God is Never Changing

I found out my SSDI has been cut by $400 due to the changes in the Affordable Care Act. I have no family and cannot live on this decreased wage. While I'm filing an appeal, the decision can take up to 45 days to finalize. I cannot survive on this wage, yet if I can pay June's bills, I have time to find a freelance writing job. I am humbly asking, if you can help me at all, even $10, please PayPal me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com. Please. I will give all glory to God.

Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day weighed down by depression and severe anxiety. Disbelief, numbness, helplessness, and fear overwhelms me. I know God Is in control. But when I try fixing things myself, I drive myself crazy. I can't breathe. I can't function. I become worthless. Staying curled up in a ball isn't the answer. Nothing gets solved. And I am neglecting life's mission of glorifying God. Sadly, the opposite happens. I have to stop, breathe, and put things into perspective. The last book I read, “She Reads Truth” prepared me greatly for this season of life. Authors Rachel Meyers and Amanda Bible Williams write how God is our only constant. The world is ever changing.

As I experienced first-hand last week, our lives can be turned upside down at any moment. We ultimately have no security on this earth. God and His Word are our only constant – yesterday, today and tomorrow.

The authors cite verses that should (and often do) calm the chaotic turmoil in my heart, with God's promises including:
“My peace I give you” – John 14:27
“You will be My people, and I will be your God” – Jeremiah 30:22
“The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God remains forever” – Isaiah 40:8
“Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away" Matthew 24:35.
And the verses go on and on. The bad news is we can only fully rely on God and His Word. The good news is that is all we need.

My dear friend shared this video with me, reminding me how strong Our Lord is, and how foolish I am not to trust Him with details of my life. Here is the link - Comforting Video

Christians and Suicide

For people who question my faith when I get depressed, Isaac was one of my top 3 favorite pastors. My friends from Bible Study told me I wasn't trusting God when I was suicidal. Isaac was their pastor, too. The "church" thinks prayer can fix anything, so many of us suffer in silence. On Thanksgiving, I was feeling suicidal and called the only member of my relatives I had contact with. The person who accepted Jesus with me in 1983, and got Baptized in the same water as me. Out of despair and hopelessness, I asked if he would miss me if I died. He yelled at me for making him miss his daughter's reaction to Santa on TV. Then he asked if I was going to church. The ultimate sting was when He asked if I am a Christian.  No wonder Christians commit suicide. Either they keep their mental illness hidden, or members of the "church" push them over the cliff. If you are suicidal, be very cautious with who you tell. My relatives are all dead to me now. I worship Jesus, not "the church". I have a chemical imbalance, not a lack of faith.

Christian Spirituality

I read an article on "Spiritual but not Religious" that fascinated me. After spending my life attending church, having others tell me their interpretation of God's Word, I now prefer to read it myself and let the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. Maybe that's why I gladly spend an average of four hours per day studying the Bible. Maybe that's why I chose to be a hermit. I feel Jesus with me when I am alone, as opposed to when I am socializing... after long periods with other people, I miss Him. The world comes between us, and I am unable to hear from Him and write for Him.

Since my dad died 2 months ago, I keep getting kicked down again and again. I became SEVERELY DEPRESSED again, and had to stay off social media along with turning my phone off. Retreating is where I find peace.

Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing how thankful we are to be able to understand one another's perceptions. We are both at the same level of Spiritual maturity after infinite hours of Quiet Time. She walks along with me because she has been through the journey  (which continues until we go to heaven) of a personal relationship with Christ.

The way I explained it to her is driving to Atlanta (which is where she was heading when we talked). I cannot expect to be as far as she was by getting on the road after she has been driving 6 hours. No, I have to take the time to follow the same path in which she has already invested. When you reach that level of spiritual maturity where a friend "gets it", it is priceless.

So I guess, to me... religion equals set rules and rituals, which are the building blocks of spirituality. Once I followed the rules and rituals, I was able to discern what was coming from my Heavenly Father versus what was coming from the world.

And for that, I am thankful.

Reaching Out to the Depressed

So I am seeking like-minded individuals who "get me". Maybe this can also help other believers who tire of people telling them to "just pray about it" or "have more faith".

