Disabilities, Sexual Abuse, and Church

After a great Saturday with a friend, and a social detox day yesterday, I woke up clinically depressed. Depression is like that- showing up out of nowhere. Let me add my left side was hurting last night due to Cerebral Palsy,  so I took a couple muscle relaxants before bed. This led to vivid nightmares of the sexual abuse I experienced in 2010… and, I woke up like this. Cerebral Palsy, sexual abuse, PTSD, now severe depression. I don’t dare eat because my Crohn’s will flare up. Welcome to my life.
There are so many directions I could take this entry… since I am still reeling from the Matt Lauer falling from sexual abuse, I will go that way. While it is refreshing to finally see women speaking up, hearing incidents triggers PTSD.  Sexual abuse happens in churches, too. Here is a recount of my experience-

The church conspired with my mom to institutionalize me. Sent the cops to come get me... the cops said "we can't take you... you're smarter than we are!". The bad part was she got all my friends to believe I was an incompetent drug addict. So I pushed everyone away. Meanwhile, my landlord  (who also attended the church), wouldn't fix my heat unless I gave him oral sex. I refused, and reported him to my pastor. My pastor talked to the landlord who admitted everything, saying he was sexually attracted to me and didn't trust himself alone with me. My pastor told me not to worry about it.  I left everything behind and lived in my car at the rest area. I had been going to him for pastoral counseling for Xanax addiction, and he said he was addicted to pornography and told me all about that and sex with his wife... so two different men from my church were being sexually inappropriate with me while conspiring with my mom and friends to institutionalize me. Was I crazy?

I lost everything except Jesus. 
I don’t go to church anymore.

I have a firm understanding of the Bible, spending an average of 4 to 6 hours of Quiet Time per day. Jesus is very present to me, and I survive, spiritually growing, by being in solitude with the Holy Spirit... fellowshipping with a few friends. Basically, I live like a nun. I am going to be with Him now to cry out to my Prince of Peace... He is waiting.