Dating

I recently tried a dating website, disclosing my cerebral palsy in my profile since I understand most men would be uncomfortable with my disability. I understand that, and respect it. At the same time, I wouldn't date someone who smokes, is not a Christian, and is not a college graduate.  I really don't mean to sound snobbish. Everyone has preferences and I don't want to settle. When I stayed at a friends house, people were using words I had never heard. They were discussing farm life stuff. I was totally out of place. It's a matter of interests. The woman I am writing a book with and I get along great talking about Bible characters, interpreting Scripture, etc. Another friend and I are both independent women, not willing to settle. Another understands my mental illness so I am comfortable with her.

Frankly, I don't like men touching me. I don't like to be told what to do (like my mom telling me how I can't drive in big cities and making me hotel reservations without my input. No... dating just isn't for me. It would take away from my time with Jesus.

Writing

After my weekend writing retreat, I am redefining myself. Another new chapter in my life has started. Also, reading a book for review. Enjoying staying home. It's cooling off. Summer is my favorite, but last month's electric bill was  $190! I lost a freelance gig which brought in $200 mth. Plus, my new landlord is talking about DOUBLING my rent. Bad part is I don't have money to move. Been selling Christmas cards, which helps. And the holidays are hard when I have no family. I will take sleeping pills on Thanksgiving and Christmas so I sleep through the day. Otherwise, I am escaping by writing and reading.

God will provide. He is Jehovah Jireh. I know He's got me.

Packing

Packing list-
Pajamas, Bible, Notebook, pens, toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, and Jireh's stuff. THAT'S ALL!  Wearing same clothes down and back. We are meeting at the AirBnB, going to see her life on University of Florida,  then staying in the ENTIRE WEEKEND! I was upset I can't afford to go on Beth Moore cruise to Alaska, then my friend and I agreed there would be too many distractions. This weekend is SO MUCH BETTER! It is all about Jesus!

Blessings of Mental Illnesses

My 8:30am discussion lasted nearly 2 hours, yet I am still tingling. I am Spiritually spent...I need a cigarette.

I slept the rest of the day. This weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!

Basically, we talked about my depression, and even my recent suicidal thoughts. I told her I see my clinical depression as an indicator of my deep desire to go to heaven and be with Jesus. We discussed Mandissa, Plumb, and other Christian singers who suffer from deep depression and anxiety. Then, my friend shared something that showed me... she truly understood. A wave of relief, comfort and love washed over me. FINALLY! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD I WANT TO GO HOME! When I was able to compose myself to speak, I said I felt so validated as a Christian... my faith wasn't being questioned because of my mental illnesses, instead, I realized the importance of fellowship with other Christians who UNDERSTAND. She said THIS is why I must write about it to show other Christians depression and suicidal thoughts are not flaws in faith. There's no need to feel guilty for not trusting God more. Instead, use the feelings of despair to crawl to Him on your knees. He's always waiting... and I am never a burden.

Time to Pack!

It's finally here... a much needed getaway with my dear friend. The timing could not be more perfect. I need to fellowship with her, pour over the Bible, cry, laugh, maybe even yell. All the pent up emotions need to come out, be dissected, and put on paper for the book we are writing. I need to be face down, on the floor with worship music playing, begging the Holy Spirit to renew my strength, declutter my mind, and create in me a pure heart again. I need Him to renew my hope. I need to hug my friend and feel loved and valued as she reminds me of the limitless number of Bible verses she has memorized. I need to escape this world, emptying myself of me so I can be filled with Jesus.

It's finally here.

Nothing Lasts Forever

I wrote the following 2 years ago:

Just realized I asked Sunday school class to pray for my estranged relationship with my mom because we haven't talked in awhile. Weird. Out of the blue, she texted me. I didn't respond, but I've had Crohns ever since. Two of my closest friends are meeting with me to discuss what happens if something happens to me. I'm 46 and finally realized who my true unconditional family is, and it's liberating not to settle anymore for people playing games. I forgive, yet I invest my energy in those who have proven they love and accept me, and always have time for me. I feel like I'm part of 2 families now.

Today, I am struggling with feeling all alone. Friendships come and go. Nothing lasts forever. No one lasts forever.  *Cue existentialist quotes.