We seem to have a lot in common... maybe we can pm each other, without judgement, preaching or minimizing. Just listen, and have someone who cares. Jesus is my everything. But sometimes, prayer is not enough. Those who say otherwise have never had severe clinical depression.

Disabilities - Then and Now

Currently, I am not doing well at all. Another severe knock down... I am too weak to reach up to Jesus. I will... after my bruises and broken bones heal. My heart is shattered into infinite pieces... let me rest. Jesus is holding me. I am in His lap. Until then, here's a blog entry from a few years ago.
🕇🕇

Since I was born with cerebral palsy, being viewed as ‘different’ by those who do not know me is the only life I know. Throughout my life, I’ve heard many comments about how tragic my disability is including a visit to Disney when I was about 8 years old. A couple walked by, pointed at me and said, “They should’ve let that one die.” At the time, I was too young to understand what they meant, but I never forgot that and many other comments suggesting I was a burden to society. As I matured and socialized in various groups, I realized that I was viewed not only as different, but as damaged and blemished.
So many times I have written in my journal about how confusing it is to be seen as lowly yet to feel the complete opposite. I would write, “If they only knew the trouble I have with pride, with knowing I have a special relationship with Jesus that I would not have if I did not have a disability. Jesus took extra consideration with me, not creating me like the norm… how cool is that!” He only gives us what we can handle, and considering He has given me multiple disabilities, that tells me He has extraordinary confidence in me… confidence that I must use with others to glorify Him.
Jesus placed great value on individuals with illnesses as evidenced by the fact that they were involved in most of the miracles that He performed. The crowds and skeptics believed only when they witnessed a blind man see, a paralyzed man walk, and a deathly ill child healed. Scripture describes numerous lives that were changed through God’s use of individuals with disabilities.
Even Jesus Himself became afflicted as prophesized by Isaiah and faced the same issues that individuals with disabilities are confronted with on a daily basis. “Just as there were many who were appalled at Him- his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and form marred beyond human likeness” Isaiah 52:14. It goes on to say that people looked the other way when He walked by, and He was familiar with suffering… a man of sorrows. That pretty much describes feelings experienced by people with disabilities.
Think about it: the Savior, God’s own Son, the King of the universe was scorned and persecuted because of His ‘different’ appearance. They completely missed his being the Messiah because they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see past His appearance. To state the obvious, preconceptions can be detrimentally inaccurate. How many people have I passed over because of their ‘differences?’ How many times have I insulted Christ by looking over someone with a disability, discounting their worth to society? And how often do I forfeit being blessed by someone’s gifts because of my busy time schedule or mere discomfort? 
Granted, because I have literally spent my entire life around people with disabilities, I don’t have the anxiety that most people have with the disabled. Yet I am still amazed at how much more I am blessed by people who I reach out to serve. I could write pages of how God has used individuals who the world overlooks to dramatically impact my life, but I will only share three examples from forming this ministry.
With the intent of serving as Jesus did and to follow a stirring in my heart, I offered to sit with a young lady named “Mandy” while her parents went out on “date nights.” I had no idea how much I would be the one blessed and served by Mandy instead of the other way around. Mandy doesn’t verbally communicate and is fully dependent on others for basic needs including needing medication to tell her brain to go to sleep and rolling over in bed. Yet Mandy is always smiling… and she knows what is going on around her. She laughs at jokes on TV, she gets excited when she hears her parents walk in the door, and she looks into my eyes intently when I confide in her. Personally, I believe Mandy is always smiling because she has the joy of Jesus inside her, and I just know that she and Jesus share an incredibly intimate relationship. How else could she be so happy knowing she has lost all the friends and freedom she had before her accident? I find myself jealous of Mandy and the joy that she has… I want to know her secret. Isn’t that how we bring others to Christ, by exhibiting ‘something different’ that makes people want to know our source of joy?
