One Step Before the Other

Didn't want to get out of bed as depression has fully materialized.  All of my mental illnesses have taken up residence, along with Crohn's Disease. It hurts to live. Reality is sinking in.  Before turning to Jesus, the world took over my thought process. Catastrophic “what if’s” swooping in. I can't do this.

Seeking  comfort from friends by reading Facebook status updates only made things worse. For example, I checked on a friend who's facing the anniversary of her mother's death… oh, she's fine… she's counting down to a luxurious vacation. So many negative thoughts revolve around my mind, I decide to take Jireh for a walk before starting my day.

Remembering God challenges me to bring my grievances to Him as He says in Isaiah 1:18, “Come, let us reason together…” I start by complaining about my financial situation, and feel God remind me, Shelly, why are you doubting me? Don't you remember all the times I took care of you by paying off your car, taking care of your student loans, moving you into a nice apartment when you had nothing and was living out of your car… what about when you quit your counseling job due to having a mental breakdown? How quickly you forget! Trust me, My child. As far as you judging your friend’s trip while mourning her mother's death, aren't you being hypocritical as you get angry when people don't understand why you have unexplainable peace when going through major trials? And about your bitterness that you cannot afford luxurious vacations… I have commanded you to set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18. Instead of focusing on temporary things, I want you to finish the work I for which I created you.  As I have said in Colossians 3:23,24 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”.

Of course,  He was right, as always. I watched Jireh spying on squirrels in the magnificent Tallahassee trees, noting God also provided the means for me to relocate to my favorite city. Admiring my neighborhood walk,  I thanked God for my home, then for Jireh being happy and healthy. Now you know why I didn't allow you to get a new puppy… you would have had to give him up. 

He continued by bringing numerous situations to mind, changing my ungrateful,  bratty attitude to showing me tangible ways He is in control. Trust me, Shelly. You are ready for the next step. Now is the time to put into practice all I have taught you. 

I realized I have spent so many years talking and planning how to use God's gifts to me, I haven't followed through until completion. Now is the time. Face it, I don’t have much more time on this earth. I want my life to count.

Holding On

Woke up to resume fight to get Social Security amount back. Found At&t had double charged my account, leaving me with a negative balance again. I am numb. Apathetic. I  don't care.

8:17 a.m. Basically whatever energy I have within is being spent trying not to go insane. Don't think I have the strength . Functioning on God's power inside me. Have fallen past the state of depression. Think God is protecting me with this apathy. Yesterday, I was ready to fight. Now that office hours are open, I've made phone calls, only to find things worsening. I know God has this,  and God has me,

10:03 a.m. Crohn's Disease is officially on attack mode. My health conditions seem to gather together... having a reunion inside me. Taking over my mind, body... but never my soul. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. - 2 Corinthians 4:16 

Nothing can touch my soul. Once I accepted Jesus as Savior in 8th grade, God sent His Spirit into my heart.

3:30 p.m. The fog lingers... My external situation is worsening, I watch the clock move, anxious because I know Cathy will stop Facetiming me when she gets off work at 5pm. We haven't talked much, yet having her "with me" is what keeps me from hiding in bed. My Agoraphobia, P.T.S.D. and severe anxiety have all showed up. I am okay with Cathy online with me... but what's going to happen when she has to go take care of her family? 

I will read my Bible and write for the rest of the night. I will be easy on myself as I felt God leading me to redefine my ministry today based on Paul's ministry in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4. That is not much, but it's progress. Between discovering a new ministry and making necessary phone calls, I have accomplished a lot considering my entire life is in a state of uncertainty. The details will be soon forgotten, but my reaction will remain. I have faith. I trust God. I am taking this one hour at a time, wanting nothing more than to glorify God. 

Major Clinical Depression

Silence - Poem

Coming from a place of pain, all I can do is sleep. It hurts to be.
It hurts to write.
It hurts to know pain won't end tonight.
It hurts to talk.
It hurts to be still.
It hurts knowing relationships have changed against my will.
It hurts not saying the words
Letting them know I am through.
Having them wonder what went wrong is such an unfair thing to do.
Yet words left unsaid
Ultimately spares them more pain.
There's no reason to stay when I have no way to explain.
It hurts I'm a stranger
to the girl in the mirror.
And it hurts so intensely
merely being here.

Blessings Can Hurt

Full panic mode. Everything is coming together for me to get a Golden puppy before Christmas. I don't want to commit to living another 14 years. 

Since 1995, I have been responsible for at least one pet. I have deeply loved each and every one of them. 

They have kept me going through several suicidal phases because they needed me. No one person depends on me for survival. I've fought to survive so I could give them the best quality of life possible.

