Such comfort knowing Jesus died for me. When I feel so unloved, such a burden to this world, wondering why i am here... no one understands my pain. But Jesus does. He is all I need.
https://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/01/he-is-risen/
Trying to get back into my Quiet Times with Jesus after my mini vacation. While all the socializing was fun, my mind is full of worldly things, and I need to get back in my routine of spending my days in The Word. So I won't be on social media as much. I'm struggling to find balance between my online job blogging versus basking in His Presence.
Monday, my friend is coming up from Orlando to replace the donut with a real tire. Until then, I will be ghosting (unplugged, reading, writing, worshipping). BTW- I am so thankful I live alone... I would never connect with Him so intimately otherwise. Remember my last boyfriend would want to spend time with me and I resented him for taking me away from quiet time with Jesus? That was a huge part of me moving to Tallahassee.
I have the perfect life. My friends understand my quirks and faults so I am able to be myself. For that, I am beyond grateful.
Jesus has me crying! He loves me sooo much, He brought me home safely. This morning, I went to check my car to see if I had any cash to pay a $27 bill due in 2 weeks. It seems my electric company AND PayPal made multiple charges "by accident" *Karen is my witness... it was NOT my fault. PayPal is reimbursing my bank, but the electric company said they could only credit my electric account. So my balance is under $500 and my $745 rent check hasn't posted yet. I cancelled everything so I will only have one overdraft fee. THE DEVIL AIN'T GONNA STEAL MY JOY! So I find EXACTLY $27 cash to pay my bill. *You tell me that's not God!!! I also found a flat tire with an inch hole in it. GOD PROTECTED ME FROM A TIRE BLOW OUT ON THE ROAD! I WAS GOING 85 MPH YESTERDAY! See, God AIN'T letting me go to heaven until it's HIS timing.
I called roadside assistance, and Sue... (I don't know about car stuff... my daddy took care of my car). Even though Sue and Jim are on vacation, they dropped everything to take care of me like family. They told the mechanic what to do, Sue offered to pay him, but he refused to charge me. Sue and I prayed over the phone, both of us crying, thanking Jesus. I can imagine my Heavenly Father with my daddy smiling down at Sue and Jim.
Oh, I told the mechanic I just got home from meeting Reba. He thought that was cool. I said, "Sunday, I met a Country star, and today, I met you... a Rock star.".
Shared with my friend telling him I pray all the time I die before Jireh because I will go mentally insane without her. Looking at this picture, he said, "You know dogs were on earth with Jesus. Think about Jesus petting dogs... "
I said, "I bet Noah knew how special dogs are and decided to name them God backwards... Dog. And I bet when Jesus sees Jireh, He will hug her and say, "Good job taking care of My Shelly..."
He knows how it feels to be alone in a sinful world. Christ was rejected, despised, and deserted by those closest to him. Our pain and distress is NOTHING compared to the abuse and scorn Jesus experienced. Still, he woke up each morning to spend time alone with the Father. Whether they were out to stone Him, seek Him to be healed by His touch, or simply praise Him, Jesus always started the day in quality time with The Father. I want to be just like Jesus.
He wakes me up, morning by morning, like one being taught... I just wrote about this myself, then read what you wrote... and thought, "What Beth said!".
Thanksgiving is over. Back to semi-normality if you can survive the Christmas season. No, I won't tell you it's about your attitude. I won't tell you to be grateful for what you do have. I won't tell you to get out and socialize. I won't tell you to have more faith. While those strategies help for some, each of us were creatively, uniquely made. There is no one universal answer to dealing with mental health issues. If there were, there would be no more mental hospitals, psychotropic drugs, or suicides.
When I meet people who start entering the friendship zone, I make it clear upfront I am not good with socializing. I always feel like a burden. I have a lifetime of baggage that is deeply embedded into my perceptions. Isolation is safer for me as I read books about others who have the same issues as me. Relationship issues.