I’ve also recently met a new friend named Mac who, like Mandy and myself, the world views as ‘blemished.’ Mac loves to worship Jesus and doesn’t care what people think about him when he claps and dances at church. Again, I want to know Mac’s secret of how to put aside my prideful inhibitions and focus solely on worshiping God. How freeing it would be concentrate completely on worshiping Him instead of worrying who was looking at me and what they were thinking!
Finally, I’ve met an 11 year old named “Nathan” who has trouble making friends because of his disability. Nathan has difficulty with social skills and prefers doing things by himself as opposed to being in a loud, noisy group. Yet he has the intellect of an adult, using vocabulary that I, a college graduate, have to ask him what the words mean. And Nathan hasn’t allowed the negative criticisms of others to steal his childlike belief in dreams and aspirations. While my peers tell me I am not being ‘realistic’ in my goals of publishing children’s books, Nathan challenges me to earn the Pulitzer Prize for my writing. Just another example of how I end up being the one who is blessed when I reach out to individuals with disabilities.
In order to reach out to individuals with differences, we must focus on the interaction with the person instead of our internal discomfort. Just because I have a speech impediment and walk with an unsteady gait, that doesn’t make me immune to making false assumptions about people with disabilities. While it’s natural to be nervous or at least uncomfortable around people who are different than us, it is not natural to voice one’s fears and anxieties for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or looking ignorant and cold-hearted. Perhaps I have more leniency to admit my discomfort around people with certain disabilities because of my own disability.
So what are some basic guidelines for interacting with people with disabilities? How can you calm your nerves enough to actually focus on the person to whom you are corresponding? As with any other dilemma, the answer is found in Scripture.
Think of how Jesus reacts to you when you fail to miss what He has been telling you. Perhaps in retrospect, you can now see clearly ways that He has been speaking to you or showing you the path toward His will for your life. He understands our hearts and, unlike the ‘world’ we live in, He sees what is on the inside, including our motives and good intentions. Therefore, He loves us regardless of how many times He has to patiently remind us what is right and wrong. He takes us by the hand and shows us things He has shown us time after time, but we just can’t seem to understand, hear, or see as He would like.  That is how we can respond to those with hearing and/or vision impairments; see them for the person they are on the inside rather than the differences you view on the outside. Patiently love them unconditionally, knowing they are doing the best that they can do at that moment, and support them in being their best.
As for individuals with cognitive and/or mental disabilities, consider how Jesus responds when you keep doing the same sin over and over again. Everyone has an area of sin in their life where they struggle and want to stop. If you are like me, you pray for forgiveness, believing with your entire being that you won’t commit the sin again. Then life gets in the way and He has to remind you yet again not to do that anymore. Individuals with mental impairments struggle in this area more than those without such impairments. Some of the best people to pray for you are those who have to consciously and continuously rely on God for everything, these are the people who personally know the power of His hand and regularly witness His miracles when the ‘impossible’ becomes reality…these are the people who have hope when all hope is gone as they reflect on the numerous ways God provided a way when there appeared to be no way… and these are the people whose faith is secure in Him after learning by personal experience that He will never leave nor forsake us.
Christ said that the insults of those who insult us fall on Him. That means that when we insult other people, even in our mind, we are insulting Him. He has no favorites, neither should we. In fact, to place less value on someone because of their differences and limitations devalues God’s creation. The church is made up of diverse individuals to meet the diverse needs of the world. When we exclude a group or individual because of our ignorance, discomfort, and assumptions, we are neglecting a crucial part of the Body of Christ.

