It's Best to Keep Quiet

Email to a friend:


Things go much smoothly if I keep my true feelings to myself and remain positive.

Read this:

http://thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com/2012/06/keeping-jireh.html

But remember, you cannot be surprised when you hear something tragic happens. I am not reaching out for help anymore. You say you don't know where I am emotionally sometimes, but  yet I can't express my feelings without consuming you. 

I won't consume anyone anymore. I will keep my feelings to myself and be fake, just like the rest of society. It pains me to conform to society's standards of staying surfaced instead of real and introspective, yet I am learning this is a survival method. I have never been so lonely, yet there is no one I trust... no one who can listen to me without wanting to cowardly ship me off to a mental hospital. And so everything will be peachy.

I am not suicidal, I am so lonely, wishing I could talk to someone who would just listen to me. So my focus, as said repeatedly, is to fulfill the purpose God created me for and be the best parent possible to Jireh and Addy. Next summer isn't to far away... I will move to a city where I have to start all over again socially and community-wise. I am viewing this next year as preparation for such. I have a lot to look forward to. I just need to hold on to Jesus, take care of Jireh and Addy, and keep writing to further my career. In addition, what I am going through is all helping me be a better therapist when I go back intro practice. God has a plan... this season is only temporary.

Keeping Jireh

I finally understand why my family disowned me, choosing to have no contact with me. The past 24 hours, I came very close to giving my beloved Jireh away. Jireh is my golden retriever who I adore and love beyond description. Jireh goes almost everywhere with me – she’s my buddy! I am so proud of her and she is amazingly in tune with my feelings.

But Jireh is a puppy… a 60-something pound puppy who deserves to run freely, exercise, play and be happy. I love Jireh too much to succumb her to the lifestyle we have been living. I want better for her. It is because I love her so much, I want her to have a more fulfilling life. So I called around, asking who would take her. Who would give her a good home. Who would love her more than I can. I asked about details of Golden Retriever Rescue. I called the lady who helped raised her.

And I went to bed crying, imagining life without Jireh. And I wondered if my relatives “gave me away” so that I would have a better life. And I thought about it didn’t matter what kind of life I had as long as I could have my relatives in my life. But they wanted better for me.

As I type this at 9pm, Jireh’s head is on my lap. I do want better for Jireh, and after all the phone calls, I have concluded Jireh belongs with me. And I belong with Jireh. She knows I sleep a lot, she knows I walk slow. She knows we spend the majority of time alone. But Jireh wags her tail all day long. When I wake up, she is so excited and brings me her toys to play. Jireh gets sad when I cry, so I am determined not to cry anymore. jireh loves meeting people, so I used every ounce of willpower I have to walk her around Lake Eola today, and we came home to take a nap together.

Yes, like my relatives must feel about me, I believed Jireh would be better without me in her life. But instead of giving her away, I am determined to give Jireh the best life a dog can have. As long as she is living, I will take care of her and love her and give her all I can. No one can love her more than I do. I need her, and she needs me.

Thank God He did not allow me to give her away. No matter how bad my depression/anxiety and cerebral palsy gets, Jireh comes first. I made a commitment when she was 10 weeks old to take care of her, and nothing will make me break that commitment.

To the Depressed and Lonely

Life can be difficult - everyone knows this. Different people experience circumstances according to their life experiences, coping strategies, etc. Sometimes, the temptation to give up is overwhelming. The world seems to be so cruel and at times, it may feel as if it is you against the world. But if you are a Christian and hold on tight to Jesus, you will make it. This difficult, lonely, painful period will be a distant memory. Counting your blessings does wonders, seriously.


I am not just writing this to encourage you, but to encourage myself also. I am going through many changes, mostly good changes, yet all change is hard. We tend to be drawn to what is familiar, the friends we are use to, the relationships we had. But that prevents growth. It is unfair to expect people to change. And it is unfair to expect people to read your mind or understand what you are going through. Sometimes, we must experience our feelings and either journal them and/or process them individually. Perhaps God wants you to express your feelings to Him alone... perhaps He is drawing you closer to Him.


Unfortunately, friends come and go, but Jesus never leaves. When you get lonely, turn to His word. I fell asleep with my face in the Psalms. I believe it was BECAUSE my face was in the Psalms, I was able to fall asleep. He held me in His arms, reminding me I am never alone when I trust in Him and hold on to His promises.


If you are going through a hard time, hang on. Email me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com if you need someone to listen without judging. I assure you I will understand because I am in the same place you are. Hang on. This will pass. Focus on fulfilling the mission for which God created you for.

What Does Baker Act Involve?

This was my response when asked what being Baker Acted entails. There are many exceptions depending on the individual circumstances, but this is a general explanation: 


Baker Acting consists of lots of "well, if this happens, than this can happen..." The bottom line is the hospital can keep a person for 72 hours if deemed by a qualified professional the person is a harm to self or others. Most psychiatric hospitals only have visiting hours twice per week, so what they are saying about she can't see him makes sense. There are even designated phone times. The tricky part is once a person is in a mental facility, technically, they CAN keep him for more than 72 hours because he is now under the care of a psychiatrist. They rarely tell you that part when you are Baker Acted. On the flip side, the psychiatrist can release him before 72 hours lapse if the doc disagrees with whoever Baker Acted the individual. 

Helping A Depressed Friend

Someone asked how she could best help her depressed friend. Here is my response:
That is so sweet of you for wanting to help your friend. Most people 'shy away' from individuals who are in a funk for fear of saying the wrong thing. When in a depression, if your friend s willing to share with you, that means she trusts you and, well. that says a lot about you. Just listen without feeling the need to 'fix' him/her. Listening with concern makes all the difference. Knowing someone cares could be the motivation needed for the person to press on. I know you long to take the pain away and you hate seeing your friend experience depression, but just by listening, you are likely helping the depression subside more quickly. That is huge to someone who is depressed.

Reading the blog I wrote a year ago where I was down to three friends and complaining about that fact. Yesterday, I realized I  have no close friends, at least not in the definition I consider 'close friends'. Someone who will spend time with me without looking at their watch... If you remember in school, I always had friends. Not anymore. And I am not blaming them, I am the one who walked away this time for various reasons. The friends I had (except Jen), I don't want their friendships back. I'd like to meet people who understand me, who invite me to fun things, who don't freak out when I am having a bad day..... it hurts knowing I  have no emergency contact.... but then again, Jesus is my emergency contact. Pray He brings me a best friend and a boyfriend who will love me for me. My heart has been hurting.

And last January - I HAD NO ONE and NO FRIENDS, a crappy residence, a creepy landlord, no money, no publisher... the worst time of my life... and look how God turned my life around! There's a LOT of people out there I haven't met... God has new friends and people out there. Before then, I will focus completely on Jesus - the best friend of all time.

Finally, one of the friends I wrote off told me I didn't know how to treat friends. Perhaps that is correct, yet I  believe if I had the friends who treated me like a true friend, I would treat my friends like gold. I could give examples, but why bash her? I am above that. I apologized for hurting her and that is all I can do. In fact, I apologized to everyone I hurt, and I am at peace about that.

Crohns Ain't So Crappy!

Spent yesterday in the Emergency Room with Crohns and anxiety issues. Been losing control of my bowels a lot lately, and the friend who use to help me with my laundry will not be helping me anymore. This afternoon, another Crohns accident meant I HAD to do laundry. Only carried a few pieces down but I kept saying "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" AND I DID IT! I'll hang them to dry on my loft. Man, I feel empowered!

Moral of the story: God uses 'crappy' events to push us beyond our comfort zone.