People don’t understand the
pressure I am under. One of my most prominent qualities is I am extremely
transparent, so much so that I am now in a quandary. I shouldn’t be sharing
this! I vowed I would keep my mouth shut after my last psychiatrist visit… and
here I am sharing something so personal on the Internet!
I had admitted to my psychologist
that I was having suicidal thoughts, which caused a fight between me and my
best male friend. I told the psychologist I was writing him off because he
didn’t know how to handle my thoughts and potential desires. She focused on the
suicidal thoughts, told my psychiatrist, and all hell broke loose. He wanted to
admit me to an inpatient program for 6 months. To say I was scared is a vast
understatement. I swore I would socialize. I swore I wouldn’t isolate. I swore
I needed to be with Jireh and Addy, I needed to write and finish my book series
and light was at the end of the tunnel as I soon would be earning money and get
out of poverty and move to Tallahassee and be healthy again. Please don’t
send me away…please!
After all, that’s what my mom and
former church tried to do… send me away to an impatient treatment program. Were
they right? Am I that sick?
Both yesterday and today’s social
plans changed so I am alone again. I have been productive and writing, yet this
new medication makes me feel like I am going crazy. Am I crazy? Are my days of
normalcy over? Do I need to be sent away? I cannot rely on the company of other
people to heal me. In fact, other than Sally, Jen and Rob, I don’t feel comfortable
sharing with other people, thus socializing can be an added stressor. Sally is taking tons of college classes, Jen is on
vacation and Rob has a family, so basically, for the next two weeks, I must
figure this out on my own.
The one thing that comforts me
(other than Jireh and Addy) is reading the Bible. I believe God’s Word to be
true and I want to live for Jesus. That’s why I went to church this morning.
That’s why I apologized and asked for forgiveness from my nemesis. That’s why I
have been going out of my way to love people… Lord, I am trying!
Please don’t send me away.
I make a distinction between your psychiatrist and some of your relatives. I think the psychiatrist has seen suicide and genuinely wants to help you save your life. I think your depression and anxiety are way over the heads of your family and they just see inpatient as a way to keep you 'safe'... and you can define safe however you will. The psychiatrist isn't going to force you into a program and I, if I had the psych. expertise to do so, wouldn't either. I think it is healthier to confront the demons especially with God at the helm and to overcome them in familiar surroundings where there is some degree of comfort and security. I trust that you value your life as I do and that you see a brighter future for yourself as i do.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a very uncomfortable place with your finances and I know that must be weighing on you in an overwhelming way. It would be very cavalier of me to offer any words of encouragement when I don't know the depth or breadth of your true feelings but forgive me for saying that I believe things are going to get better for you soon.
I do think you should be somewhat guarded about who you say things to and what you reveal. Keeping it inside just makes it harder I know, but you can at least trust me and Jen if you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever.
I don't think your blog is going to get you committed or anything like that so I hope the baker Act fear is something you can let go of for now.
The comment above was emailed to me and I felt it well worth sharing.
ReplyDelete