Poem - Me Now

Had another setback yesterday. Then again, I had several blessings.

Wrote this poem to check in-

Me Now

While my mind is racing, my heart's at peace.
Seeing my character since dad has deceased
Following my Jesus, keeping Him near,
I like who I see when I look in the mirror.

Unconventional, I trek against every grain. Not listening to those who call me insane.
No more do I settle, predictable - I am not.
Having very little, yet loving all I've got.

You may kick me down, for awhile, I may stay.
But God's always with me each second of the day.

Ready For Heaven

Knowing heaven awaits believers when they pass away, I have never understood why people tell me "don't say that!" when I say I am ready to be with Jesus. We use to sing about being homesick for heaven and the center of Christianity is following Christ. I am ready to reach Him.

Reading 2 Corinthians 5 is very comforting to me as I anticipate the day My Father calls me home.
In 2 Corinthians 5, there is a description of how God created us to long for heaven. The Bible says we moan and groan in our temporary homes on earth until we reach our eternal home in heaven.

So I may make a sign saying READ 2 CORINTHIANS 5 the next time someone tells me don't say I am ready to go to Jesus.

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling,because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.For we live by faith, not by sight.We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it." - 2 Corinthians 5:1-9

Checking In

Checking in for those worried and praying... I am okay. Talking to a couple friends daily. Learning so much about myself, the biggest practical fact is there are people who respect me despite my unconventional beliefs. Be you. Stand by your beliefs. Most will leave your side. The ones who stay are genuine keepers.

Living Proof

My reality.

Matter of Perspective

I've had it all, according to the "world". Many boyfriends, lots of friends, teaching grad students at UCF, writing for UF, speaking statewide for the Department of Education, my own Private Practice making $120 hour in 2000 - 2005... sports cars, luxury trips, books published... there was always something missing... time alone with Jesus.

You pity me... I pity you. I live in my favorite place in the world, FINALLY living authentically for the first time in my life. I have had the life the world says is successful. No thanks. I want MY LIFE. Don't try to change me, please.

It's Hitting Me

I was never close to my dad. I'm not going to act like we were really close and I would do anything to have him back.

It's more the fact my dad died. A momentous event forcing me to search within and look deep down.the 

I'm in the anger stage. Wanting  to completely isolate and just stay in bed. People irritate me, and I am about to lose friends again. I finally opened my planner this morning, and my last entry was asking God to take me to the next phase in my life... then I got the call Dad was dying. I changed my profile photos because I am not pretending I was close to him. I never was. He was my dad and I  am heartbroken he died. Yes. But I can't romanticize the situation by pretending we had something we didn't. I am so empowered that I succeeded in saying goodbye to him. That was beautiful, and I followed my heart. It is a new phase. Facebook is such a facade to act like you are best friends with people and close. It's stupid. And I am not wasting my time with things and people who do not matter anymore.

Falling Rocks and The Solid Rock

My father passed away two days ago. I am doing much self-reflection, which will make for innovative writing material.

God has truly carried me through. Despite multiple health issues, I drove from Tallahassee to Tennessee with my Jireh. In the fog and darkness of mountains, somehow, I remained calm navigating signs like "Falling Rocks" and "No Shoulders". At several points,  there was no phone reception.

Exhausted, I kept going, racing to get to my dad before he died. As the Bible says, I kept focused on running the race ahead of me. I stared at Truck lights in front of me, imagining Jesus, the Ultimate Light, was guiding my path. I dared not look to the right or left... I dared not waver.

Praise God, I made the trip safely. I kind of felt like Elijah during his journey!

Now, I haven't gotten out of bed, haven't eaten or written. Maybe tomorrow. God taught me so much these past few days.

Still, the "Falling Rocks" started when I got home. Mental rocks. I had the 3rd black out of my life due to mental and physical exhaustion. 

I may take a short break from writing and functioning... as I regain my balance... on Christ the solid Rock I stand.

Heart Stuff

Emotional Rant-
Life goes on, right? My best guy friend was supposed to come up this past weekend, but he has acquired new responsibilities and I didn't hear from him until yesterday when I texted where was he. We finally talked, and after much heartbreak, we agreed it was time to end our friendship. Yes, the same guy who promised to be there when Jireh died just 3 days prior. I don't blame him. I see this as part of God's plan. One day, I will understand but right now... it really, really hurts. I have been praying about going back to BSF, and I feel God telling me no. It's strange to think I am not supposed to go to a Bible Study, meeting other Christians, yet He keeps giving me reasons not to go- He wants my writing about Him a priority; my health problems limit how long I can be away from home; the thought of filling out "emergency contact" and hearing about other's talk about their families; and my desire to interpret Scripture through the Holy Spirit.

