Things
were improving. I saw God’s hand as He provided me with a part-time job earning
enough to cover my bills, and then some. My lifelong dream of obtaining a
publisher came true. I had the best friend of my life. I got healthy, so
healthy that my psychiatrist took me off all my antidepressants (first time in
20 years). I was planning for the future. Knowing my issues are deep and, come
to find out, UNSPEAKABLE… I knew I could no longer burden friends and
acquaintances with my thoughts (still having anxiety and panic attacks), I
started paying a psychologist for counseling. I thought I was doing the right
thing, and was very proud of the progress I was making.
I lost
it all – starting with the job, then the publisher, then the best friend. Now,
my finances are worse than ever. I am almost out of medication and both cause
seizures upon sudden withdrawal. Right before I got Jireh (November 2010), I
had a seizure. I saw Jesus, but only his outline because there was the whitest,
glorious light shining from Him that I could not look directly at Him. I saw my
beloved cat, Seminole starting to walk toward me… He was waiting for me at
Heaven’s Gate. Oh, how I wanted to run and scoop Seminole up and then run to
Jesus, and just weep in His arms! But my mom was on the far left, screaming,
“No, not Shelly!! Please don’t take Shelly!!’ and since she had recently faced
a couple tragic losses, I used all the energy in my body to fight to stay alive
for her. It was a lot like Space Mountain, a lot of loud, shifting noises,
sitting in a tube and racing through space. I felt my cat, Addy, laying beside
me and concentrated on her heartbeat to bring myself to life. Sweat covered me,
exhaustion was beyond anything I had ever experienced.
I
called my mom to tell her I fought for her!!! I stayed alive for her. It was at this point she said I
needed to be sent away for long term, inpatient treatment, such as a State
Psychiatric Facility or a nursing home. She had refused to speak to me until I
went off all my medication. I did just that several days prior to what the
neuropsychologist identified as a seizure (from stopping meds). He said what I
described was what patients described when they returned from death. He said I
was on doorstep.
Now, I
am about to experience the same thing. I refuse to elaborate because I have reached
out to friends and was told "I was too much of a burden", “I don’t know what to
say”, and, my all time favorite, "people are going to think you’re a crazy
bitch”. So they won… I refuse to talk about the details of my feelings anymore. I know God created me to speak out about mental illness, but I am not strong enough right now. I am not strong enough to reach out to Him for strength. So I will no longer be open and transparent for the sake of other's comfort. (I am writing an uncensored book which only be queried to publishers when I am stronger).
My
struggle is with others who have mental illness. I have witnessed what happens
when you ask for help. I write this with tears rolling down my face… I am so
sorry people don’t know what to say and use your darkest moments to point out
all your faults. I am so sorry people walk away out of discomfort and
frustration. I am so sorry I no longer feel comfortable advocating for mental
health issues. I have become one of them – I refuse to talk about the details
anymore. I don’t know what to say… and even with my licensure in mental health
counseling, I don’t know how to help you. For the first time in my life, I am
believing keeping your darkest thoughts inside may be the answer…
I continue
to press on. I have a dog and cat to take care of and am determined to finish the race God has given me. But the pain is, well… it’s best not to discuss
things like that or I may be sent away, lose a best friend, or be described as
a "crazy bitch".
Soon, I will have no phone and no internet access, along with no medication. Perhaps this is a blessing as I truly will be silent.
Soon, I will have no phone and no internet access, along with no medication. Perhaps this is a blessing as I truly will be silent.
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
ReplyDeletehe will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth.In his law the islands will put their hope.” Isaiah 42:3-4
Shelly, often, and I know this from my own life, we want, we NEED someone to give us the right words. To say just what we need to hear to turn it around, to give it up, to lay it down. We are all, like sheep, gone astray. It is like expecting the drowning man next to you to save you. I speak for me, for what I, for years, NEEDED- WANTED. God is the only one who can save us. IF I laid out my life before you, would you understand? Would you sympathize with me or pat my hand and say, 'there, there.' Oh, how I wanted that for so long. Someone to just say, "Wow, you have had it bad. Those mean people, those awful circumstances." You might look at my life and say, "What the heck is her problem??? She thinks she has suffered???" And I would, at this point in my life, have to say, "You're right." Because I am LEARNING to compare my sufferings to Christ alone. Only then can I see my life in truth. Only then do I understand just how much He has brought me through and brought me to. I am not who I was, being refined everyday. I am also not who I am, yet. He is renewing me daily--as I stay before Him and in His Word.
I remember when I first met you, Shelly. You walked into our third-grade class, and you always amazed me. You were a proud, strong individual. You always smiled and were positive. I wonder if that girl is in there, still? I worried about writing, I don't want to offend, ever. But I had to take the opportunity to say, "God loves you so much, Shelly and we are a poor representation sometimes, but we are pressing on with you. Don't give up the fight, keep your eyes and mind fixed on Him."
You are so right, Andrea... our sufferings are NOTHING in comparison to what Christ endured... and I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8;18)... I KNOW personally, this will all be worth it when I finally go home... and when I think of the suffering Christ endured for us, for ME, knowing the sinner I would be, knowing I continue to want to give up after all the times He has turned things around, proving He is Lord of all the earth... My burden is for those who do not know Him, who think this world is all there is, and who continue to take the wrong path, making life so much worse than it is. I have spent the past 15 years telling clients to speak up, people aren't mind readers... to PLEASE reach out for help... after this past weekend, I don't know if I can say that with confidence anymore. I am ashamed to say I allowed the world to put me back into a depression 3 days ago after weeks of freedom from despair, hope for the future... and I am sure losing my publisher played a prominent part, but the responses from others seriously would have pushed me over the edge if I did not have Jesus. I focus more on Jesus and so much less on the world. I am determined to live out His will for me, yet if it is advocating for mental illness, I'm not sure I know how to do this anymore. Praise God that according to James 1:5, If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him... Andrea, I so want to do His will... and I can only do this with His strength, wisdom, and armor. He will show me the way, I will keep fighting for mental health issues. I will keep living for Jesus.
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