Toxic Relationships

*I am using this letter to a friend to explain my release from family drama. Just because your parents are your parents, if it is a toxic relationship, you need to let them go.

No one and nothing is worth your sanity.

By the way, there has been a lapse in my writing the past few days because of toxic relationships. By tending to toxic relationships, I have neglected the friends, work and quiet time that fulfills my quality of life.

Went to Walmart and got generic food... my fridge is full. It's beyond comforting to look in my pantry and find food. It's like a life raft. I agreed to write for a travel blog on how hotels are accommodating to people with disabilities. I need to catch up my own blogs after getting behind from crashing over the weekend. 

Relatives are calling me and I finally got to the point of being honest when they ask where I have been for 30 years. They tell me my mom always said "Shelly isn't speaking to me", so last night, I told my cousin everything. Everything. From when mom butt called me and I overheard her saying how horrible I am, to trying to commit me, to sitting there when Mikie went to punch me, to not letting me stay with my dad on his death bed. So, yes, she was right saying "Shelly isn't speaking to me". And I explained why.

And my cousin CRIED, saying she had no idea, and how have I survived? And I said I kept going back to her until New Year's Eve, when I wrote her off forever. And I have never felt freer.

I have you and wonderful people in my life. And I have never felt more loved, or healthier.

We have to let go of the past for our own sanity. And God blesses us by filling our opened heart with people who love and treat us as we deserve.

Thank you for showing me the love of Christ. I love you, and trust Jesus more than ever.

Sick Days

This is the fourth sick day in a row. While I'm feeling better, I miss writing. Sleeping comes easily as my stamina is limited. My days have been filled with laying under my soft blanket, reading books as I dose in and out. I've watched more movies in the past 2 days than I have in the past 2 years.

The down time has given me several ideas for all three of my blogs. I've listed the ideas in my bullet journals, am excited to elaborate on the ideas.

Life is pretty great when you live out your dream life. My key concept, "Self-determined quality of life".  The amazing thing (one of many) I have discovered is as I refuse to settle, bigger and better things are coming my way... new friends, a ten percent increase in income, over 1400 views on my blog post... AMAZING THINGS ARE HAPPENING!

When you refuse to settle, life is really good, even with a sore throat, runny nose, coughing and headache. 

Making Dreams Your Reality... Despite Having a Disability

Response to schools limiting student's vocational goals -
https://youtu.be/_G-ppNLqg3c

Follow my blog at thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com

Using the Past to Live Today

Today is my first day back to work after a vacation to my childhood home. Of course, I am "working" just 30 minutes after waking, under the blankets of my warm bed. A major perk of being a freelance writer. The importance of following your passions and swimming against the current epitomized my trip. I took my tablet to get some work done, and decided to take in each moment instead. Let's say I did research more than writing. Here's what I learned:

Perspective is everything.  So much has changed in my once beloved childhood environment, I literally sat in my car and cried. Was my brain playing tricks on me? Had I romanticized the once warm, inviting environment of my youth? I focused on the changes, mostly negative, instead of holding on to how life was back in my day. It wasn't until I met my closest childhood friends and Godparents that I realized the environment had changed, and so have I.  Time passes, life happens, growth occurs. Hold on to the positive influences and use the negative to embrace the rewards you have earned through hard work, courage, and perseverance.
Not until I met with my former hairstylist did I feel a sense of belonging. Seeing her was like fitting in the missing puzzle piece that makes me ME. My entire body and mind “let go" by her mere presence. Later, when the group gathered for dinner, my world was right again. Love encompassed me like a cloud as I observed my guests interacting effortlessly despite some had never previously met. Various discussions were concurrently flowing, and each of them were of great interest to me.
Just hours before, I felt my memories were tainted and fallacious. Now, I realize home is the baseline we each carry within us. If everything remains the same, there is no growth. The absence of growth is stagnation.
Instead of longing for the good ol’ days, use those reflections to measure the distance you've progressed towards your self-determined quality of life. Notice the quality of relationships, alignment of interests (addressed in a future post), even your character.
Are you who you aspired to be? Are you happy? Compared to who you were as a child, are you where you want to be? It's a great time to take inventory and start/continue to purposefully be living.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde

My Sunshine

This is what I woke up to this morning. When I smiled at her, she wagged her tail.