His answer becomes clearer every time I pray. I am scared. The guy friend was my main support. I wanted to meet other people to help if I get in trouble, especially with holidays coming. I miss his company.

And I think maybe that is part of the reason we parted... I am finally strong enough in my faith and far enough in my Spiritual walk to know God wants to be all of this and more for me.

Most of you will likely pity me... please don't. I am so honored God created me to have such a personal relationship with Him that I feel His presence and trust Him. And I know my relationship with Jesus will never end.

Anxiety Help?

Article claims song calms anxiety here.

Sure hope so as my anxiety meds are no longer working. Comment below if it helps you.

Blogging Business

The number of people reading my blog posts has multiplied by TEN! WOO HOO! My goal for this week is MARKETING, MARKETING,  MARKETING. Hard work and persistence pays off. Focusing on your brand is key as you form online communities with others who share your passions. For example, I will be connecting with other brain geeks, psychotherapists, writers, and Bible scholars. Mental health and physical rehabilitation white papers intended for professional submission, as well as material from two of my book manuscripts will also be peppered throughout. 

Back to my cave I go, being a recluse. My happy place. 

By the way, I am LOVING Instagram's new story features. Add me, and click on my story as I post throughout the day. My IG is Shellyedsfsu.

Tallahassee

I love Tallahassee.
I found this in last year's journal:

Bam! Got kitty litter before people came out at 5am. Heard football player talking about upcoming game. He goes to FSU full time, then practice, then works all night. Then I saw a nurse who works 2 full time jobs to care for her kids. The moon over canopy trees warms my heart. I am safe. People go the other way when Jireh has her vest on. She walks bolder... "No one better mess with my mom!". I got this... ummm... God's got this.

And this is from 2013 when I lived in Central Florida-

Though nobody asks me, I miss Tallahassee.
I get homesick sometimes, when it comes to my mind.
Oh, sure, I’ll move back… within the next year, in fact.
My heart was left there, where I soar through the air.
Dreams come alive – in this place where I thrive.
Doak, Bills, FSU…how my heart misses you.
‘Til days of my old, my heart beats Garnet & Gold.
Absence leaves a deep hole, ’Cause I’m a true Seminole.

----
It's good to be home.

Arrogance

I was told to put more substance in my blog posts instead of mere poems. Lately, I've been hesitant to write for fear of coming off as arrogant. I likely will in this post. Maybe it is healthy self-esteem I'm experiencing and I'm so unfamiliar with excelling at something, that I shrug it off as arrogance. 

My writing seems mediocre to me. When people respond to my emails complimenting my word flow, I'm taken back. I just write! I have a friend who has an amazing vocabulary and talking with him awakens my brain as he invokes such deep thought when we talk. And reading his emails brings me back to college writing classes when I savored the written word like a fine wine. He says he wishes he could write like me, when I am jealous of his relationship with words. Anyway, it is hard for me to write when I feel my writing is blah. Then I see the "Dolphin Tale" movie which totally stole my "Dillon the Dolphin" story and Perez Hilton wrote a Children's book and I arrogantly think, "I can do better than THAT", and I think maybe I need to push my  writing. Or maybe it's conceit.

Counseling, on the other hand, I tend to be OVERCONFIDENT. I know clinical psychology like the back of my hand, psychopathology is my second language, and empathy is God's gift to me. I thrive on helping individuals who have seemingly impossible life crises as the Holy Spirit gives me words of comfort and healing to give them. I guess having a life crisis and having my church join alliances with my enemy in trying to have me committed makes me determined to prove not all Christians sweep problems under the rug in denial. I am still very bitter with my former church and wouldn't wish that type of (ahem) "guidance" on my worst enemy. People need compassion, love, and understanding. I provide these things when counseling the wounded. I am an incredible counselor. Arrogance.

Finally, the Bible. I know the Bible because I know my Jesus. I have spent infinite hours studying scripture, praying and being with Christ. After this 20 year pattern, I know Him in an extraordinary way. It's hard to remain silent in Bible studies. Why? Arrogance. So I refrain from writing blog entries when I have such a chip on my shoulder. 

Truth is, I have no reason for arrogance, just as I have no reason to deny my gifts. They are God's.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

1 Corinthians 4:6 "... Do not go beyond what is written.” Then you will not be puffed up in being a follower of one of us over against the other. 7 For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Prayer Poem

Trying to follow You, Wanting to follow through-
Path is wild with vines, from avoiding so many times.
Depression is under control, but anxiety has taken hold.
Must chose to do what's right, Lord, shine on my path Your light.

