Remembering, and An Apology

There's a program on my Tablet which shows photos on what happened on this day in years past. Bittersweet memories with people I was once so close to, such great times, and now few of them are in my life. Initially, I was blaming how disloyal people are until I remembered a conversation with a friend.

She recently told me I basically wrote her off! Here I had wondered why she backed away from our friendship. She told me I only wanted to talk to Cathy and for her to back off. I didn't believe her until she showed me texts I had sent her, mean texts, texts that embarrassed me. I honestly had no recollection of my cruelty. To friends reading this, I am so sorry if I hurt you.

Please believe me when I say a decade of taking psychotropic medications have damaged my brain. Recently, I scrapbooked my most recent birthday. I turned 47. Flipping through the pages days later, I was surprised to see I had titled it 'My 37th birthday'! And another day, I was watching my favorite TV show, "In Treatment", which is about the life of a psychotherapist in private practice. I was thinking maybe I could go back to college to study psychology. About 30 minutes later, I remembered I AM a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and I have spent several years in private practice.

Okay, this is scary.

I must remember I don't know what I have told who. Thank You, Lord... for protecting me from painful realities, and for a comfortable environment for me to live with my girls. From now on, I will be adamant about recording everything. Keeping detailed records. Write things down. Journal, journal, journal. And keep moving forward.

Asthma

Here is an old blog entry on Asthma... let me say Asthma, menopause, and Tallahassee humidity does not mix...

Asthma. Not many people know I have asthma so I must have an extremely mild case. I was diagnosed with it about ten years ago when I went to an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, which I can’t even remember why I went to the doctor. To be honest, I think a coworker told me he was handsome and I wanted to see for myself. I called in with ‘possible allergy’ symptoms and left with a nebulizer and asthma diagnosis!

Truly, I think the asthma is related to my Cerebral Palsy. According to the National Institute of Health: The majority of individuals with cerebral palsy will experience some form of premature aging by the time they reach their 40s because of the extra stress and strain the disease puts upon their bodies.  The developmental delays that often accompany cerebral palsy keep some organ systems from developing to their full capacity and level of performance.  As a consequence, organ systems such as the cardiovascular system (the heart, veins, and arteries) and pulmonary system (lungs) have to work harder and they age prematurely.

           
So I really don’t feel like an ‘expert’ in asthma. If it’s hot and I overextend myself, I have to rest and focus on catching my breath. If I didn’t know eventually, it will get easier to breathe, it would freak me out, so I have to comfort myself by saying I will be able to find a natural breathing flow again.

Asthma is very scary – I do not know from personal experience except to imagine how I would experience a more severe case.

Writing, Writing

Yes, I am still writing. Multiple sources are calling my name… I feel God asking me to use the talents and treasures He has given me to touch a variety of audiences. The new season  brings opportunities and promises for a new chapter into a bright future.

There are blogs online of me documenting my struggles with severe depression, suicidal ideations, and paralyzing anxiety. Blogs so real and transparent that I pray certain people never read them as they make me uncomfortable processing them. Some sound like I am about to put a gun to my head as soon as I stop writing the blog entry, and looking back, there were days when that idea wasn’t too foreign or outrageous, to tell the truth. My identity was molded by my mental illness, and it consumed my life starting in 2006 when I had a major job switch and my beloved kitty cat died unexpectantly. 

The past 11 years have been at minimum a seemingly insurmountable challenge to which I spent many days merely existing by staring at the ceiling, laying in bed all day. One could say I wasted my life back then, when in reality, I was saving my life. More about this later. Then there was my professional life prior to my “mental breakdown’ – yeah, that’s what it was…a mental breakdown. Life before that time was completely opposite from the depressed, anxious, agoraphobic bed-ridden body morph I transpired into… I was a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor in Private Practice… the only Med-Waiver mental health therapist in Central Florida. After hanging out my shingle, I had quite a business! I was living the dream. I was reaping the benefits of a hard earned education. Life was good, professionally. 

Personally, not so much. Now, I see I needed the forced respite from mental illnesses to discover who I truly am, and to live authentically. The Bible states “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I may learn your decrees…” … no truer words have been spoken.

I am not looking back anymore. I refuse to allow circumstances to keep me down. The past is the past. When I look in the mirror, I like who I am. I am proud of who I've become. And God isn't finished with me yet. He's the only opinion who matters, and He's okay with me...