Poem - Shellyland

Shellyland

Really, I should care, I have not washed my hair.
My looks – I am aware, simply I DON’T CARE!
Just leave me with my Mac. Eventually, I’ll be back-
Escaping into my mind, where there is no such thing as time.
No pettiness, no shallowness…goal of purpose is mine.
Why am I here? What can I do? To better this world for me and for you?
Your foolish arguments, causing me rage… no more from me, I refuse to engage.
I struggle with Christ keeping me grounded, when my fleshly nature becomes expounded.
You can’t join me, you do not belong… still, don’t judge me as if I’m wrong.
Washing my hair? Oh, PLEASE! I’m too busy on my knees.

Dating

I recently tried a dating website, disclosing my cerebral palsy in my profile since I understand most men would be uncomfortable with my disability. I understand that, and respect it. At the same time, I wouldn't date someone who smokes, is not a Christian, and is not a college graduate.  I really don't mean to sound snobbish. Everyone has preferences and I don't want to settle. When I stayed at a friends house, people were using words I had never heard. They were discussing farm life stuff. I was totally out of place. It's a matter of interests. The woman I am writing a book with and I get along great talking about Bible characters, interpreting Scripture, etc. Another friend and I are both independent women, not willing to settle. Another understands my mental illness so I am comfortable with her.

Frankly, I don't like men touching me. I don't like to be told what to do (like my mom telling me how I can't drive in big cities and making me hotel reservations without my input. No... dating just isn't for me. It would take away from my time with Jesus.

Matter of Perspective

I've had it all, according to the "world". Many boyfriends, lots of friends, teaching grad students at UCF, writing for UF, speaking statewide for the Department of Education, my own Private Practice making $120 hour in 2000 - 2005... sports cars, luxury trips, books published... there was always something missing... time alone with Jesus.

You pity me... I pity you. I live in my favorite place in the world, FINALLY living authentically for the first time in my life. I have had the life the world says is successful. No thanks. I want MY LIFE. Don't try to change me, please.

Tallahassee

I love Tallahassee.
I found this in last year's journal:

Bam! Got kitty litter before people came out at 5am. Heard football player talking about upcoming game. He goes to FSU full time, then practice, then works all night. Then I saw a nurse who works 2 full time jobs to care for her kids. The moon over canopy trees warms my heart. I am safe. People go the other way when Jireh has her vest on. She walks bolder... "No one better mess with my mom!". I got this... ummm... God's got this.

And this is from 2013 when I lived in Central Florida-

Though nobody asks me, I miss Tallahassee.
I get homesick sometimes, when it comes to my mind.
Oh, sure, I’ll move back… within the next year, in fact.
My heart was left there, where I soar through the air.
Dreams come alive – in this place where I thrive.
Doak, Bills, FSU…how my heart misses you.
‘Til days of my old, my heart beats Garnet & Gold.
Absence leaves a deep hole, ’Cause I’m a true Seminole.

----
It's good to be home.

What An Inspiration

There are individuals who leave you speechless by their character. Individuals who are so positive, you reevaluate the world when you are alone. These individuals are extremely rare. One of them, well, two of them, just left my home after a year of no contact.

I am being vague for privacy reasons, and only speak of HER... we were friends until I hurt her. Instead of lashing out at me, she simply walked away because it was the healthy thing for her to do.

The next time I heard from her was a couple years later, DURING A HURRICANE CURFEW, asking if I needed help... and they brought me food. My closest friends didn't check on me, but she did.

I didn't hear from her again until the other night when another hurricane hit. "Shelly, this is ----. Do you need help?". And she checked on me a few times until the hurricane was over.

The couple just left after helping me with my dog. I am incredibly inspired by her. Not many people successfully stay in Tallahassee after college graduation because interns work for dirt cheap. Jobs are hard to come by. After 20 years of trying, I was finally able to move back after living on SSDI and writing. I am thankful to live paycheck to paycheck... until now.

My friend bought a house. She is fulfilling her goals, living her self-determined quality of life. My goals are different: I don't want a house, I want a RV and a boat. My friend has worked hard to become a success. Not just financially, but socially, educationally, etc..

Wow. What an exceptional couple... what an inspiration.

Content

I like this picture. My hair, the Tallahassee trees, my brain, myself. I like who God created me to be. It took oceans of tears, kicking, screaming, cussing... at 48, I like who I see in the mirror.

Face It

I'm getting old. Seriously. My body is exhausted. Cerebral Palsy ages my body quicker than those not having a disability. My friends are not use to my limitations, and neither am I. Yet I notice the gradual decline. Remember, I have 6 or 7 disabilities, and I have always fought them.

This is not to be a pity post... more of an educational informative (is that redundant?) so other's know possibilities of what aging can bring.