The best way for me to stay healthy is to stay true to my gut feelings rather than going with the flow, following society.
Jesus had 12 disciples who followed him, a few followed Him all the way to the cross. Yet there were also 3 women who followed along, "some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases". Luke 8:2
Beth Moore suggests the 12 men followed Jesus because they were called, while perhaps the women followed because they were cured.
The women followed Jesus... either because they were so thankful He cured them, or because they had illnesses... or maybe because they loved Him.
Place me in all 3 categories. You see, we have to find coping mechanisms based on our limits, and we know our limitations better than anyone.
And that is why I devour my Bible rather than getting out to socialize.
I read an article on "Spiritual but not Religious" that fascinated me. After spending my life attending church, having others tell me their interpretation of God's Word, I now prefer to read it myself and let the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. Maybe that's why I gladly spend an average of four hours per day studying the Bible. Maybe that's why I chose to be a hermit. I feel Jesus with me when I am alone, as opposed to when I am socializing... after long periods with other people, I miss Him. The world comes between us, and I am unable to hear from Him and write for Him.
Since my dad died 2 months ago, I keep getting kicked down again and again. I became SEVERELY DEPRESSED again, and had to stay off social media along with turning my phone off. Retreating is where I find peace.
Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing how thankful we are to be able to understand one another's perceptions. We are both at the same level of Spiritual maturity after infinite hours of Quiet Time. She walks along with me because she has been through the journey (which continues until we go to heaven) of a personal relationship with Christ.
The way I explained it to her is driving to Atlanta (which is where she was heading when we talked). I cannot expect to be as far as she was by getting on the road after she has been driving 6 hours. No, I have to take the time to follow the same path in which she has already invested. When you reach that level of spiritual maturity where a friend "gets it", it is priceless.
So I guess, to me... religion equals set rules and rituals, which are the building blocks of spirituality. Once I followed the rules and rituals, I was able to discern what was coming from my Heavenly Father versus what was coming from the world.
And for that, I am thankful.
Think about this... wow. Gives me chills. I am so thankful for Cathy and Karen, who walk the path, His path, with me... and understand me...and KNOW Him, the way that I know Him. And love Him, the way that I love Him. And experience and interact with Him, here and now... reading His Word as a spring of living water refreshing the soul.
Truly, "to live is Christ, and to die is gain".
My 8:30am discussion lasted nearly 2 hours, yet I am still tingling. I am Spiritually spent...I need a cigarette.
I slept the rest of the day. This weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!
Basically, we talked about my depression, and even my recent suicidal thoughts. I told her I see my clinical depression as an indicator of my deep desire to go to heaven and be with Jesus. We discussed Mandissa, Plumb, and other Christian singers who suffer from deep depression and anxiety. Then, my friend shared something that showed me... she truly understood. A wave of relief, comfort and love washed over me. FINALLY! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD I WANT TO GO HOME! When I was able to compose myself to speak, I said I felt so validated as a Christian... my faith wasn't being questioned because of my mental illnesses, instead, I realized the importance of fellowship with other Christians who UNDERSTAND. She said THIS is why I must write about it to show other Christians depression and suicidal thoughts are not flaws in faith. There's no need to feel guilty for not trusting God more. Instead, use the feelings of despair to crawl to Him on your knees. He's always waiting... and I am never a burden.
Since Dad died, there's a song that comforts me, but I didn't know the name of it. I wanted to add it to the Quiet Time playlist for Karen and me to get on our knees and connect with Jesus next weekend. After hours of searching, I gave up. I knew it said "this is the one thing you didn't see coming", and "I am not strong enough, I can't take anymore".
I said nothing to Karen. She sent me this song to add to our playlist.
