God is Never Changing

I found out my SSDI has been cut by $400 due to the changes in the Affordable Care Act. I have no family and cannot live on this decreased wage. While I'm filing an appeal, the decision can take up to 45 days to finalize. I cannot survive on this wage, yet if I can pay June's bills, I have time to find a freelance writing job. I am humbly asking, if you can help me at all, even $10, please PayPal me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com. Please. I will give all glory to God.

Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day weighed down by depression and severe anxiety. Disbelief, numbness, helplessness, and fear overwhelms me. I know God Is in control. But when I try fixing things myself, I drive myself crazy. I can't breathe. I can't function. I become worthless. Staying curled up in a ball isn't the answer. Nothing gets solved. And I am neglecting life's mission of glorifying God. Sadly, the opposite happens. I have to stop, breathe, and put things into perspective. The last book I read, “She Reads Truth” prepared me greatly for this season of life. Authors Rachel Meyers and Amanda Bible Williams write how God is our only constant. The world is ever changing.

As I experienced first-hand last week, our lives can be turned upside down at any moment. We ultimately have no security on this earth. God and His Word are our only constant – yesterday, today and tomorrow.

The authors cite verses that should (and often do) calm the chaotic turmoil in my heart, with God's promises including:
“My peace I give you” – John 14:27
“You will be My people, and I will be your God” – Jeremiah 30:22
“The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God remains forever” – Isaiah 40:8
“Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away" Matthew 24:35.
And the verses go on and on. The bad news is we can only fully rely on God and His Word. The good news is that is all we need.

My dear friend shared this video with me, reminding me how strong Our Lord is, and how foolish I am not to trust Him with details of my life. Here is the link - Comforting Video

One Step Before the Other

Didn't want to get out of bed as depression has fully materialized.  All of my mental illnesses have taken up residence, along with Crohn's Disease. It hurts to live. Reality is sinking in.  Before turning to Jesus, the world took over my thought process. Catastrophic “what if’s” swooping in. I can't do this.

Seeking  comfort from friends by reading Facebook status updates only made things worse. For example, I checked on a friend who's facing the anniversary of her mother's death… oh, she's fine… she's counting down to a luxurious vacation. So many negative thoughts revolve around my mind, I decide to take Jireh for a walk before starting my day.

Remembering God challenges me to bring my grievances to Him as He says in Isaiah 1:18, “Come, let us reason together…” I start by complaining about my financial situation, and feel God remind me, Shelly, why are you doubting me? Don't you remember all the times I took care of you by paying off your car, taking care of your student loans, moving you into a nice apartment when you had nothing and was living out of your car… what about when you quit your counseling job due to having a mental breakdown? How quickly you forget! Trust me, My child. As far as you judging your friend’s trip while mourning her mother's death, aren't you being hypocritical as you get angry when people don't understand why you have unexplainable peace when going through major trials? And about your bitterness that you cannot afford luxurious vacations… I have commanded you to set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18. Instead of focusing on temporary things, I want you to finish the work I for which I created you.  As I have said in Colossians 3:23,24 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”.

Of course,  He was right, as always. I watched Jireh spying on squirrels in the magnificent Tallahassee trees, noting God also provided the means for me to relocate to my favorite city. Admiring my neighborhood walk,  I thanked God for my home, then for Jireh being happy and healthy. Now you know why I didn't allow you to get a new puppy… you would have had to give him up. 

He continued by bringing numerous situations to mind, changing my ungrateful,  bratty attitude to showing me tangible ways He is in control. Trust me, Shelly. You are ready for the next step. Now is the time to put into practice all I have taught you. 

I realized I have spent so many years talking and planning how to use God's gifts to me, I haven't followed through until completion. Now is the time. Face it, I don’t have much more time on this earth. I want my life to count.

Holding On

Woke up to resume fight to get Social Security amount back. Found At&t had double charged my account, leaving me with a negative balance again. I am numb. Apathetic. I  don't care.

8:17 a.m. Basically whatever energy I have within is being spent trying not to go insane. Don't think I have the strength . Functioning on God's power inside me. Have fallen past the state of depression. Think God is protecting me with this apathy. Yesterday, I was ready to fight. Now that office hours are open, I've made phone calls, only to find things worsening. I know God has this,  and God has me,

10:03 a.m. Crohn's Disease is officially on attack mode. My health conditions seem to gather together... having a reunion inside me. Taking over my mind, body... but never my soul. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. - 2 Corinthians 4:16 

Nothing can touch my soul. Once I accepted Jesus as Savior in 8th grade, God sent His Spirit into my heart.

3:30 p.m. The fog lingers... My external situation is worsening, I watch the clock move, anxious because I know Cathy will stop Facetiming me when she gets off work at 5pm. We haven't talked much, yet having her "with me" is what keeps me from hiding in bed. My Agoraphobia, P.T.S.D. and severe anxiety have all showed up. I am okay with Cathy online with me... but what's going to happen when she has to go take care of her family? 

