Jireh, 'Girl- TMI', Poverty - Stuff Like That.

Owning a dog is like being a parent on the ‘non-upgrade’ trial level. Life is scheduled around my dog, Jireh. I take her out every night at 8pm (I’m scared of being out alone in the dark) so sleeping in past 8 am isn’t fair to her bladder. This morning, I was determined to write as much as I can without interruptions (yeah, right), so I got up and took Jireh to the dog park BEFORE I EVEN HAD COFFEE!! (I KNOW!) 


I get Jireh to the dog park and 5 or 6 dogs meet her at the gate. Automatically, I ‘sensed’ something wasn’t right. Jireh stayed right by me, even hiding between my legs, which she has never done before. I told her it was okay, I was right there so she sniffed a dog or two and the third one snapped at her. That never bothers Jireh, being a Golden Retriever, who usually walks away and leaves the dog alone. Then another dog snapped at Jireh and, for whatever reason, Jireh (who is much bigger than both of those snobby dogs), snapped back. She has never done that!!! So I pulled Jireh back thinking I hope the dogs don’t bite me… what’s worse, I hope they don’t bite Jireh because then they’d see a momma’s wrath and I’d be arrested for, well, JUST DON’T HURT MY DOG. Anyway, I brought Jireh back home and she’s been at my side, loving me ever since. I don’t understand what spooked Jireh. It doesn’t matter – she didn’t want to be there, so I removed her from the environment. 


It reminds me of when doctors thought I had ovarian cancer, and the ER doctor had to ‘examine me’, then 3 other doctors ‘went up there’. I asked (okay, I was in so much pain, I yelled), “Can’t you consult amongst each other? Why do every single one of you have to give me a gynecological exam?! I don’t like people touching me!” So they put more sedating drugs in my IV, and transferred me to X-Ray where the guy wanted to perform an invasive pelvic exam. I refused. At the time, I was speaking with my mother (who is a brilliant RN) crying, telling her what I was experiencing. Her response was typical of a Borderline Personality mother: “Oh, Shelly… you are so sensitive about people touching your body! Stop it! It’s not a big deal…” and the criticisms started. Now, if she simply explained the reason another man had to touch me and shown me a bit of sympathy, I would have been okay… maybe. But the conversation ended with me telling her if I feel violated with someone innocently tapping my wrists, she should respect there is a reason for my feelings! I won’t even go into her needing to understand my violated feelings because an entire childhood of sexual abuse! 


So I didn’t press Jireh; I protected Jireh. I loved on Jireh. We’ve been bonding all day. Jesus is like that. He understands our discomforts. He knows how our past affects us. He stays with us, lets us hide behind Him, and, when the situation isn’t paramount to our walk with Him, He removes us from the situation. And if the enemy messes with us, the Bible says He will take care of them. He will handle it. God is good. I don’t know why my dream of having a publisher has been shattered, but I know God protects me and removes me from situations of upcoming danger. I won’t deny this is hurting me more than words can say. I even considered taking my doctor up on that 6 month stay at an inpatient treatment facility, almost convinced I cannot take care of myself. I have been counting on royalty checks to start coming in Spring 2013, moving to Tallahassee next summer, FINALLY getting the hairstyle I’ve been wanting, a dependable laptop, time on the ocean, going back to FSU for my Ph.D. (oh, I sooo want to be hooded), getting a camera to quench my love for photography… but the dream of ‘earning my way’ has been shattered. My phone will soon be disconnected, along with my internet… I won’t have money to go to the doctor, much less be on medication (THAT should be fun!), and probably what hurts the most, I won’t have the funds to renew my licensure in March 2013., as well as maintain my CRC. THOSE- I PRAY I NEVER LOSE. Sure, I can look for another ‘real’ job, but I can’t drive without car insurance and gas. My friends have helped me beyond belief, as has Willow Creek Church, for all I am grateful. Someone put $100 in my Paypal account yesterday so now I have negative $350 in the bank instead of negative $450. 


This blog is not going where I intended, but it is therapeutic writing it! I’ll make some twangs to it and submit queries for possibly publishing it. I keep feeling something deep inside saying “write yourself out of poverty”. I’m not giving up. My faith isn’t wavering. I know my Jesus, and I know He will not let me be in a dangerous environment. He has a plan for my life. My job is to keep using the gifts He has given me. And that is what I must do. If I don’t have internet, transportation, or a computer… I have plenty of paper and pens (but never enough to feed my pen fetish}. I will not neglect the gifts which have been given to me, and I will remember no matter what, His grace is sufficient for me.