Proclamation

Have you made your New Year's Resolution, yet? I have.
I want to utilize every minute of my days to leave a legacy, to share what God has shown me… to proclaim my depression has been the bridge connecting me to Jesus, such a wonderful blessing for Jesus to hem me in with no where to turn. I am in this world to change the world…  He created each of us to be part of His family, to be the Church…  yet we are fools who chase our own desires, turning away from the Lord, not listening yet convincing ourselves we are obedient servants… we are wasting precious time and resources and gifts. Just a side note: I know I use too many ‘ands’ and will have to edit the ‘ands’ for pieces of publication… but my thoughts freely flow on this keyboard with ‘ands’ when  I do not censor my content. I have so much to say… so many reasons to give this hurting world why they can have ultimate hope… not wanting to be viewed as some Jesus freak, yet wanting people to know I have been through such hardship, loneliness, pain, and agony… it all dissipates when I quiet myself and focus on Jesus. Come to Jesus and live. Jesus will fill you with His Spirit, and as weird as that sounds, there is no greater feeling, no comparable sensation that having, KNOWING His Spirit is in your heart. He fills your heart with warm lovelies and your mind with knowledge that is undeniably from Him… comfort, security, love. People need to know what a relationship with Jesus provides. I want to tell the world what they are missing, what they can have… yet I am a hypocrite who is consumed with the temporary things of this world. So much to share, so much to give… where do I begin?

NOTE: Golden Retrievers are a passion of mine.

I'm BAAAACCKK!

I no longer have an excuse to live in an oppressive lifestyle… no longer depressed, or anxious, nor do I have unhealthy living situations. So I am writing. Multiple sources are calling my name… I feel God asking me to use the talents and treasures He has given me to touch a variety of audiences. The new year brings opportunities and promises for a new chapter into a bright future.

There are blogs online of me documenting my struggles with severe depression, suicidal ideations, and paralyzing anxiety. Blogs so real and transparent that I pray certain people never read them as they make me uncomfortable processing them. Some sound like I am about to put a gun to my head as soon as I stop writing the blog entry, and looking back, there were days when that idea wasn’t too foreign or outrageous, to tell the truth. My identity was molded by my mental illness, and it consumed my life starting in 2006 when I had a major job switch and my beloved kitty cat died unexpectantly. 

The past 8 years have been at minimum a seemingly insurmountable challenge to which I spent many days merely existing by staring at the ceiling, laying in bed all day. One could say I wasted my life back then, when in reality, I was saving my life. More about this later. Then there was my professional life prior to my “mental breakdown’ – yeah, that’s what it was…a mental breakdown. Life before that time was completely opposite from the depressed, anxious, agoraphobic bed-ridden body morph I transpired into… I was a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor in Private Practice… the only Med-Waiver mental health therapist in Central Florida. After hanging out my shingle, I had quite a business! I was living the dream. I was reaping the benefits of a hard earned education. Life was good, professionally. 

Personally, not so much. Now, I see I needed the forced respite from mental illnesses to discover who I truly am, and to live authentically. The Bible states “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I may learn your decrees…” … no truer words have been spoken.

Morning Prayer

I'm feeling great physically and mentally. Praise God. 

Am writing 4 books to be published Fall of 2015, this month (being Nanorwrimo writing my first adult novel, titled, Believing, which is a story about four couples who live with completely different levels of faith. One is a "Jesus-Freak' who attends church 4 days a week and believes only by never sinning does  person enter heaven. One is an atheist, doesn't believe in life after death, angels, God,… if she can't see it, she doesn't believe it. Another couple believes in Jesus, but only prays when they want a miracle. Finally, the main character, Piper, has an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and claims she knows Him personally.

The story will be interest to believers and non-believers, alike.




POSTS BELOW THIS WERE WRITTEN BEFORE MY LAST SEVERE DEPRESSION...

Okay- still no updates... here's why: In a severe depression this past week

Maybe tomorrow...

I'll Be Back

I promise... I'm coming back soon. Plan to get caught up this weekend. Until then, check out my intro on my other blog.  Thanks for your patience... I'll be back!

Step Away From the Pit of Depression

A personal account of a depressive episode... how to FIGHT depression...or at least try.