Currently, my kitty cat is eleven and my service dog is 7 1/2. My service dog accompanies me EVERYWHERE since I need her when I fall or have severe anxiety. My bond with her is beyond description. I truly forget she is a dog. She's my best friend, protector, and companion. By my calculations, she and my cat should pass away about the same time, and I am convinced I will die from a broken heart. When in a depression, I tell myself once they go to heaven, I can stay in bed until I die.

Since I have been feeling better, I started looking for a puppy golden retriever to train for after Jireh retires. 

A friend just sent me a breeder located in my childhood home town. Someone must know SOMEONE connected with this agency who can help me get a puppy. I don't just "want" a puppy, I NEED one to keep my independence and train before Jireh retires. 

I just called the the breeder/owner ... what a lovely lady! She knows other breeders who are having litters of Goldens, too. I asked her a few questions, such as testing hips, eyes, and how many litters they allow a female to have... she knows her stuff. She truly cares for the dogs. It seems the average cost of a puppy is $1800. Sounds like a lot until I consider the quality of life the puppy will bring me. I could do a GoFund me page. 

Everything is falling into place. My life is drastically improving while toxins are falling at the waste side. It's humbling. It's exciting. And it's scary. And it hurts. 

I know from experience God won't let me go to heaven before He is ready for me. All indications is that won't be for a long time.

PLEASE PRAY THIS BE GOD'S WILL.

Cerebral Palsy and Related Health Issues

Additional health issues related to cerebral palsy,  including mental illness and addiction on my YouTube channel here

https://youtu.be/mqOn4DcvfQQ

Benefits of Depression

Benefits of Recurring Depression

This blog will soon split off into a devotional blog and a counseling blog. I've been torn on how to incorporate the two into one blog without chasing away non-believers. Hang in there as I make further transitions!

So let’s discuss mental illness, shall we? As mentioned before, I’ve been everywhere from being a Licensed therapist to a suicidal patient in a mental ward. Speaking of transitions!! The contrasts are vast, from the people I hung around to whether or not I had a roof over my head. I’m good now, thank God. Yet depression is a lifelong condition, which can poke its head up at any time. Once you have suffered the depths of depression, it can get easier.

·       You’ll discover the hopelessness and lethargy are temporary; you CAN feel better again.

·       You find out who your true friends are… and are NOT.

·       You better understand the mental health system, including knowing which statements cause alarm.

·       You learn some things are better left unsaid.

·       You have better empathy for others suffering from depression.

·       On a similar note, you have no patience for people who carelessly use the word ‘depression’ to describe a bad mood or upsetting circumstance.

·       You learn after trial and error which medications/techniques/therapies help you best.

·       You know what to expect.

While three depressive episodes indicate the need for lifelong treatment, experience can be beneficial when struggling through the hard times. Knowing you have made it before proves you can make it again.

When all else fails, take life 5 minutes at a time…

Alternative Remedies for Ailments

I used to take 4 Excedrine for migraines per day due to severe migraines. Two months ago, I got a diffuser with Lavender essential oil scent and haven't taken Excedrine since. Sometimes, I put a couple drops of the oil on my eye mask when I feel the migraine coming on, and it works wonders. I never believed in homeopathic remedies. The diffuser relaxes my muscles, calms my anxiety and helps me sleep through the night.

The diffuser helps not only with general health issues, such as using peppermint oil for congestion,  I have seen great improvements in my anxiety, cerebral palsy, and even Crohn's Disease.

When/if I go back into private practice, I will definitely use a diffuser in my office. Now I know why Spas use diffusers.

During the Christmas holidays, my depression spiked, so I bought a salt lamp. What could it hurt, right? From what I researched, salt lamps change the environment by some scientific ways that are over my head (No pun).

Call it the placebo effect, call it science... whatever it is, my depression has definitely lessened since I started using the salt lamp. Of course, everyone is different so you may not feel the same benefits from homeopathic remedies. In fact, I have heard essential oils are harmful to pets, even coming from diffusers. Then I have read the benefits pets get, even people who put drops on dogs pads to decrease anxiety when traveling. My cat and dog have not displayed any significant changes from my diffuser or salt lamp.

At any rate, I no longer take medicine for migraines and have significantly decreased my anxiety medication. That in itself makes me feel better.

Please leave me a comment if you have experience with diffusers or salt lamps.

Christmas Survival

Thanks for all the encouragement in getting through Christmas! Spent 3 hours with Cathy, and had just enough alcohol to make me sleep the rest of the day. Each year will get easier. Merry Christmas - I am so thankful for my friends. The best part- I was a little drunk so Cathy ran Jireh to wear her out, then covered me up with a blanket when she left.

