friends to institutionalize me. Was I crazy?

I lost everything except Jesus. 
I don’t go to church anymore.

I have a firm understanding of the Bible, spending an average of 4 to 6 hours of Quiet Time per day. Jesus is very present to me, and I survive, spiritually growing, by being in solitude with the Holy Spirit... fellowshipping with a few friends. Basically, I live like a nun. I am going to be with Him now to cry out to my Prince of Peace... He is waiting.

Aging with Disabilities

EXACTLY! And the uncertainty of how my abilities will be in the future, the near future, is a great source of anxiety, then Crohn's,  then depression... it all spirals down for me. This is why I am so hypersensitive about my fear of bothering people. I have no family to care for me. But I remind myself I have Jesus... and He is Jehovah Jireh.

Read this article on cerebral palsy

Dating

I recently tried a dating website, disclosing my cerebral palsy in my profile since I understand most men would be uncomfortable with my disability. I understand that, and respect it. At the same time, I wouldn't date someone who smokes, is not a Christian, and is not a college graduate.  I really don't mean to sound snobbish. Everyone has preferences and I don't want to settle. When I stayed at a friends house, people were using words I had never heard. They were discussing farm life stuff. I was totally out of place. It's a matter of interests. The woman I am writing a book with and I get along great talking about Bible characters, interpreting Scripture, etc. Another friend and I are both independent women, not willing to settle. Another understands my mental illness so I am comfortable with her.

Frankly, I don't like men touching me. I don't like to be told what to do (like my mom telling me how I can't drive in big cities and making me hotel reservations without my input. No... dating just isn't for me. It would take away from my time with Jesus.

Introduction to Me

Added a video into of me...
https://youtu.be/iMiTOvX_4fE

In Between

Outsiders think people living on SSDI have it made by not having to work and still getting a monthly income. After all, we don’t have to listen to a boss or spend most of our time doing jobs we don’t want to do.

Qualifying for SSDI can take years due to the number of people who try cheating the system. Between paper work and doctors appointments, the process is tedious enough without having an illness. Going through the process will make a sane person crazy! Once you finally receive the award letter,  it`s like winning the lottery! Finally, someone believes you’re too sick to work. Admittedly, though,  you have to swallow your pride, too, realizing your fate.

Well, my mind and body cannot seem to cooperate. When my mind is clear, my Crohn’s Disease keeps me constrained to my bathroom,  or my muscles are aching from aging with Cerebral Palsy, or I am having trouble catching my breath due to Asthma.

On the rare occasions when I can physically function, I am afraid to leave my home due to PTSD, Agoraphobia, and  Anxiety. Or I can’t get out of bed due to Major Clinical Depression.  Definitely not the “lucky life” other’s think I have.

So I am writing a couple books in hopes of earning enough money to have a better quality of life. I wrote a children’s book series called, Dillon and Friends, which was published several years ago. Those quarterly commission checks are a beautiful sight in my mailbox.

As long as you are breathing, you still have work to do here on earth. I guess you could say I am in between jobs. Not quite sure what I should be doing.  But there is still work to do.

Aging with Cerebral Palsy

Since I am part of the first major generation of adults with Cerebral Palsy, I want to share my experiences. It's 4am so this will be brief. At about age 35, I started falling, had trouble opening jars and trouble with fine movements. My legs started shaking while sedentary.

I'm now 47, as I said, awake at 4am because my legs ache. Ibuprofen helps a lot. I can't walk in sand anymore.

Granted, my activity level has been increasing as I have been mentally feeling better, or shall I say psychologically since my short term memory is bad. I forget fighting with friends, and then wonder why they stop calling me. Also, when in extreme situations, I forget where I am. This happened on the way to an obgyn appointment because of past sexual abuse. I couldn't remember what city I was in, or where I was going.

I'm having an MRI next month and will keep you informed.

Adults with Cerebral Palsy

https://www.cerebralpalsyguide.com/community/cerebral-palsy-in-adults/