It's hard to catch my breath. Sometimes, when I don't sit down and rest, my throat fills with phelm, making my choke. Sometimes my food won't go down because of the blockage.

My vision is going, and I can't read without glasses.

I no longer have control over Crohn's. Since my diagnosis in 11th grade, I could feel it coming and get to the restroom. Not anymore.

Walking is harder - no stamina.

Depression stays longer, and goes deeper. I've spent much time in the pit.  It's harder to get out.

Memory is bad. I forget how old I am, what friends I have walked away from,  and am losing things.

I could continue, but it would take too much time. I've been organizing so I know where to find things, and this has me drained.

Thank goodness I have a career in writing with intensive knowledge of Psychology and the Bible!

I sometimes think my death is getting close because I am facing possible colon cancer. This gives me a sense of energy to write, write, write so my life glorifies God. He is my strength.

Do what you can when you can. Life can pass by without your realization.

Life is GREAT!

Technology is great! I just saw the morning sky of Pennsylvania while greeting my childhood friend, Michele and her handsome puppy. Just think- no matter where you are, we all share the same vast sky. How many of us take the time to appreciate the colors and design? Each day has so many gifts that most of us fail to open because we are too preoccupied with what we already have, or what we are lacking.  Why don’t we be satisfied, no, ECSTATIC with what we have right here, right now? Oprah was on target when she introduced the Gratitude Journal years ago.

Today, I challenge you to think about the great things in your life rather than wallowing in the bad… which, let me add, what YOU perceive as bad may be a hidden blessing of God protecting your from something excruciating! I guess you could sum it up with LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

Right now, I am truly living the life I have dreamed of for fifteen years.  All day, every day, I get to read the Bible, create Worship Art, and write. That’s it! I’m writing a devotional, a psychology text on Aging with Cerebral Palsy and a fiction book. Recently, I decided to start writing articles for extra cash. The great thing is I am living my quality of life, not settling, not answering to anyone. And because of technology,  I am able to live in my favorite city with its academic culture, determined mindset, extraordinary trees and perfect weather all while keeping in touch with friends like Michele.
I have to say that is definitely AWESOME.

So I challenge each of you, comment below on 3 things you are grateful for today. Can I add that I am grateful for YOU, each of my readers? Because as much as I love to write, the more readers who click on the ads on this page, the more income I generate. How great is that, to get paid for doing my passion?! So share this blog site with others and comment below on what you are grateful for today.

Growth Spurts

Newborn babies require regular medical check ups to monitor their growth process. If a problem is detected early, there is a greater chance the problem can be treated before further issues are presented. As adults, medical visits become infrequent,  and only needed when there is a significant aberration occurs.

While our physical health plateaus when we enter adulthood, our psychological health does not. In fact, life events can alter our mental health significantly. Without proper treatment, our physical health can be negatively impacted by things like ulcers, digestive problems, etc..

Life is about growth and change. We need to take regular inventories of ourselves to be sure our actions and decisions align with the person we are becoming.  Such questions which need to be asked include-

**What is the mission of my life?
**What are my values, dreams and priorities?
**Am I living authentically?
**Am I using my gifts to better society?
**Do I surround myself with people who positively influence me?
**What practical steps can I take to be more like the person I want to be?

Since these are heavy questions requiring great introspection, it is good to take some quality alone time and brainstorm what truly matters. Don’t limit your dreams- the sky is the limit. You’ll be surprised how resources will appear when you begin living on purpose.

Remember *reposted

Writing for my blog:
Forcing myself to sit and write without any set agenda except to write. My purpose is to write. I am a writer. I am writing.

"Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to this world, do you submit to its rules: Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch"?  - Colossians 2:20,21.

Life changes when you become a Christian. Since college, on my day planner, I daily write "WHAT TRULY MATTERS?" as a reminder life is precious. I'm especially realizing this as I reread my old journals and find I recorded stupid stuff like what my crush wore to school each day. Or some kid laughed when I fell. Thirty years later, who cares? What will happen today that seems so devastating to you, yet in 6 months, you won't even remember it? Do you watch the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Or do you make a handmade card for your dear friend with cancer? Do you stay in bed, wallowing in bitterness? Or do you force yourself to write articles on ways God has blessed you?

What truly matters? Live on purpose. Find your passions and live them.