“Remain true to the faith. We must go through many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God…” Acts 14:22

Remember *reposted

Writing for my blog:
Forcing myself to sit and write without any set agenda except to write. My purpose is to write. I am a writer. I am writing.

"Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to this world, do you submit to its rules: Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch"?  - Colossians 2:20,21.

Life changes when you become a Christian. Since college, on my day planner, I daily write "WHAT TRULY MATTERS?" as a reminder life is precious. I'm especially realizing this as I reread my old journals and find I recorded stupid stuff like what my crush wore to school each day. Or some kid laughed when I fell. Thirty years later, who cares? What will happen today that seems so devastating to you, yet in 6 months, you won't even remember it? Do you watch the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Or do you make a handmade card for your dear friend with cancer? Do you stay in bed, wallowing in bitterness? Or do you force yourself to write articles on ways God has blessed you?

What truly matters? Live on purpose. Find your passions and live them.

How do you want to be remembered? Let me share my list with you:
* Jesus is real to me. I feel Him in my presence. I have never questioned His existence. I believe all the hardships that happen in my life are signs He believes I will always follow Him. For those familiar with Job, I believe God has given Satan permission to "mess with me" because God knows I am strong enough in my faith that I can face anything with Christ. I hope I am not letting Him down.
* I am a fighter. Yes, I have multiple limitations which hem me in, but I believe many of them are to keep me from temptation. When I was homeless, if I didn't have cerebral palsy, who knows what I would have done for money. But because I see CP as a strike against men's attractions to me, certain options are off the table. AT THE SAME TIME, God showed me I don't give myself enough credit when I refused to sell myself to have heat and a safe place to live. God instilled morals in me.
* I also want to be remembered as a someone who never took people's kindness for granted. So many people have helped me, loved me, kept me going on when they didn't have to. I always pray God will bless them beyond belief since I have no way to express my gratitude.
* And I want to be seen as someone who, while she needed a little help, she did all she could to make her own way without taking handouts. God has given me so many gifts to use to bless others, and I want to do just that.
*Finally, I want to be remembered as a writer - recluse who loves the ocean, away from crowds and worldly distractions. This, I admit, can be for selfish reasons. I'm an advocate to the core, and when I see people being unfairly treated, I have difficulty balancing my role without personalizing  the circumstances. Then that steals my peace and interferes greatly with my health.

That is my list to guide me in my day to day activities. I don't do things as the world does. I don't float passively in the lazy river of society. I have died to the flesh and live for Christ.

Remember that.

Relationship with Christ

Romans 3:27 Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. 28 For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law.

Romans 11:6 And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.

Just like after Jesus rose from the dead, there continue to be people who miss an important part of Easter. They miss the fact that all we have to do to be blessed by Jesus is admit we are sinners, accept Him into our hearts, and allow Him to be Lord of our lives. They miss the point of ‘works’ – thinking if we do certain behaviors, Jesus will increase our blessing.  It’s sad to think people fail to see Jesus’  crucifixion  as the way to to wipe out the rules of the Old Testament in order that we may remain free.

How can we apply this to our lives?
Many people believe in “The Prosperity Gospel” – God blesses those who are most obedient. “If you do this (fill in the blank), then God will bless you…”. First of all, knowing and conversing with Jesus is the greatest blessing of all, and I already have that. Secondly, the whole purpose of Easter was to do away with ‘earning your way into heaven’ or ‘earning favor with God’ because we were born sinners, we cannot earn favor with God… we can only approach God through Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. Thirdly, Jesus has no favorites. He loves us all the same. We are all His children regardless of our actions. Fourthly, if Jesus only gives us what we can handle, wouldn’t that mean He trusts individuals who face harder challenges more than those with minimal struggles? Fifth – I don’t do things to be blessed by God; I don’t use Him like a Santa Clause. My life is based on my relationship with God and my desire to please Him. My love for Him is unconditional, whether He blesses me or not, He remains the Lord of my life. And His love for me is unconditional, it does not wax or wane based on my obedience. Praise God… He definitely is my Savior… and not man.

Galatians 2:16 know that a person is not justified by the works of the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law, because by the works of the law no one will be justified.

Galatians 3:2 I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard?

Depression is a Blessing

I'll admit, for the first time since I moved to Tallahassee, I crashed. I was in bed all day yesterday clinically depressed. I am only admitting this to show depression doesn't ever go away. I wasn't suicidal or anything, just could not get out of bed. I ignored phone calls because I wasn't THAT bad. This past week was too much for me. Too much social interaction. For instance, I felt guilty for not going on that date because maybe he wanted me to tell him why I am always reading the Bible. I still feel guilty about not being in church since Easter. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But after finally reaching out to Cathy, I believe I need to hold on to what God keeps telling me- He wants me for Himself right now. No distractions. He is preparing me for the next season. In conclusion, no more will I woe about all my health issues. I will embrace them as blessings the remind me I need to not feel guilty for staying home. I need to. I will block out the world and commune with Jesus...