THIS IS THE SONG!!!!
https://youtu.be/DjNZf878ISQ
Christmas is next weekend for me because Karen and I are celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. Nothing from the outside world. We are staying in our PJ's, worship music playlists, and we each have been compiling Bible verses for each other. Just her and me. That will be my Christmas. I get so jealous everyone has family for holidays... well, I am making next weekend my Christmas. On the actual Christmas and Thanksgiving days, I take sleeping pills to escape the holidays. Yet this way, I am celebrating the TRUE MEANING of Christmas.
John 14--- The Spirit will never leave us as orphans; He answers our prayers to glorify the Father; He gives us PEACE the world does not understand; He shows himself to those who believe; He makes my heart His home...
I personally love how Jesus said, " If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father "
I love Jesus! In the evil of this world, Jesus said this would happen in the end times. I can't help believing Jesus is coming back soon...
Whenever a verse speaks to me, I journal the date and event in my Bible. I just did this with the verse referenced in my Birthday card. This is my third journaling Bible. I have filled the first two with thoughts and feelings. This Bible is my letter back to God. I started Beth Moore's new Bible Study, "The Quest", which is PRECISELY about what I am doing.
I'm working on a Bible study manuscript and here is a snippet from what I wrote today:
Read 2 Corinthians 1 - God gives us more than we can handle so we rely on HIM, not ourselves. And when we have people pray for us, they see God at work in our lives, so He is glorified. Just as we share in each other's suffering, we also share in each other's blessings. We reap the rewards of following Christ now, while the ultimate reward will be spending eternity praising Him forever!
I had a wonderful day with Jesus... my depression is gone!
He showed me I am excited because I'm spending eternity in heaven... how can I be depressed when I have THE ULTIMATE to look forward to? Going to Heaven! My depression is gone! Not only that, all my life, I have felt indebted to my mom for sacrificing her life for me... she continues to treat me like crap, and today, after she hurt me by treating me like a burden, Jesus told me I am NEVER a burden to Him, He is NEVER too busy for me, and...HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME!!! PRAISE GOD! I owe my life to Jesus, NOT my mom! Those chains have been broken! I'm free!
So are you. If you have accepted the Lord as your Savior, you are not stuck in any relationship... you are free to live for Jesus... and He loves you more than you can even fathom.
This is from a blog I wrote 2 years ago... finally, I feel called to return to Private Practice...
I’ve been binge watching “In Treatment” which is a HBO series about a psychologist and it has reawakened my love for being in private practice. Maybe I will return to the field. You see, private practice is conducive to the introvert lifestyle because you interact with a few patients per day, 50 minute intervals (just long enough to say, “whoops, time to go!”), and I don’t have to worry about vulnerability because I don’t share personal information unless it is to further the patient’s well-being. Sure, patients yell and treat me crappy but that is usually due to the sensitive subject matter. Picking and prodding at life-time wounds which need to be addressed for their quality of life. Of course they get emotional. Therapy brings realizations that can feel like life has kept secret from you, ABOUT you, your entire life, as if the whole world knew something that no one told you. Many times, the course of denial is used to survive the unimagined. “Everyone’s uncle molests them…” or “It’s normal for church elders of the opposite sex to tell you about their marital problems.” Days are lived feeling the world is a safe place, everything is status quo…. Until you go talk to a psychologist who shakes their head in shock, surprise, even horror when you describe scenarios. “What? Why are you making that face? You mean, it IS bad when your pastor tells you you could find someone to marry you because circus freaks find marital partners?” Hmmm. So the client reacts as if the therapist is the bad guy for crushing the bubble of denial. They yell, cry, throw fits. Then they leave until next week.
As a Christian, I reflect on the awesomeness of God’s intricate plan… how He only lets us know the parts we can handle. How encouraging it is to see Him giving you harder trials, knowing He not only knows you’ll be faithful, He will be there holding your hand.
This show has me missing the deep, introspective thinking I once practiced on a daily basis. I had a fall, spent several years ‘on a break(down)”, yet I’m coming back… better than ever. Before too long, I’ll put my shingle back out and have a sign on the door saying, “Therapy in Session”.