Me

Love this picture. Enjoying life.

Life is GREAT!

Technology is great! I just saw the morning sky of Pennsylvania while greeting my childhood friend, Michele and her handsome puppy. Just think- no matter where you are, we all share the same vast sky. How many of us take the time to appreciate the colors and design? Each day has so many gifts that most of us fail to open because we are too preoccupied with what we already have, or what we are lacking.  Why don’t we be satisfied, no, ECSTATIC with what we have right here, right now? Oprah was on target when she introduced the Gratitude Journal years ago.

Today, I challenge you to think about the great things in your life rather than wallowing in the bad… which, let me add, what YOU perceive as bad may be a hidden blessing of God protecting your from something excruciating! I guess you could sum it up with LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

Right now, I am truly living the life I have dreamed of for fifteen years.  All day, every day, I get to read the Bible, create Worship Art, and write. That’s it! I’m writing a devotional, a psychology text on Aging with Cerebral Palsy and a fiction book. Recently, I decided to start writing articles for extra cash. The great thing is I am living my quality of life, not settling, not answering to anyone. And because of technology,  I am able to live in my favorite city with its academic culture, determined mindset, extraordinary trees and perfect weather all while keeping in touch with friends like Michele.
I have to say that is definitely AWESOME.

So I challenge each of you, comment below on 3 things you are grateful for today. Can I add that I am grateful for YOU, each of my readers? Because as much as I love to write, the more readers who click on the ads on this page, the more income I generate. How great is that, to get paid for doing my passion?! So share this blog site with others and comment below on what you are grateful for today.

In Between

Outsiders think people living on SSDI have it made by not having to work and still getting a monthly income. After all, we don’t have to listen to a boss or spend most of our time doing jobs we don’t want to do.

Qualifying for SSDI can take years due to the number of people who try cheating the system. Between paper work and doctors appointments, the process is tedious enough without having an illness. Going through the process will make a sane person crazy! Once you finally receive the award letter,  it`s like winning the lottery! Finally, someone believes you’re too sick to work. Admittedly, though,  you have to swallow your pride, too, realizing your fate.

Well, my mind and body cannot seem to cooperate. When my mind is clear, my Crohn’s Disease keeps me constrained to my bathroom,  or my muscles are aching from aging with Cerebral Palsy, or I am having trouble catching my breath due to Asthma.

On the rare occasions when I can physically function, I am afraid to leave my home due to PTSD, Agoraphobia, and  Anxiety. Or I can’t get out of bed due to Major Clinical Depression.  Definitely not the “lucky life” other’s think I have.

So I am writing a couple books in hopes of earning enough money to have a better quality of life. I wrote a children’s book series called, Dillon and Friends, which was published several years ago. Those quarterly commission checks are a beautiful sight in my mailbox.

As long as you are breathing, you still have work to do here on earth. I guess you could say I am in between jobs. Not quite sure what I should be doing.  But there is still work to do.

Anxiety Obstacles

For some reason,  I cannot write today.  My spasticity is keeping me from legible handwriting. Something is wrong. Not only that, I am dripping with anxiety. Paralyzing anxiety. Feeling like I need to crawl out of my skin. Very uncomfortable considering writing is my career. I cannot lose my abilities.  Scares me.
But I am trusting God, fighting these additional hurdles. He is a lamp unto my feet and my Guide throughout this journey.  So many people and circumstances will try to stop you from reaching your full potential- don’t let them. The world needs your gifts and talents. The world needs YOU.

Let me explain what anxiety feels like (since I  am in the middle of an anxiety attack). These symptoms vary from person to person,  even from situation to situation. This is what I am feeling right now.  I’m scared, yet unsure of what  I fear. My heart is racing, stomach is churning and extremities are twitching. I’m writing this on my tablet where I am covered with blankets and my Golden Retriever at my feet. I lived in a couple shady places ten years ago,  which is where my PTSD stems from. During those times, I was completely alone with no one to talk with about my fears. I find myself in a similar situation regarding friendships.

Who knows why we go through such hardships? The answer is far beyond our comprehension,  and our lives are merely a blip on the infinite screen of life. We must stay the course to make our contribution. Don’t even think of giving up! We become stronger with each challenge defeated, and our confidence significantly increases.

Hang on.  Keep fighting… but don’t you dare quit.