Crazy B

It kinda hurts to be called a ‘crazy b*tch’. I found that out yesterday. Sometimes Facebook is a great source of fun and encouragement, other times, I feel like I am dodging daggers – and some actually hit me! After being called those two words and hearing others were saying negative things, I texted my ‘friends’ – 7 in total – to see if I was coming off that way. After all, I thought I had been projecting an attitude of strength, courage and perseverance, especially after being rejected by my mother and losing my dream of being published – and, of course, facing no prospects of earning money for my books in the Spring. If I have been acting differently, I’d like to see any of my accusers go through what I am going through and NOT act differently! Give me a break, people! I texted 7 friends to ask if I had been a crazy bi*#ch and the friends that responded to my texts made me feel worse – except, of course, Jennifer and Rob and a couple others who defended and encouraged me. I believe I heard Jennifer crying on her voicemail because she knew how badly I was hurting.

I then read an email from a well-known, prominent, highly respected, educated, incredible man that made me stop and think about how ridiculous I was being for getting so upset. I’m a non-conformist, a Christian, and and advocate for mental health issues… on top of all that, I speak up when I see what I believe to be injustice. What do I expect? Roses and candy? Of course I am going to be bashed and accused of hurting the people who try to help me! I canceled my Facebook last night and wrote in my journal:

So, according to FB, I am a crazy b*#ch. Perhaps I am. I definitely will change. Already got off FB, will speak less, much less, isolate like Emily Dickinson. Focus on writing out of poverty. Shake it off. Focus on Jesus, fulfilling His will for my life so I can finally see Him, finally go home…

This morning, I reactivated Facebook. Since when do I let other’s words and opinions stop me? I am a child of the Most High God! If I was just going along with the flow, agreeing with everyone, living as the world lives, there will be much less controversy. I’m sorry – I choose the path I have been living. I apologized to the lady I feel I most wronged… otherwise, I was defending what I believe to be true. I was kicked severly when I was down, but today is a new day. I have cried to Jesus, He wiped my tears, picked me up, and told me to get back out there. He also reminded me of a few words from His Word:

1 John 2:15 – Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him.

Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”

Psalm 56:4  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust. I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

So I press on. Even if I lose every single friend (what is a friend?) I have… as long as I have God, I press on. You can knock me down, but I WILL get back up. With God’s strength in me, I promise you that.