The Reference Desk: How to Write and Publish Books - LifeWay Women All Access

The Reference Desk: How to Write and Publish Books - LifeWay Women All Access: Once a month, you’re going to hear from some of our authors or from our team on how we study the Bible, what resources we use, and what questions we ask. Submit your questions related to these topics by filling out the form here! Many of you have asked about writing and publishing a book, so we …

Full Time Writer

 I found a healthy escape instead of spiraling down into the pit of self-destruction. Everyone has ways to escape life's realities, when you cannot take any more stress. Since childhood, writing has been my escape. I've been gifted with a creative imagination, in fact, it's been a main survival tool.

Being a writer can be solace for my mental health. When my muse is flowing, there's a vivid fantasy land going on inside my head. My dream is to live on a boat, alone with my cat and golden retriever, on the ocean away from civilization. I've lived alone since I was 22 and have had to fight staying in my home all day. Writing, reading, praying, Bible study... those are my daily needs.

As a therapist AND as a member of God's family, I know how isolating is frowned upon. I get sick of hearing about the need to get out, socialize, blah, blah, blah. Leave me alone with the ponders in my head!

Recently, my health has declined significantly as I experience middle age. I fall a lot, can't control my bowels, have severe panic attacks, etc. After much prayer, I believe God is telling me it's okay to isolate, to live like a Baptist nun, on one condition: I share His love with others.

He has blessed me with an insatiable thirst for His Word, along with an understanding of how to apply Scripture to life today. The more quiet time I spend with Him, the more writing I share from His insights, the less time I have to worry. He moved me away from my childhood home. I started over in my college city, made new friends, and have a whole wonderful life! I still cannot grasp THIS IS REAL. I'M A FULL TIME WRITER. I no longer have guilt for being a hermit.

The funny thing is, my friends support me for who I am instead of pressuring me to "get out more". Even the writer's group I joined tell me come to meetings whenever I want. We keep in touch on Facebook.

So today I am working on my Christian Fiction manuscript where Gabriel Byrne is the protagonist. Basically, I'm daydreaming about being in private practice, using my expertise in psychology as research, advocating for disabilities... in Nantucket... I'm working. Alone.

Life is better than I've ever dreamed or imagined. I truly never wanted to marry or have kids. My heart's desire has been being like Emily Dickinson - a reclusive writer. God has given me the desires of my heart... and so much more.

Introduction to Me

Added a video into of me...
https://youtu.be/iMiTOvX_4fE

Oh My Soul

Since Dad died, there's a song that comforts me, but I didn't know the name of it. I wanted to add it to the Quiet Time playlist for Karen and me to get on our knees and connect with Jesus next weekend. After hours of searching, I gave up. I knew it said "this is the one thing you didn't see coming", and "I am not strong enough, I can't take anymore".

I said nothing to Karen. She sent me this song to add to our playlist.

THIS IS THE SONG!!!!

https://youtu.be/DjNZf878ISQ

Christmas in October

Christmas is next weekend for me because Karen and I are celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. Nothing from the outside world. We are staying in our PJ's, worship music playlists, and we each have been compiling Bible verses for each other.  Just her and me. That will be my Christmas. I get so jealous everyone has family for holidays... well, I am making next weekend my Christmas. On the actual Christmas and Thanksgiving days, I take sleeping pills to escape the holidays. Yet this way, I am celebrating the TRUE MEANING of Christmas.

Sexual Abuse Scandal

I apologize for my transparency this morning -actually, I  don't. Don't read if I am too candid. Watching the news about the women who kept quiet when the producer sexually abused them... don't judge them. You make a choice. You weigh your consequences. I spoke out against my predators... and I was told to not speak about it, I was overreacting, and I became the "bad guy" both in my family and later in my church. If I would've kept quiet, my life would appear much easier on the outside. But I am a child of God. I trust Him. The world can turn against me, but He never will. So as a nonconformist, I speak up when it's "uncomfortable" for others. And I suffer the consequences. But I have my dignity and self-respect... no regrets.

World Mental Health Day

I lost my 2 closest friends when my dad died... pushed them both away. The 2 people I talked to daily... we have stopped talking. Let me just say YOU NEVER DEFEND MY RELATIVE'S ACTIONS!