I will read my Bible and write for the rest of the night. I will be easy on myself as I felt God leading me to redefine my ministry today based on Paul's ministry in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4. That is not much, but it's progress. Between discovering a new ministry and making necessary phone calls, I have accomplished a lot considering my entire life is in a state of uncertainty. The details will be soon forgotten, but my reaction will remain. I have faith. I trust God. I am taking this one hour at a time, wanting nothing more than to glorify God. 

Why I Cannot Talk to Relatives

Ever wonder how I take care of myself on my own? I rely on God and a couple close Christian friends.  This video shows the PERFECT example why... in real time.

People who do not understand my relationship with God do not realize He takes care of me. He has me.

I do not understand how people stay sane without a relationship with Him.

Click here:
https://youtu.be/ntRl4IiNGFA

Mid-Life Crisis

And the transition into my authentic self continues. Liberating to discover who I have become… more emotional than I anticipated. Letting go of what no longer fits into my lifestyle.  At times, I want to go back for the sake of comfort. There's a vast existential hole leading to loneliness.  Pushing through the pain leads me to cry out to Jesus,  making the hurts worth it. He remains the same.  Never changing is The Rock I hold on to while the world continually changes.
I find it crucial to surround myself with people who inspire me to be who I was created to be, actively doing what I was created to do. Wanting to be like Jesus, I am spending quality time getting to know Him, sitting silently as I listen for His soft voice. And this guides me in my transition as my priority is letting go of ALL that is not of Him.  Jesus is my compass as I follow the desires He places in my heart.

2 Corinthians 5:17 – “If anyone is in Christ,  there is a new creation.”.

Good Company

My Crohn’s Disease has me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Thankful I get to stay home and work. The car tire I waited until I got my SSDI to buy turned into hearing the $60 bill turned into $175, needing two tires. AND my other two tires are so old, the rubber can separate any time, thus I was instructed not to drive until I get 2 more tires. Yet, it is miraculous my tires did not blow out when driving 80 mph on my recent road trip. My AC needs coolant yet I am safe in my own place. There are a few other serious problems going on that appear catastrophic, needing urgent attention.

Depression and anxiety should be on full throttle. I admit, for a few hours, I was freaking out.

Then I went to Jesus in prayer. He showed me (again!) how perspective is everything. Enjoying God's presence instead of focusing on my current circumstances has me writing and studying Scripture has me at peace. I read my friend's blog about how she was having such a bad day, until she realized God is walking with her, showing His love, mercy and grace. She quotes several verses which turn her heart to focus on the eternal. Jessie at www.thehopefilledlife.blogspot.com is such encouragement to me as she finds joy even in the hard times because she has Jesus with her wherever she goes. She admits to her frustrations, yet like David writes in Psalms, her sorrow always turns to joy as she connects with Him. I love being around her because she overflows with the love and character of Jesus. It's so refreshing to be around her! My friend, Karen, is the same way.  Karen and I have a contest over who has the most debilitating medical issues. She has serious hidden health conditions, yet she tells me she feels inadequate to write a book on faith because she doesn’t have significant problems. Um, yes she does but because she is indwelt by the Spirit of Jesus, she is so grateful to have His presence in her life.

I love hanging out with positive people, like Jesse and Karen, because they show me how irrelevant my problems are in the scheme of things. Most of all, I love spending entire days having quiet times with Jesus. I mean, come on! How can I be discouraged when I get to spend the day with my Savior?

Originally posted here
http://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/04/good-company/

Frustration

http://christianbohemian.blog/2018/03/15/getting-a-service-dog-puppy/

Getting Back to My Routine

Trying to get back into my Quiet Times with Jesus after my mini vacation. While all the socializing was fun, my mind is full of worldly things, and I need to get back in my routine of spending my days in The Word. So I won't be on social media as much. I'm struggling to find balance between my online job blogging versus basking in His Presence.

Monday, my friend is coming up from Orlando to replace the donut with a real tire. Until then, I will be ghosting (unplugged, reading, writing, worshipping). BTW- I am so thankful I live alone... I would never connect with Him so intimately otherwise. Remember my last boyfriend would want to spend time with me and I resented him for taking me away from quiet time with Jesus? That was a huge part of me moving to Tallahassee.

I have the perfect life. My friends understand my quirks and faults so I am able to be myself. For that, I am beyond grateful.

New Post...

https://christianbohemian.blog/2018/03/04/travels/

Understanding Not Understanding

Please hang in there as I transition to my new blog. I need to make it more thorough so please keep checking this blog for new posts until I finish setting it up. 

New Post here 

New Post on New Blog

http://christianbohemian.blog/2018/02/22/one-hundred-pennies-for-thoughts-about-god/

And the Blessings Keep Coming

And the Blessings Keep Coming...

