Go To Jesus FIRST!

Poor Jennifer called me last night from Boston area, which is so sweet she is keeping in touch with me despite being on another vacation. We had had a great discussion that morning, laughing and telling each other it is amazing how compatible people must be to be friends – and praise God, the two of us were compatible.

As the day progressed, I was angered and frustrated – see previous blog entries. By the end of the day, I had a melt down. If my psychiatrist is reading this, I am sharing it anyway because I am in God’s hands… to send me away, you must go through Him. I asked a friend to come by and he said he could come by ‘for a minute’. Well, this issue needed much longer than ‘a minute’ so I told him to forget it, don’t come. I wasn’t suicidal or anything, I just needed to talk… and I was crying (almost) uncontrollably. I would’ve scared myself if I saw my appearance. My dog did her best to make me laugh and she did succeed when she brought me her pig, laying her head on my leg. Thank God for Jireh!

So Jen called and I had been crying so hard she kept misunderstanding me. Practicing serious displacement behavior, I yelled at her several times. It wasn’t directed at her, it was directed at all that had happened that day – again, read my prior entries, especially the one about not sitting around eating Bon-Bon’s all day, I AM doing my best to change my situation. Still, Jen was the last person who deserved my wrath.

When we hung up, I had a wonderful conversation with my Lord. He didn’t give me a time limit. He didn’t make me feel like I didn’t deserve nice things because I wasn’t clocking in at a job. He understood my speech through my weeping. I imagined laying in the fetal position in some corner and prayed He would come hold me because I lacked the energy to go to Him… I immediately felt lighter and knew I was on Jesus’ lap. And I prayed for what seemed like hours. Not once did He look at His watch. Not once did He ask me to repeat myself. In fact, I would almost swear I felt Him stroking my hair from my face as I cried until my internal  organs hurt. I asked Him to help Jen forgive me for yelling at her. I asked Him to bless Jireh and Addy as they love me unconditionally. Finally, I apologized for not going to Him for comfort, not asking Him to meet my needs… not seeking Him for approval. I vowed to come to Him instead of going to others.

He forgave me. He loved me. He always does, and always will.

My Jesus calmed me right down after I asked Him to help me focus on Him instead of this world. I do so much better when I drown myself in the Bible! Days like yesterday must be reminders to me to get back on the path, His path, instead of seeking peace and contentment in worldly matters.

John 12:42-43-

But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; 43for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.

Isaiah 55:6

Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.