I have only been that drunk once before. Okay,  twice. I don't like it. I like the sleeping part, especially without Xanax. But I don't like being drunk. I knew I was safe with Cathy. Not the most Christian way to celebrate Christmas, still, thankful I did it without pills or suicidal thoughts.

I hope my transparency with mental illness over the years has helped people understand it is neurochemical and not a sign of weakness. Thankfully, I have true friends who support me, and so I will keep sharing my journey. I could never do this life without Christ.

Christmas Alone

Seems our illnesses really show up during holidays. Isn't it amazing how our mind and body react to external events?

My Service Dog is working full-time, around the clock, watching me and trying to make me laugh (which she does endlessly). She understands my behavior better than anyone and won't let me out of her sight. She stopped eating her food yesterday and will only eat when I eat. I may have to start eating dog kibble so she will eat.

Everytime I woke up last night, she was right there.

Got up, realized I am having Crohn's issues after pooping my pants. Found something to distract Jireh, cleaned up, put on Depends diaper, and back in bed. Merry Christmas. Gonna be a fun weekend!

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Prayers Are Not Enough... Diffusers Help

I'm a supporter of using diffusers to help with my health. The oils relax my muscles, calm my anxiety, and help me sleep. A member of an online group asked what oil helps with depression. Someone implied pray to Jesus and the depression will go away. Here's my response -

As a Christian,  the "Jesus Oil" comment deeply offends me. It makes sufferers feel they are. lacking faith. That's wrong. I wrote about this very topic in my blog - Christians and Depression , lavender helps relax me.

Don't let anyone allow you to believe  you lack faith. Hang in there. One day at a time.

Admins. will likely say my comment is inappropriate, and block me for refering to my blog again. But as a person with major clinical depression, people who just say "have more faith" and leave it at that do more damage than good. The citrus oil seems to make me feel healthier. The whole Vitamin C concept.

Christians and Suicide

For people who question my faith when I get depressed, Isaac was one of my top 3 favorite pastors. My friends from Bible Study told me I wasn't trusting God when I was suicidal. Isaac was their pastor, too. The "church" thinks prayer can fix anything, so many of us suffer in silence. On Thanksgiving, I was feeling suicidal and called the only member of my relatives I had contact with. The person who accepted Jesus with me in 1983, and got Baptized in the same water as me. Out of despair and hopelessness, I asked if he would miss me if I died. He yelled at me for making him miss his daughter's reaction to Santa on TV. Then he asked if I was going to church. The ultimate sting was when He asked if I am a Christian.  No wonder Christians commit suicide. Either they keep their mental illness hidden, or members of the "church" push them over the cliff. If you are suicidal, be very cautious with who you tell. My relatives are all dead to me now. I worship Jesus, not "the church". I have a chemical imbalance, not a lack of faith.

Self-Care When Possible

Taking care of oneself is not easy when having mental health issues because you have no energy or interest. When I feel good, I like to tan because I look so much better.

As mentioned, I got a check from my publisher. I did get 2 Christmas presents for myself... I look so much better tan, and on Black Friday, this self-tanner (normally $50 plus tax and shipping), was $23! And I locked in to automatically get it monthly, so that price will stay the same every month!

I am feeling better about myself as my face and neck are tan enough to make me look healthy without foundation. Proves when you (well, I) am able to take care of myself, it helps me feel better.

Then I walked into the crowded post office where the postal workers all greeted me, asking where have I been?! When selling handmade Christmas cards, I went in there several times per week and joked with all of them. Yesterday, I realized I have made another friend as she told me she had missed me, and we started talking about meeting for drinks, her birthday, and would I come to her party? Meanwhile, Jireh was getting lots of love.

I won't change my stance on socializing. But it's nice having options. It's nice taking care of my appearance. It's nice making my apartment my own. (My sheets had holes and rips all over. I found a sale on $60 sheets for $15). My bedding is now ocean themed with dolphins, sea horses, and anchors. God is providing.

So I guess it's not "self-care", it's "God-care" because HE cares.

Why I Don't Like Suicidal Hotlines

Yesterday, I woke up feeling the depression had slightly lifted. Knowing depression can hit you at anytime, I didn't tell people because I don't want them thinking I am all better, placing social expectations on me.

I texted a few close friends who know my cycle, and told them details, including my Thanksgiving suicide attempt. They said they had no idea I was so depressed and they would have hospitalized me. My response, "That's why I only told (my best friend)!".

