Sierra thought of writing a suicide note, then realized she had no one to address. Those close to her knew what was in her mind- she had even told them for years, her plan was to take her life. She herself had known this was her fate when she read of tormented writers since middle school. Never did she think she would survive this long, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. She had several failed attempts which followed her, flagging doctors that she needed to be watched.
“Where the heck was the mailman?” Sierra wondered as the evening was closing in. She wanted to take her pills to escape into a comatose sleep, but had to sign for her package to be delivered today. Ironically, the package was the next three months of her psychotropic medications. It was 92 degrees outside and she was wearing sweats. Her a/c was on freezing, waiting for her to climb into bed for the next 16 hours. But her four legged best friend would need attention. She has only survived this long because of her dog. The only soul who would be affected by her death.
Finally, there was a knock on the door. The familiar mailman greeted her with a white package containing the ultimate solution to her problems. Taking them as prescribed kept her calm, while taking them all could end her life. Her life that she had felt imprisoned in every since she could remember. It was like trying to escape darkness with no source of light. There WAS no escape to the darkness of her mind… just trapped doors, crevices and pits. Occasionally, a linear pipe of light would enter through one on many broken cracks, giving Sierra an instant spike of hope. But when she looked around at her surroundings, she saw the mire and emptiness. And, inevitably, darkness would patch up the lights opening. A cycle that has been repeating since the monsters entered her room as a child.
Instead of taking the psychotropic medication, Sierra grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills, pouring several gel tablets on her lap. Seemingly an innocent action, she threw 3 tablets down her throat, then three more, and three more. She hid the bottle in case anyone found her. They would think her heart just stopped until they did an autopsy. By then, it would be too late to revive her by pumping her stomach.
The pills were kicking in. She was getting drowsy and the room was spinning. Tightness in her chest both excited and scared her. What would happen in the next few hours? Sierra prayed she would wake up in heaven, with her dog and cats.
Unfortunately, she opened her eyes to her dimming bedroom. She had survived another attempt, and was so downtrodden to realize she was trapped on this earth. There was no escape, and hopelessness layered her so heavily, it was hard to move… hard to breathe. Part of the pressure had to be the sleeping pills. She could only hope the repeated overdoses were causing accumulated damage, weakening her heart or other internal organs. The one good thing is she was still here to take care of her babies. They needed her, and she needed them so much, she wanted to die before them. Just the thought of losing them practically drove her insane. Would there ever come a day when she actually wanted to live?
Sierra has her license in psychology after spending years in Private Practice until she was drowning in an ocean of deep clinical depression. She had spent the next ten years staying in bed. All her friends walked away, not knowing how to deal with Sierra’s raw side. They desperately tried to help with their “I’ll pray for you”, “where’s your faith?” and “what do you have to be depressed about?” What surprised her most was her psychological peers did not even understand!
Sometimes she longed to go where no one knew her, where there was no chance of being recognized… where she didn’t have to worry about tarnishing her testimony … she always had to be careful not to cause anyone to see her behaving in a way that was less than Christ like… she was a God-fearing Christian down on her core… nothing would change that. Nothing.
Yet… sometimes… rarely, sometimes… she thinks about who she would be if she wasn’t a Christian… life would be like it was in her 20`s when her lifelong friends had turned away from her because they refused to “condone her lifestyle”…
She got out of bed and immediately fell backwards. The pills had caused her to feel as if she was watching outside her body, preventing her from standing, so she crawled to the bathroom and used the sink counter to pull herself onto the toilet. Then she bounced like a pinball, grabbing walls and furniture to balance herself and let her dog out. Fortunately, she could lay on the floor while Rusty went to the bathroom. Rusty was such a loyal dog. It was hard to tell who took care of whom. When Rusty came back in, Sierra gave her a dog biscuit, then they both stayed on the floor to go back to sleep.
Chapter 2
“Another great sermon”, Mary said while walking with Ben to the car. She was stopped four times in the church parking lot to chat with people. This church was where she had attended faithfully her entire life. She practically lived in that building due to her active participation in church functions. Mary grew up in a strict, legalistic household, including being sheltered by homeschooling with her two siblings, Matthew and Micah. Mary wasn’t allowed to watch TV, movies, or listen to secular music, and the same upbringing was on all her friends. Mary had no idea what the real world was like, and that was fine with her. Ben and Mary had met in church preschool and remained best friends until one night at a Single`s retreat, Ben gentry took Mary’s hand as they were walking, and it felt right for both of them. At age 22, this made both of them reevaluate their relationship and they naturally started dating.
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