Hope Forward by Reflecting Back

Working so hard on my blogs, needed a prayer walk. I am so in love with Tallahassee. It's beautiful. I love the culture, the 50 minutes from the ocean, the ambitious ambiance, the friendly people... and the FSU spirit. There is no place I would rather live.

And my Addy cat... she is such a good girl who has been with me through the closing of my private practice, to losing Zoey, to living in my car at a rest area, to getting this 8 week old puppy who was her size when I brought Jireh home, to now Jireh is a 90 lb sister who submits to Addy. If it comes between me or Addy (i.e. giving Addy pills), Jireh takes Addy's side every time, barking at me to leave Addy alone.

And Jireh... I have loved golden retrievers most of my life. Pedigrees are costly. Yet, by the grace of God, I have the most beautiful animal I have ever seen! Her intelligence, beauty and personality astounds me daily. Truly, she feels like a person to me, and we do everything together. She visibly loves me above anything and her loyalty is solid.

I get to spend my days living my dream of writing, spending quality time with Jesus, creating... Loving life.

You know, we get so caught up in day to day problems, we lose sight of God's blessings - I am the worse! As the new year begins, I am making my blog thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com more professional, focusing completely on mental health issues, and launching a new blog which shares all my passions... passions of my heart that have been made reality. Sometimes it helps to look back and see how far we have come. It gives us hope. It's all in perspective - some people are depressed the holidays are ending, while others of us are ECSTATIC at new beginnings.

Either way... we all need hope.

Christmas Survival

Thanks for all the encouragement in getting through Christmas! Spent 3 hours with Cathy, and had just enough alcohol to make me sleep the rest of the day. Each year will get easier. Merry Christmas - I am so thankful for my friends. The best part- I was a little drunk so Cathy ran Jireh to wear her out, then covered me up with a blanket when she left.

I have only been that drunk once before. Okay,  twice. I don't like it. I like the sleeping part, especially without Xanax. But I don't like being drunk. I knew I was safe with Cathy. Not the most Christian way to celebrate Christmas, still, thankful I did it without pills or suicidal thoughts.

I hope my transparency with mental illness over the years has helped people understand it is neurochemical and not a sign of weakness. Thankfully, I have true friends who support me, and so I will keep sharing my journey. I could never do this life without Christ.

Working on Manuscripts

Feel like I am standing my readers up when I don't work on my blog, so I just had to check in. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays. I plan to write an entry on facing the holidays alone. I have no plans and will be completely alone from now until after Christmas. It's going to be tough. Take care of yourself and do whatever you can to get through the next 2 weeks. I will do the same.

Severe Depression

None of this helps if your family has disowned you. I am past the point of wanting to go anywhere and talk to anyone. My psychiatrist upped my meds because I am falling so far into the darkness, I don't know if I will find my way out... even when the holidays are over.

Article from Counseling Today

December Depression

I've cancelled all my plans indefinitely, staying away from social media holiday posts and stopped answering my phone. What little energy I have goes to promoting and submitting my writing, and playing with Addy and Jireh.

I spend my days staring into space, wondering if the depression will lift after the holidays, and pleading to God for relief.

No more whining to my friends. No one can help me anyway. No one understands.

What Truly Matters

Yep! Look how quicker I rebound now as opposed to 7 years ago. I don't let life keep me down. I may fall, but I get right back up. The past two months have been one heartbreak after another... yet NOT ONCE did I question my relationship with Jesus, and I ALWAYS like who I see in the mirror because I am true to who God created me to be.

Getting Out

Another wonderful time with my new friend and her daughter, just chatting around her tranquil home. As much as I hate to admit it, it does me good to get out. My mind is on something other than my current situation.

Migraines have waken me every morning for months, prompting my doctor to order an MRI, which I could not afford the co-pay. I have been up since 3am with major pain. I am writing this in the dark, and I am thinking the blue light thing may have some factor.

So this is a short check-in.

My friend knows I am having ambivalence facing the holidays. Currently, it's affecting my writing and I refuse to elaborate... she took a chance and got me a BEAUTIFUL nativity set.  The lump in my throat prevented me from speaking. I am keeping it up all year.

Writing

After my weekend writing retreat, I am redefining myself. Another new chapter in my life has started. Also, reading a book for review. Enjoying staying home. It's cooling off. Summer is my favorite, but last month's electric bill was  $190! I lost a freelance gig which brought in $200 mth. Plus, my new landlord is talking about DOUBLING my rent. Bad part is I don't have money to move. Been selling Christmas cards, which helps. And the holidays are hard when I have no family. I will take sleeping pills on Thanksgiving and Christmas so I sleep through the day. Otherwise, I am escaping by writing and reading.

God will provide. He is Jehovah Jireh. I know He's got me.

Christmas in October

Christmas is next weekend for me because Karen and I are celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. Nothing from the outside world. We are staying in our PJ's, worship music playlists, and we each have been compiling Bible verses for each other.  Just her and me. That will be my Christmas. I get so jealous everyone has family for holidays... well, I am making next weekend my Christmas. On the actual Christmas and Thanksgiving days, I take sleeping pills to escape the holidays. Yet this way, I am celebrating the TRUE MEANING of Christmas.