My rent goes up next month, so a couple months ago, I thought I would have to move to a cheaper place. Not having the money for initial costs of deposits and such, in addition to loving where I live... the situation seemed hopeless. Since then, God has taught me to EXPECT (not HOPE) He will answer my prayers. I learned being obedient, walking according to His leading, and ASKING were components lacking in my life.

A couple weeks ago, I checked my bank balance to see if I had money for a McDonald's value meal. There was an extra $156 in my account from Social Security! It seems I have been deemed "medically needy", and no longer have Medicare expenses taken from my check. This more than covers my increase in rent!!!!

God then showed me how having $5 value meals in lieu of groceries was NOT good stewardship. So I started ordering cereal, coffee, peanut butter, kitty litter, toilet paper etc. off Amazon where they are a minimum of 50% cheaper if you can find them as "add on items". I also order protein shake powder and mix it with water to get the proper nutrition. My diet and spending significantly changed for the better ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL, NOT MY WILL.

My favorite band, Def Leppard, started selling concert tickets the day I got my SSDI. I had assumed this must be a sign that God wanted me to make a financial exception and put tickets on my emergency credit card. I mean, it's DEF LEPPARD! Sure, I have seen them 6 times before, but IT'S MY FAVORITE BAND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

Well, the day came when tickets went on sale. On the way to buy Jireh's monthly medication, I get a text on my phone saying tickets JUST went on sale. So I made a mental note to order the ticket right after running errands.

Then the vet told me Jireh's check up is in a month. (Since she's a service dog, I only pay for medication, including shots.) That will be an additional expense. I don't even want to consider 'what if something is wrong with her'. Then, a close friend lost 'their' job and we share a phone plan, so I have to cover the entire $210 phone bill. (We both have payment plans for our phones, making the bill high).

No Def Leppard tickets. I even cancelled my monthly order for the diffuser oil that helps with migraines, C.P., anxiety and PTSD.

I kept telling God to tell me what to do, especially financially, and I will do it because I EXPECT HIM TO BE JEHOVAH  JIREH - My Provider.

I called At&T to get on the lowest data plan possible, and was switched to another department where the representative said when people call to cancel their accounts, At&t offers them $30 off their monthly bill to stay. Since I have been such a loyal customer, they wanted to keep me on my plan at a $30 cheaper rate!!  I couldn't believe it!!! Praise God!

Then, this morning, I went to buy milk for my cereal. Starbucks was right next door. I haven't been to Starbucks in what seems like an eternity. Paying $5 for a cup of coffee is no longer in my budget. I wanted a Butterscotch Latte so bad. I asked God, okay, TOLD God... just one Butterscotch Latte... please?

I didn't get a solid answer. My car headed towards Starbucks. I felt like I was about to get into mischief, thinking, "this is wrong, this is wrong...", when I pulled up to pay for my latte, the cashier told me the lady before me paid for my order!!!!

No words, except HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

Growing Deeper

I always see posts about reaching out for help if you are suicidal, or write "done" if you read this... and my favorite "say Amen if you believe in God". If only things were that simple.

If we are too busy to read the Bible daily, we are too busy for a relationship with Jesus. That was Charles Stanley's message this morning. He addressed loneliness and said if you have the Holy Spirit indwelt in you, you need to reach out to Him when you are lonely. I never feel lonely when I stay inside and off of social media because I enjoy the presence of Jesus. I don't question why God is allowing bad things to happen because the world doesn't revolve around me. The Old Testament is full of examples where the Lord told Israelites their disobedience will impact future generations. A perfect example is when God said women will always have painful childbirth became Eve disobeyed. And because we cannot live perfect, sinless lives, Jesus had to pay the ultimate sacrifice as the only sinless man. If we refuse to accept Jesus as Savior, we will not be filled with the Holy Spirit, our sins will not be forgiven, and we will not live eternally with Christ.

The past few days have shown me how much I have grown. The friends I have had for most of my life are not use to who I am now. When we change, sometimes our family/friends fight our growth, and if we are not careful, they will pull us back to the victim role.

I am no longer a victim. I have fought with God's strength to better myself. I am neither WHO I use to be, nor WHERE I use to be. Sadly, I have outgrown friends I had in my sickness. That is why I never married - I intend to keep growing, and will not be held back by those who do not grow with me.

Words mean little to me now. "I will pray for you" or "read" isn't enough anymore. Neither are good intentions. When a potted plant grows, it must be planted in deeper soil to spread its roots. Otherwise, it will be stunted.

It's time for me to be planted in deeper soil.

Keeping God's Secrets

Today was a miraculous day! God very visibly, UNDENIABLY answered my prayer..