Mental illness sucks. It truly alters your thoughts and reactions. I am guarded again  only around people for Jireh. That girl is the only thing that gets me out of bed. After my  girl's weekend, I am making no plans until after the holidays. The dreaded holidays.

Peace

Meditating on "peace"- reading 1 Thessalonians 5:3, which says "while people are saying,  "Peace and safety,' destruction will come on them suddenly..." - scary. Verses like this are why we must read scripture in context of where it appears in the Word. Skeptics use examples like this to claim the Bible contradicts itself, which it does not. Here Paul is speaking of those living in the darkness. Christians are children of the light. (as verse 5 continues).

2 Corinthians 4:4 says "the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers,  so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ..."

Praise God once we make Him Lord of our lives, He opens our eyes to the Light, which is Christ!

Living in the Light gives us genuine peace.

*excerpt from upcoming devotional, "Falling Into Grace".

Friends Means More Than Football

Getting excited about a trip my friend set up for us weekend after next... you'll never guess where...GAINESVILLE! It's the midpoint between the two of us. She told me we won't go to University of Florida. I said BECAUSE SHE WENT TO THAT SCHOOL, I WANT to go. I want a tour of all her memories. I want her to take me back to her college years so I can know her better. The University is part of her. And I love her. I want to visit what helped shaped HER.

An anchor just talked about how his alumnus, University of Miami had the greatest win of ten years last night. He didn't bash the loser, (which happened to be FSU), he merely expressed the passion for his school. As a FSU grad, I found that classy and respectful.

As for my weekend in Gainesville, I am so honored she is taking time out of her busy life just for me. Now, I have to find something to wear since 75% of my wardrobe is garnet and gold. I definitely won't be borrowing her Gator clothes. I do have limits.

I NEVER Learn

BAM! Mother got me AGAIN! I NEVER LEARN! I'm fine. Jireh got me laughing, so I tried calling Cathy, then Jen - who let me vent... and we realized how awesome God's plan is once again. If I didn't have mental illnesses, I never would've went in the psychiatric hospital 3 times right after I got Jireh, and Jen wouldn't have kept Jireh for 3 months when she was a puppy. God used Jen as a vessel to shape Jireh's personality. Also, Jen went on to train her Golden to be a therapy dog after meeting me. She has been working with people with disabilities ever since... Jen and I went our separate ways friendship-wise. We only talk about Jireh. I called today to thank her again for Jireh and told her no matter how bad life gets, I will never take my life AS LONG AS Jireh is alive and well. And I realized our friendship went separate ways because I needed to rely more on God than Jen... Wow.

It's All God

I am the queen of thank you notes. I have always written notes for every act toward me. So many have showed unending kindness, I feel words on paper is demeaning compared to the love shown me. So I have been waiting to think of a comparable action which to respond. This morning, I read Psalms 54:4 - "Surely God is my help, my Lord is the one who sustains me.".

Wow. Thanking my friends for their immerse kindness is not as intimidating when I realize God is the source of every good thing!

Palm Trees and Blanket

Remember how scared I was yesterday? I received a palm tree blanket from Gidget at 3:30. Palm trees are my reminder from God that He loves me. So I thanked Gidget, went to bed with my fresh smelling blanket and fell asleep. I woke up at 7:30, phone lit up (ringer silenced) with Gidget calling to check on me. Tried staying awake to watch Scandal, wrapped in blanket... didn't make it. Just woke up (NO MIGRAINE!) feeling great!! God ALWAYS takes care of me. Always. I get sidetracked by the world, my faith wavers, yet He always brings me back. When we belong to Him, no matter the situation, He's got us.

I'm Scared

Anxiety is really intense this morning. I'm scared. Not sure what I am scared of. Since I don't know what the source of my fear is, I don't want to leave my bed. This has happened before, where I am scared to leave my bedroom. My bedroom! I run to the bathroom and back.

My hope is this doesn't last. The thing about mental illness is you never know when symptoms will hit... or when they will go away.

I texted a few friends early this morning. One of them texted me this quote and said she will call me this afternoon.

That helped.

I'm Human

This blog is about faith, coping through adversity, perseverance. God has rescued me many times from humanly hopeless situations. My life circumstances have been so much worse than it is now. In fact, I am in the best situation of my life when the absolute reality of my life is concerned. I've been homeless, cold, starving, abused, trapped, and on the verge of insanity.