What An Inspiration

There are individuals who leave you speechless by their character. Individuals who are so positive, you reevaluate the world when you are alone. These individuals are extremely rare. One of them, well, two of them, just left my home after a year of no contact.

I am being vague for privacy reasons, and only speak of HER... we were friends until I hurt her. Instead of lashing out at me, she simply walked away because it was the healthy thing for her to do.

The next time I heard from her was a couple years later, DURING A HURRICANE CURFEW, asking if I needed help... and they brought me food. My closest friends didn't check on me, but she did.

I didn't hear from her again until the other night when another hurricane hit. "Shelly, this is ----. Do you need help?". And she checked on me a few times until the hurricane was over.

The couple just left after helping me with my dog. I am incredibly inspired by her. Not many people successfully stay in Tallahassee after college graduation because interns work for dirt cheap. Jobs are hard to come by. After 20 years of trying, I was finally able to move back after living on SSDI and writing. I am thankful to live paycheck to paycheck... until now.

My friend bought a house. She is fulfilling her goals, living her self-determined quality of life. My goals are different: I don't want a house, I want a RV and a boat. My friend has worked hard to become a success. Not just financially, but socially, educationally, etc..

Wow. What an exceptional couple... what an inspiration.

The Air I Breathe

I was so afraid my power would go out in the hurricane since the eye was directed right to me. With respiratory problems, I was especially scared. But God had me... I never lost power. As Job 33:4 says, the Lord Almighty is my breath of life. With friends texting me throughout the night, praying with me while they were in the worst part of the storm, I was never alone. My God, You are the air I breathe.

True Friends

Okay. Had quality time with God. Feeling much better. I am so sorry I got irritable when people were loving on me and checking on me. Forgive me. I am learning. I have the best friends ever. Thank for understanding when I get in self-preservation mode. Last night, 3 close friends and I were in a private chat group and every time I woke up, we checked in with each other. And they were getting hit in Kissimmee!!!

I will never forget last night. I am not alone.

Hurricane Irma

I need to set better boundaries. I HAVE NOT HAD THE TIME TO SIT AT THE FOOT OF THRONE OF JESUS TO THANK HIM FOR PROTECTING ME... THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU ALL! BUT, I NEED TO BE WITH JESUS. HE COMES FIRST BEFORE ANYONE.

This is the farthest I have got in writing a letter to God after FOUR HOURS.

I AM FINE! POWER STAYED ON. I PRAY YOU ARE ALL OKAY! I AM COPYING THIS SO THE NEXT PERSON WHO ASKS IF I AM OKAY, I AM SENDING THIS.

Hurricane

So the hurricane is coming right towards Tallahassee, and one of the FEW bad things about Tallahassee is the power goes out easily and stays out for weeks. I have serious respiratory problems. Plus, the joys of menopausal hot flashes.

Needless to say, I am highly concerned. I know beggers can't be choosers. I know I could go to a shelter or nursing home. I am dead serious when I say I would end up in jail or psych ward. The other day when Jireh was sick and I was waiting at the pharmacy, I yelled in the phone with 20 people around, "You are making me mad and I am about to go postal!"

Luckily, I saw everybody look at me and had the sense of mind to calm down. There was a reason I was on Xanax. There was a reason I moved to Tallahassee and am so happy. I truly DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE. I have had enough of people in my lifetime, but God commands us to fellowship, and so I write. I Facebook. I Amazon. I avoid strangers. That is how I lived in my car. I won't lose water so I can read in my tub of cold water and put ice water on Ji.

Quiet Time Priority

Putting my Quiet Time first thing before anything else, especially checking my bank account, brings me so much peace.

Preparing for the Hurricane

Meditating on God's promises...

Let This Sink In

Know your circumstances are not related to God's love for you. Let that sink in. Instead of elaboration on my part, I pray God speaks to your heart.

Great Article Describing Depression

I can so relate to being too depressed to leave the house or even shower...
Bipolar Disorder, My Lost Years:

Currently, my anxiety is full blast, leading to Crohn's flare up, leading to Agoraphobia and Depression. I don't feel good AT ALL. Even having chest pains.

I think it stems from my faith is wavering. There is no doubt in my mind God keeps his promises, and I have several verses memorized about His provision, protection and comfort.