How do you want to be remembered? Let me share my list with you:
* Jesus is real to me. I feel Him in my presence. I have never questioned His existence. I believe all the hardships that happen in my life are signs He believes I will always follow Him. For those familiar with Job, I believe God has given Satan permission to "mess with me" because God knows I am strong enough in my faith that I can face anything with Christ. I hope I am not letting Him down.
* I am a fighter. Yes, I have multiple limitations which hem me in, but I believe many of them are to keep me from temptation. When I was homeless, if I didn't have cerebral palsy, who knows what I would have done for money. But because I see CP as a strike against men's attractions to me, certain options are off the table. AT THE SAME TIME, God showed me I don't give myself enough credit when I refused to sell myself to have heat and a safe place to live. God instilled morals in me.
* I also want to be remembered as a someone who never took people's kindness for granted. So many people have helped me, loved me, kept me going on when they didn't have to. I always pray God will bless them beyond belief since I have no way to express my gratitude.
* And I want to be seen as someone who, while she needed a little help, she did all she could to make her own way without taking handouts. God has given me so many gifts to use to bless others, and I want to do just that.
*Finally, I want to be remembered as a writer - recluse who loves the ocean, away from crowds and worldly distractions. This, I admit, can be for selfish reasons. I'm an advocate to the core, and when I see people being unfairly treated, I have difficulty balancing my role without personalizing  the circumstances. Then that steals my peace and interferes greatly with my health.

That is my list to guide me in my day to day activities. I don't do things as the world does. I don't float passively in the lazy river of society. I have died to the flesh and live for Christ.

Remember that.

Rerouted

I am realizing the plans I have for my life doesn't match God's plan. There is so much I want to do, yet I was recently on the verge of a breakdown. God has given me so many blessings, it is hard to take it all in.

The dreams you had in the past may change as you grow. The old self is gone. Discover who you have become,  ask God to fill your heart with HIS desires, and go from there.

Let His Word be your map.

Romans 6:11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. 14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace

When you accept Jesus as Lord, you die to your self. What this means is your life is no longer your own. Your future years, future days, future minutes are to be lived for HIM… not your selfish desires. The great thing about Jesus dying for our sins is we will not be put to death for our sins. Romans says ‘the wages of sin is death” Romans 6:23. Thank God we are no longer under the law… He died for us. We are free… but don’t use your freedom to sin – use your freedom to live for Jesus.

How can we apply this to our lives?
Remember, our Heavenly Father isn’t ‘a man upstairs’ (He isn’t a ‘man’ at all!) taking tally of when we do good versus when we sin. We were formed from dust – He knows that. He loves us like crazy. If you worry, are anxious, and/or are a perfectionist, keep this in mind: God’s love for you is full of grace – He knows we are going to mess up! In the Old Testament, people were killed for sinning. Jesus shed His blood for us so that is no longer true. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. If you are a child of God, your debt has been paid.

Romans 6:1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Romans 6: 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Life Plan

Just had great talk with Cathy... we realized Jesus CHOSE Judas to be one of the 12 disciples KNOWING not only Judas would betray Jesus, but Judas would commit suicide. He was still chosen. That's the grace of God. And, Jesus knew suffering and affliction more than anyone. He also knew God's plan for Him. However, Jesus STILL prayed if there was anyway the cup could be passed by, please let it pass. He KNEW HIS ULTIMATE PURPOSE IN LIFE, yet still begged the Father for another way... that is so comforting. I won't start back counseling again until I get some things straightened out myself. A colleague pointed out I step out of myself when I am counseling clients. I believe the writer in me demands I be a recluse, yet there is a gift of experience, empathy, and education I am to share with others. I believe the writer in me demands I be a recluse, yet there is a gift of experience, empathy, and education I am to share with others. That is where counseling comes in. If I see 5 clients per week, including wounded warriors, that would be perfect!

You Only Live Once

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My new motto is "You only live once". Today, I put into practice to do what I want to do.

This was my entry this morning: For the past year, one of my favorite restaurants has HUGE Reubens only on the 17th of the month... and every month, all my friends are too busy to go. Well, today I AM GOING ALONE with Jireh (my Assistance Dog)! You only live once. If I fall, I have the Lord with me. I AM GOING TO GET MY REUBEN AT MADISON SOCIAL!

I am so glad I went! Don't let fear hold you back. Get out there and LIVE!

YOLO - You Only Live Once

Integration

Jireh and I were on the go for 6 hours straight. Came home, talked to Cathy, then slept HARD. Slowly building up my stamina. I am trying to make an appearance at every disabled related event to network and I hit the jackpot at FSU. Talked with a wonderful girl who shares my passion for helping educate the community about disability issues. People with disabilities deserve to have their own self-determined quality of life. They deserve to dream and have a network of people to help those dreams become reality. They deserve to contribute to society and realize their gifts & talents make them valued... MY quality of life includes making this happen.