Thank God,I am safe, in my favorite city, writing full-time. I don't have to deal with bosses, don't have to answer to anyone, and love my freedom.

The fact is it has been a hard month. I lost the relationships of two of my closest friends,one of who regularly helped me financially... the other, I feel our lifelong friendship was rocked, and I don't know if it will ever be the same... in fact, I know it won't. After some time, maybe we can be close again. She did not intend to hurt me, and I go by intentions. She was trying to help, yet I can't get past my perceptions. So I am mourning the loss of 3 significant relationships. And it hurts. It angers me. It depresses me. It scares me.

It scares me because I am reconsidering things I thought were defeated. Things messing with my faith. I still have faith, still believe God has a better plan than I can dream of, and He can change my circumstances in the blink of an eye.

But my depression is looming. My agoraphobia is returning. And hopelessness is creeping in.

My dream is to rent an RV when my lease is up so I can get out of this neighborhood and live in a spacious campground. Seems impossible. I'm telling God this is the desire of my heart. But sometimes, God answers our prayers only to face worse consequences. In the Bible, King Hezekiah prayed his life would be extended 15 years. The results was Manasseh became King after Hezekiah, leading to the worship of idols and a completely corrupt nation. This would have never happened if King Hezekiah had followed God's will.

I don't know what is going to happen. All I can pray is God's will be done.

Moving Forward

Growing means letting go, walking away, reevaluating reality, and setting new goals. It is mourning the old, celebrating the new. Putting away the things that meant so much to make room for what's to come. It's scary, challenging, and exciting. But once you make the decision to embrace what experiences have shaped you to be, there is no looking back. Your next chapter needs to be written.

I love this quote -
“If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, we are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -C.S; Lewis

Peace Amidst Tragedy

John 14--- The Spirit will never leave us as orphans; He answers our prayers to glorify the Father; He gives us PEACE the world does not understand; He shows himself to those who believe; He makes my heart His home...

I personally love how Jesus said, " If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father "

I love Jesus! In the evil of this world, Jesus said this would happen in the end times. I can't help believing Jesus is coming back soon...

Friends for a Loner

So excited about a Girl's Weekend coming later in the month!

I often say I don't have many close friends... I do have friends who share specific interests. An upcoming weekend would be boring to most... but it is PERFECT for me!

My friend, Karen and I both have the Holy Spirit speak to us through Scripture  (and life), and both of us are writers. So we are shutting ourselves in a cottage together with no distractions, except Christian music. Sounds so BORING, yet it is a DREAM GETAWAY for me!

Isn't it cool we all have different friends for different interests? Sue and I are silly, laughing, joking, doing my hair. I have my Turtle Friend, Michele, writer friends who go to weekend poetry readings, Jennifer who loves goldens, my friend, Brian and I talk about philosophy and Existentialism, Dr. Gorman and I discuss neurobiology... I love it!

We are texting each other as I write this, planning like little girls going to a sleepover.

"We can write ideas and revelations from Jesus.  Maybe even an hour or two of writing per day to get us in the habit?"

And:

"I need to get away!! I'm sooooo looking forward to this time w you and the Lord!! We can eat simply and have more time for praise Prayer and worship.".

I am so excited! Maybe I am not a complete loner afterall.

Puerto Rico

Let me vent for a second. Please, don't blame and argue when people are hurting.  I have learned this following the death of my father - which is totally unrelated to Puerto Rico. My circle of people I talk to has greatly decreased because arguing with someone when a crisis is occurring only adds fuel to the fire. I chose loneliness and isolation over defensiveness and hurt.

This is happening with the President.

I am seriously sending this guy a thesaurus. HE DRIVES ME CRAZY WITH HIS LACK OF COMPASSION AND LIMITED VOCABULARY!

My opinion - PEOPLE ARE DYING! DON'T KICK THEM DOWN MORE! EVEN IF YOU ARE SENDING SUPPLIES, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A KINK IN THE HOSE! FIX IT!  

Notice I am not arguing with Puerto Rico, the people who are hurting.  It's the leader I am frustrated with.

Watching videos such as this reminds me of the lack of compassion in the world today.