Fact is mental illness is real. I can't pray it away.  God says IF YOU BELIEVE, whatever you ask for in prayer, you will receive. However, it must be in accordance with God's plan and we must ask for the right reason.

A week from tomorrow Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) starts. I LOVE, LOVE BSF. I will meet fellow Biblical scholars who know and love the Bible as a  uBSF. We talk for HOURS about the Bible, and are trying to plan a weekend together, alone... with our Bibles.

But I can't "just go" to BSF.  I'm scared. I had an accident in my pants just typing this. My health conditions are overtaking me.

That's why I love this article. Mental illness is paralyzing.  God is powerful and superior. Yet we are human. And just "praying" is not the answer.

My Children's Book Series

Here is the link to my Children's Book Series

Revamping My Writing Career

A new season... literally! I've decided to stop looking back and strictly focus on my future... especially my faith. My health will not allow me to work a conventional job, but fortunately, I have been a freelance writer for years. I just haven't put too much energy into it. Although I have numerous publications, my publisher is lacking in timely Commission checks. Because Jireh went to the vet, needing medications and a toy to cheer her up, I am facing a month with no food or money. But, JIREH FEELS BETTER, and that's PRICELESS. 

Long story short, it's time to find a new publisher. And while I am at it, it's time to reapproach my writing career with definite changes. So if you are reading this entry and would like to exchange page links, I will connect readers to your blog if you return the favor.

My background is a licensed mental health counselors and Certified Rehabilitation  Counselor with extensive knowledge and experience in numerous psychological & physical conditions. 

At the age of 8, I began writing journals with poetry and I have continued for 40 years.

Currently, I am writing a textbook on aging with disabilities, a Bible study, and a collection of poetry. 

If you're a writer, please, introduce yourself. If you're a publisher, please email me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com. 

Nice to meet you!

Bible Journaling

Whenever a verse speaks to me, I journal the date and event in my Bible. I just did this with the verse referenced in my Birthday card. This is my third journaling Bible. I have filled the first two with thoughts and feelings. This Bible is my letter back to God. I started Beth Moore's new Bible Study, "The Quest", which is PRECISELY about what I am doing.

Content

I like this picture. My hair, the Tallahassee trees, my brain, myself. I like who God created me to be. It took oceans of tears, kicking, screaming, cussing... at 48, I like who I see in the mirror.

Seminole for Life

Let me warn those who do not know... I am overly sensitive to people bashing my school, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE! Florida State Alumni is how I identify myself in this world. I do not belong to a family in the conventional sense. I decided to attend FSU because it was the farthest I could get away from my relatives. Everybody said I wouldn't make it... well, guess what?! My first psychiatric hospitalization was the summer I went to my parent's after 8 months in Tallahassee. I realized how "brainwashed" I had been... maybe that word is too harsh. My values no longer aligned with how I had been raised, ESPECIALLY after my lifelong pastor told me my depression was due to not being married.

What Satan meant as harm turned out to be for my good. I researched EVERY "religion' from atheism to Buddhism. And I began a 25 year journey of reading the Bible, praying, researching and.... ended up with my GREATEST TREASURE - A personal relationship with Jesus.  I KNOW Him because I spend infinite alone time with Him.

So I tell you right now... I am very difficult to be friends with. My fellowship is through my writing. I don't let many people in. If I let you in...you are one of a handful.

All this to say, PLEASE DO NOT BASH FLORIDA STATE ON MY PAGE! To me, it is like bashing my child. Don't do it.

Finally, if you notice, the people who actually attended the college usually are the ones who refrain from trash talk because we empathize with the underdog. It's the people who did not attend said college who talk the most smack.

Job Description

Jireh goes back to the vet this morning. Watching her in such misery yesterday was excruciating. I can't bare to recount the details. My baby was sick, and I went from feeling helpless to.... well, feeling responsible. My thoughts lingered on Jireh deserves a better mom. And thoughts ran off from there. Earlier, a friend offered to Skype with me so I didn’t feel alone. After saying I didn't want to talk, my friend offered to just be there, making sure I am okay. That meant so much.

With prayers asking for focus, I was able to spend time doing Bible study. Admittedly, I had some difficulty believing. No, I take that back. I fully believe God’s Word. I am afraid of His plan.

This morning, I told Jesus I can't handle seeing my dog in such misery. I wondered how my mom handled the uncertanties of my health issues.  God took care of me. He had His own plan.

Truth is Jireh is God's dog... He is allowing me to take care of her. My job is to take care of her until The Father wants her back. I can't handle this, but it's God's job.

Taking care of me is also His job. My job is to follow Jesus. I have to get back to work.