Wanted to YELL TO THE WORLD the miracle God just did. I told 2 people - one started crying tears of unbelief, and the other gasped for air in amazement. I called whoever I thought it would bless... the rest, I am keeping this miracle in my heart as long as I can by staying in the conscious presence of Jesus.

If a person didn't answer, I felt they didn't need the message. I only shared to GLORIFY GOD. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. 

I KNOW THAT WAS GOD GOING OUT OF HIS WAY TO TELL ME TRUST HIM. HE PROVED BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT TO KNOW HE IS IN CONTROL... DON'T JUST "HOPE" HE IS. 

I am turning off my phone and getting on my knees to be with Him... no distractions.

I feel like the day I was saved! FREE! 

LATER-

I spent several quality hours with Jesus, and it was so refreshing. 

Worship, praise, and contemplation. 

Reading how Joshua took over the Jericho and God told them rid the city of all that was not of Him, they got rid of the people, yet kept the gold and silver...they disobeyed. Keeping the gold may have seemed minute to them, but it was a sin. They disobeyed God. I want my life free of everything that is not of Him. Everything else is meaningless. 

Giving and God's Plan

I admit I have been feeling sorry for myself because I have nothing to look forward to this Christmas, especially compared to last Christmas, which was a dream come true. I wallowed in depression, went through periods of bitterness, sadness... even hatred. It seems God had His own plans...

What a surprise when I found a photo in my timeline of the lady who helped me at the store a year ago when I was shopping for my Christmas Trip to Central Florida. I saw her again for the second time yesterday. She has a daughter with Cerebral Palsy. Since I got the check from my publisher, I wanted to give back in honor of all who gave to me last Christmas. So I bought her a diffuser since it helps relax my muscles, and am giving her my weighted blanket (has bad memories attached to it).

Last Christmas, my friends gave me an all-expensed paid trip to a 5-star hotel! IT WAS TRULY MAGICAL as I have no family and live at the poverty level.

My publisher paid me for the first time in 6 months. I became eligible for $15 month in food stamps and got a retroactive amount, so I have food. I'm safe, warm and my pets are healthy. I have no plans for Christmas and won't go anywhere. I'm working on monetizing my blog and writing a few books. I am determined to get out of poverty, and use my talents to glorify God.

My friend said it sounds like this will be a great Christmas for me as I told him other "surprise" gifts for people who hardly know me. Told him it feels so good to give to others for a change. No feeling like a moocher this year. No feeling like a burden. No. I am sharing the love of Jesus.

That's the Christmas Spirit.

Mark 11- 
The Widow’s Offering
41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

New International Version (NIV) - from Bible Gateway

There's Hope in Depression

It's going to be alright. The dark abyss may be infinite, yet Jesus takes my hand and leads me out into the light. There may be no speck of light in sight, but Jesus will come for me. And He will fill me with joy and strength to follow Him. He will wipe away all the pain, not just wrapping my wounds, but healing them, and using them to show the world how powerful my God is!
Satan will not win. My God reigns, and He is fighting this battle for me.

What Truly Matters

Yep! Look how quicker I rebound now as opposed to 7 years ago. I don't let life keep me down. I may fall, but I get right back up. The past two months have been one heartbreak after another... yet NOT ONCE did I question my relationship with Jesus, and I ALWAYS like who I see in the mirror because I am true to who God created me to be.

Falling Rocks and The Solid Rock

My father passed away two days ago. I am doing much self-reflection, which will make for innovative writing material.

God has truly carried me through. Despite multiple health issues, I drove from Tallahassee to Tennessee with my Jireh. In the fog and darkness of mountains, somehow, I remained calm navigating signs like "Falling Rocks" and "No Shoulders". At several points,  there was no phone reception.

Exhausted, I kept going, racing to get to my dad before he died. As the Bible says, I kept focused on running the race ahead of me. I stared at Truck lights in front of me, imagining Jesus, the Ultimate Light, was guiding my path. I dared not look to the right or left... I dared not waver.

Praise God, I made the trip safely. I kind of felt like Elijah during his journey!

Now, I haven't gotten out of bed, haven't eaten or written. Maybe tomorrow. God taught me so much these past few days.

Still, the "Falling Rocks" started when I got home. Mental rocks. I had the 3rd black out of my life due to mental and physical exhaustion. 

I may take a short break from writing and functioning... as I regain my balance... on Christ the solid Rock I stand.

The Air I Breathe

I was so afraid my power would go out in the hurricane since the eye was directed right to me. With respiratory problems, I was especially scared. But God had me... I never lost power. As Job 33:4 says, the Lord Almighty is my breath of life. With friends texting me throughout the night, praying with me while they were in the worst part of the storm, I was never alone. My God, You are the air I breathe.

Let This Sink In

Know your circumstances are not related to God's love for you. Let that sink in. Instead of elaboration on my part, I pray God speaks to your heart.