Depressed individuals need someone they fully trust. I completely trust this friend and tell her EVERY THOUGHT... every plan. And by being able to share my darkest days, she has saved my life, rather GOD has used her as a vessel to save my life.

Listen, coming from a fellow psychotherapist and clinically depressed individual, I tell people BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT TELLING PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL. The average person just wants you safe, so, with good intentions, they drop you off at a mental hospital, thinking professionals will help. Those professionals pump you with drugs, watch you for 2 weeks, and for me, that started my Xanax addiction.

In conclusion, I cringe when people tell suicidal people to speak out for help. It's not that easy. You need discernment.

Imagine a child victim of incest "reaching out" to an unknown child molester.
Or a drug addict "reaching out" to an unknown drug dealer.

No. Sometimes, it's best not reaching out for help.

There's Hope in Depression

It's going to be alright. The dark abyss may be infinite, yet Jesus takes my hand and leads me out into the light. There may be no speck of light in sight, but Jesus will come for me. And He will fill me with joy and strength to follow Him. He will wipe away all the pain, not just wrapping my wounds, but healing them, and using them to show the world how powerful my God is!
Satan will not win. My God reigns, and He is fighting this battle for me.

Severe Depression

None of this helps if your family has disowned you. I am past the point of wanting to go anywhere and talk to anyone. My psychiatrist upped my meds because I am falling so far into the darkness, I don't know if I will find my way out... even when the holidays are over.

Article from Counseling Today

December Depression

I've cancelled all my plans indefinitely, staying away from social media holiday posts and stopped answering my phone. What little energy I have goes to promoting and submitting my writing, and playing with Addy and Jireh.

I spend my days staring into space, wondering if the depression will lift after the holidays, and pleading to God for relief.

No more whining to my friends. No one can help me anyway. No one understands.

Depression and Anxiety

Naomi Judd was on the Today Show talking about depression and anxiety.

Please watch this. This is such a precise definition of depression and anxiety. I can't wait to read the book. A friend came up Saturday because I am in a severe depression. I told a few people who I thought were "safe" that I attempted suicide on Thanksgiving. One person told me I do all this for drama, and I should have taken more pills. Awful things were said to me, which I am saving for my book. Right now, I can't get off the couch. And every day that passes, I lose money by not writing. Depression and anxiety are REAL.

Disabilities, Sexual Abuse, and Church

After a great Saturday with a friend, and a social detox day yesterday, I woke up clinically depressed. Depression is like that- showing up out of nowhere. Let me add my left side was hurting last night due to Cerebral Palsy,  so I took a couple muscle relaxants before bed. This led to vivid nightmares of the sexual abuse I experienced in 2010… and, I woke up like this. Cerebral Palsy, sexual abuse, PTSD, now severe depression. I don’t dare eat because my Crohn’s will flare up. Welcome to my life.
There are so many directions I could take this entry… since I am still reeling from the Matt Lauer falling from sexual abuse, I will go that way. While it is refreshing to finally see women speaking up, hearing incidents triggers PTSD.  Sexual abuse happens in churches, too. Here is a recount of my experience-

The church conspired with my mom to institutionalize me. Sent the cops to come get me... the cops said "we can't take you... you're smarter than we are!". The bad part was she got all my friends to believe I was an incompetent drug addict. So I pushed everyone away. Meanwhile, my landlord  (who also attended the church), wouldn't fix my heat unless I gave him oral sex. I refused, and reported him to my pastor. My pastor talked to the landlord who admitted everything, saying he was sexually attracted to me and didn't trust himself alone with me. My pastor told me not to worry about it.  I left everything behind and lived in my car at the rest area. I had been going to him for pastoral counseling for Xanax addiction, and he said he was addicted to pornography and told me all about that and sex with his wife... so two different men from my church were being sexually inappropriate with me while conspiring with my mom and friends to institutionalize me. Was I crazy?

I lost everything except Jesus. 
I don’t go to church anymore.

I have a firm understanding of the Bible, spending an average of 4 to 6 hours of Quiet Time per day. Jesus is very present to me, and I survive, spiritually growing, by being in solitude with the Holy Spirit... fellowshipping with a few friends. Basically, I live like a nun. I am going to be with Him now to cry out to my Prince of Peace... He is waiting.

Aging with Disabilities

EXACTLY! And the uncertainty of how my abilities will be in the future, the near future, is a great source of anxiety, then Crohn's,  then depression... it all spirals down for me. This is why I am so hypersensitive about my fear of bothering people. I have no family to care for me. But I remind myself I have Jesus... and He is Jehovah Jireh.

Read this article on cerebral palsy