I am on the edge of the black hole... hoping to write myself away from it today, Change my perspective somehow. I DON'T WANT THIS MENTAL ILLNESS TO DEFEAT ME! I have to rely on Jesus to get me through these times. Darkness seems to dominate my days lately. Losing (my former best friend) is a big reason for the recent darkness, I know. I'm back to feeling completely alone in this world and not trusting what people say. She helped raised Jireh!! How could she just walk away? I maintained contact with my brother for years simply for the sake of my niece… I bit my tongue and licked my wounds and went back into the ring for because I wanted my niece in my life. Now that she is old enough to email and has my email information, my brother and I have ceased what little relationship we had. We wished each other well and went opposite ways. If my niece wants to contact me, she knows where I am. The last time I saw my former best friend (FBF), I was bawling because she was loving on Jireh, and I knew it would be for the last time. I mustered, “She loves you so much…”

Any other relationship, I would have just accepted it was over and left. But I’ve tried several times to reconcile with the FBF for the sake of Jireh. The last time was a week ago, when I left a voice mail apologizing, asking if there was anyway we could talk and both Jireh and I miss her in my life. There was no response.

This is when I started spiraling down… this past week… thinking, thinking, THINKING myself into a frenzy. The bitterness returned, the cynicism, defensiveness, the person I was last winter, during the lowest, scariest point of my life. I vowed the same vows, ‘no one will ever hurt me again’, blah, blah, blah. This turned into self-pity, how I am ultimately alone (Existential theory enter here) until I was confined to bed for most of yesterday.

I slept restlessly, having the hole in my gut return. Lord, why won’t you just take me home? I thought (and felt) Job’s cry in 7:16: I despise my life… let me alone: my days have no meaning.

But the morning has brought a fresh perspective (which I pray I keep);

1.    When I was ready to give up… I was planning to leave Jireh to the FBF, believing Jireh would be happier with her. I realize this is not true! If she could let go of Jireh as she did, I am soooo thankful I did not leave Jireh with her. I put Jireh first. Jireh gets me up everyday, gets me outside the house, gets me to the dog park where I am forced to socialize… I mean, Jireh makes me fight every force in my body to make sure she has a quality of life. Jireh is with me 90% of the time and I love her and talk to her and play with her… Jireh has a good life. I’m not sure she would if I left her with someone else.

2.    Addy the cat is the same way. We sleep together. We work together. She is at my side whenever I am on my laptop. Addy gets the most expensive cat food before I get milk. I make sure Addy has a quality of life. if I wasn’t here, I am not sure that would happen.

3.    Once again, there are soooo many people in this world! Why do we let our heart’s break over one or two relationships that didn’t work out! I definitely am not flippantly saying, ’let go and move on’… it’s way too hard for that. But don’t allow your destiny to be determined by one or two people who hurt you.

4.    Relationships are hard, as you know. Tread carefully. But if someone lays out their cards up front (disclosing something as personal as depression), be prepared. Know what you are getting into. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

5.    This goes along with number #4: “Forever” is a very long time. KNOW AND MEAN what you are saying when you use words like “I’ll always…” and/or “I’ll never…”.  Words and broken promises hurt.

All this to say we cannot abandoned socializing. God created us for relationships. We can’t give in to the strong desire to live as a recluse and isolate our lives away. 

You and I are meant to be here until God takes us home. We all have roles that cannot be passed off to others before it is our time to leave this earth. Even if you feel you have no family or close friends who would be permanently impacted by your absence, there are roles which only you can fulfill. That is why God still has you here.

Finally, don’t let your guard down when you or someone else seems to pull out of a deep depression. Until much time has passed, one significant setback can bring you/them right back to the edge of the pit. It is at this time, you must review the five points above, and get on your knees and pray hard before Jesus.

Disability Related Links - Depression, Autism

I've been researching mental health blogs and getting sucked into spending the entire day reading them and now I'm depressed! My intent was to have sites for people to feel 'not alone' and accepted online since there are few places to speak openly about mental illness. There is a limit to 'peer support' evidently, still, I'll continue compiling my list.


I am also working on a Children's book on Autism Spectrum Disorders. Evidently, the new DSM is combining Autism with Aspergers, which I think is a HUGE mistake... but they didn't consult with me. One day they will...